I cry through my skin.

 Okay, so Gustavo and I have come to a middle ground. We're going to try casual dating...Nethier one of us is tied down. I guess I feel better about that, I think I kind of hurt his feelings though. I told him why I can't be serious with him right now...I told him that I just got dumped not too long ago, that my life is a little too chaotic for a boyfriend, and that I'm pretty much avoiding committment because I'm not quite willing to put my heart on the line again. I guess it's better to be honest from the begining right? I just hope that I didn't hurt his feelings...Although I'm pretty sure I did. He switches pet names when I hurt his feelings. Usually I'm 'Dark Angel' when he's unsure I'm 'Kitti' and then when he's just plain distant I'm 'Girl'. Every time I do something that hurts him, he switches so right now I'm pretty down on the totum pole. Oh well though. I had to tell him what was really going on...It was so hard, but I did it. Now I'm going to go do something destructive for being a terriable bitch and hurting one of my friends.

 Again, I should be happy. I'm now dating a really sweet guy, a guy who geniuinly likes me and who isn't afraid to tell me. A guy who thinks I'm something special. So why do I sit here, wanting to cry? I'm dating Gustavo now, only dating though...We're not going steady or anything. I'm really scared to get into a thing with him...I'm scared to let anyone in again. And then there's David. Why do I like that kid? You always want what you can't have...Right? I talked to over with Audrey...She wants me to go with David because he seems more stable. She knows that I like long term relationships and from what I've told her she doesn't think Gustavo is very long term. I should be happy...But he's already feeding me the typical lines that EVERYONE ALWAYS gives me. He's telling me I make him feel differently, that I'm the first girl to ever make him feel the way it is and I confuse him but in a good way. Every fucking guy. It's not possiable that I make every guy feel different than ever before, it's just not. Although Ken never said that to me, so kudos to him. Every other guy though, without fail. I'm not special, I don't do anything different than other girls...I don't say anything...So why are they all lying to me? Do they think I expect it? I'm a romantic...But I'm not stupid. I know I'm nothing special, I'm overly average...Under average in a lot of places. Gah, am I just looking for excuses to avoid something that might end up to be serious? Am I trying to avoid a relationship again? It hasn't been that long since Ken broke up with me...About 3 weeks now...Is it? I'm usually single for much longer...I'm usually still dialing their number and hanging up. I didn't do that with him though...I guess because I knew he really meant it. He really wanted it over. It still hurts...Which is stupid. He and I were only dating for a short time.  I guess I'm just really scared. That's all it is...Simple fear. I just don't want to be hurt again, I don't want to lvoe again, I don't want to be dissappointed again...And that's all that can happen.I don't know if I'm ready to try again..But I really don't seem to get a choice. That's a bad start isn't it? Not feeling you have much of a choice from the getgo. I really shouldn't be so pessemistic though...I like him, he likes me, isn't that what counts? But there is a problem...He's an Aries. He's an Aries, I'm a Virgo. Those two just go RAAAWR and devour eachother. Maybe that means he and I will be a three day couple. Who knows. He'll probably find me boring outside of school...If we even hang together outside of school. Blah, I hate dating. THat's why I get boyfriend. But I guess dating is the pre-boyfriend test. Sort of testing the water to test the water...Ha. I'm a loser. A loser with a lovelife. A loser who's about to cry. I'm going to bed...I just don't want to think about what I did.

 Jesus. I despise myself right now. I wished for this, I really did. I wished for someone to like me, all of me, and for boys to find me attractive and to have the pick of who I wanted. And look what the Hell happened! I end up with TWO boys I like...Both of which like me back(to different degrees). I'm scared to date Gustavo...He just seems dangerous. Not in like he'd hit me or anything, but I'm pretty damn sure he'd break my heart in a New York minute and he seems like he could break down my walls of defense pretty easily. I don't know what about him intimidates me so, or attracts me so, but he's a scary mixture of what scares the shit out of me and what I really want in a serious lover. And then David...I don't know what the Hell his case is. I lost time today and I found a note from Danielle saying that he said that he sort of likes me but he likes Audrey too so it's a toss up for both of us but he thinks he'll just stick with me because it would be awkward otherwise. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know...I know David and I probably won't date...And Gustavo and I probably shouldn't date...This whole thing just has my heads in knots. So I asked Gustavo if we could be friends for now, explaining to him some of the shit going on. And I'm going to treat David as a friend for now. And you know what? Only 6 1/2 months until they graduate and both forget about me. Although they'll probably both have forgotten about me after Winter break, if not before. David definetly, Gustavo I'm saying 99% sure he'll have forgotten about me. He's bound to get a girlfriend.I want a cigarette. I want to cut. I want someone to actually talk to this about!! I hate highschool, stupid people...Stupid Drama...Stupid stupidness. This is all so pointless. Dating is a waste of time and so are highschool 'boyfriends'. They're just someone who wants to fuck you really. I don't want to be confused, but I don't want them to go away either. Although I'm just about ready to send myself away...Just so I don't have to deal with life anymore. But I can't do that, that's what they expect me to do.

 Today should have been a good day...I should have been really happy throughout all of it. I got to hang out with Audrey all day long...And we went shopping and got some really cute stuff(I got some nice coverup and some sexy underwear that no one will ever see because I'm a single loser and some gloves). I had fun, we even got hit on by a couple of guys....But I still wasn't happy. My question...Why? Everything around me should be getting better...People keep telling me what an absolute knockout I am...My old best friend doesn't seem to completely hate me anymore...I have a frickin' job interview...What's missing? I just don't know. This whole thing sucks. Gustavo told me he loves me today...As a friend, of course, or at least I assume and it made me want to cry. Not out of happiness, just out of sadness because no one ever loves me for very long. I'm just sick of doing this...All of this. I don't want it anymore. I don't want highschool, I don't want family, I don't want California, I don't want to be alone, I don't want to be depressed, I just don't want who I am and what I have. But that's what I've got...And no matter how hard I try it always seems to come up short. I keep trying to tell myself it's going to get better there are going to be happy times again...But I've been telling myself for that too long and things start to lose meaning after a while. And everyone tells me this pain isn't real...They tell me I'm too young to know true pain. And that's just absolutely arrogant of anyone to say. I'm sixteen...I've loved, I've had heartbreak, I have fucking MPD, I've been molested and raped, I've been hit, I've been shunned by everyone who was supossed to stand beside me...They can't tell me this isn't real. They can't tell me that my life, that everything I've know since I was a kid isn't true. Maybe it's not real to them because they're off in their own universe...Their world of taxes, divorce, sex, betrayl, wrinkles and forclosure...That stuff hurts too, I'm sure. But it's not real to me. I've never dealt with that, at least not firsthand, so I don't know what it's like. I only know this, whatever was given to me to put up with...And so far, I'm doing a crap job at it. I guess I wasn't meant to live because only the strong survive and I can feel every ounce of my strength slowly slipping away.

 You know those moments? The ones where you're so alone and you know just how big the world is, but how empty it is as well? The moments where you want to touch someone, just to be sure that you're still alive and still real. It's a feeling where you can hear your thoughts echoing in the stillness, your heartbeats seem so far apart and each one sounds like a bomb intruding in your world of quiet but you almost welcome the earth shattering noise just because it's something that seems like it could possiably be outside of you which means there has to be something else in this world besides yourself. Do you ever doubt your existance? Ever wonder if you're just a dream, a thought, a robot, an alien, or even a memory? You hear your thoughts...So you know you're real...But what if your thoughts are only an echo of what you were supossed to think when this really happened? Or everyone can hear them and you're the only one stupid enough to react? But then again, in the world of alone how can thoughts be anything but? Therefore you are real, but you're the only real thing in the world. But then, wouldn't it be better to be fake so that you're no longer alone? I don't know...I'm rambling...Trying to prove that I'm more than just words on a computer screen in someone's bedroom as they read my idiotic thoughts and they know me...But they know me as text and not as a person. So to them, I'm not real. But if I'm not real to them, or to anyone, than am I real in this world at all? If the answer is yes...How? How does one know that one is real if they aren't real to anything but oneself? I'm not even real to myself...I watch myself laugh, talk, flirt, and live but it's as if I'm not there. I feel nothing as I'm doing any of this...Except sometimes...I feel a despretness of sorts. Like I just need someone to see me, to feel me, to make me real. And as I watch myself talk to them, I'm screaming for them to tell me that they can see me and I'm sitting right beside them, and I'm speaking in words that they understand. I kind of feel like I'm going crazy. This is a somewhat scary mood. But that's just it...Isn't it? It's a mood. And then I'll go out, and I'll watch myself as I flirt and talk and laugh. And I'll watch myself start to deterioate, and the life start to drain from me again as I go back into my safe abyss of depression. I'll watch the people who I begged to make me real, puzzle over me but then slowly move away so they don't get sucked into the world of alone too. Even if there was someone right beside me as I reside in my world, I couldn't feel them or see them and I wouldn't be able to hear them. The world of alone isn't real, so nothing inside it is real. And since I'm inside it, I'm not real. Which means everyone was right...My pain, my tears, my cutting, none of it is real. And now I have to watch myself crumble, because I can't hear myself screaming to get away before it gets you too. So soon I'll have the rest of me in the world of alone, and there will be no trace of what I thought was my life because it was all only a dream.

 The stars infuriate me. I get dumped, do my best not to dwell on it, then they tell me to not have a crush and to not want love. WTF! Love is really the only thing I want out of life...True love. And the stars are telling me, no Kat you can't have it. Go be depressed and lonely in your little corner of desolation! Fine, fuck the stars, fuck trying to move on, fuck all my stupid exes that dumped me, just fuck love and all it brings! I won't have crushes, I want be hurt over whatevers happened in the past, I won't keep looking for Mr/Ms Right...And then I bet the stars will tell me to stop being so closed off. Argh. And now I find out I'm allergic to fucking pineapple so my mouth is a bunch of swollen pink bumps and I have an interview on Sunday! Not that they'd hire me anyways...My expirence is in working with handicapped kids and makeup...Doesn't exactly scream Kmart Cashier. Whatever, I'm mad now...I don't know why I'm so angry about what the stars say...I guess I'm just mad that whatever I want it's never the right time for me to have it...And actually get to keep it.

 The stars infuriate me. I get dumped, do my best not to dwell on it, then they tell me to not have a crush and to not want love. WTF! Love is really the only thing I want out of life...True love. And the stars are telling me, no Kat you can't have it. Go be depressed and lonely in your little corner of desolation! Fine, fuck the stars, fuck trying to move on, fuck all my stupid exes that dumped me, just fuck love and all it brings! I won't have crushes, I want be hurt over whatevers happened in the past, I won't keep looking for Mr/Ms Right...And then I bet the stars will tell me to stop being so closed off. Argh. And now I find out I'm allergic to fucking pineapple so my mouth is a bunch of swollen pink bumps and I have an interview on Sunday! Not that they'd hire me anyways...My expirence is in working with handicapped kids and makeup...Doesn't exactly scream Kmart Cashier. Whatever, I'm mad now...I don't know why I'm so angry about what the stars say...I guess I'm just mad that whatever I want it's never the right time for me to have it...And actually get to keep it.

 Today sucked...I missed time again today, I hurt my Dad's feelings, I fucked up the dessert for tomorrow, because I missed time I also missed a call from my friend whom I never hear from because she's in the looney bin, and I don't get to see Dad...Again. But you know what? Despite how fucked up and inexpirenced I am...I've got TWO job interviews! HA! I'd be working in K-Mart on the weekends in one...The other I'd be working probably upwards of 30 hours a week at Albertsons. And I turned in my application for a toystore in Old Town. I'll ace the interviews if it's the last thing I do...I want something to keep me busy...To keep my mind off of the fact that I'm still alive. If I have a job I won't have time for boyfriends or friends or a life...I'll just do my job, do my schoolwork, and get some sleep. I won't NEED any of the stuff I so desperetly want right now. I'll have my pets and thats all I'll need until I get New York. So, I won't have to deal with mom or John or Cassie as much...because I'll be too busy being a good employee and doing my job...And yeah...I'll be a mindless robot drone and I'll have no need for a brain and without a brain, I won't have depression! See, it all works out. I'll only need my brain when I'm with my babies...But they make me happy as it is. I just hope my MPD doesn't fuck it up...I'm not half as bad as I used to be...But still...This is the second time within a month that I've missed time...That's not good. I'm having a hard time quitting smoking...It's one of the easiest ways I know to just chill out and take a moment to seperate myself from my turmoil. I never really thought of myself as addicted...I can go without them for a while, and I do, but if I'm having a hard time giving them up...Then maybe I am? I guess it doesn't matter...I'm feeling pretty down right now so I'm just going to go to bed.

 I'm about ready to just cut out my fucking throat! Maybe then everyone will be happy, maybe then people will back off, maybe then I'll stop being such a fuck up. Maybe if I just take the razor to my jugular I can drown in my own blood and never feel another fucking thing. I just want everyone to stop telling me how everything is my fault. I'm sorry Mom, that I don't have a boyfriend or a job to keep me busy since Audrey left...But it's not that fucking easy to get either one of those. I'm sorry Cassie, that I left the fucking popcorn open and you couldn't look at it before pulling it out of the cupboard so you had to clean up all the little kearnals because I obviously maliciously planned it over two weeks ago knowing that you wouldn't check, and that you'd spill it. Sorry John that my dog knows that you're an asshole and so he doesn't want you to walk to close to me...I'm sorry every fucking bad thing in everyone's lives is my fault! I'm just sorry, please just leave me alone now so I can die in peace! You know, maybe I'll take a bottle of Celexia and chase it with a bottle of Tylonal and IB profun then rinse it all down with some fucking Vodka! Even if I didn't die, I'd be pretty fucked up for the rest of my days. I sit here at my pathetic little weblog which nobody cares about and talk about suicide but I'm probably just too much of a pussy to do it. The little voice of Hope died. It's gone. Tomorrow is dead too. Tomorrow is today and today is fucking yesterday and every day before today was a fucking Hell so Tomorrow will be yesterday as well and I'm trapped in this endless loop of everything I hate.  And I can't make it stop! Everyone tells me I don't die because I don't want to...I don't know if I want to die forever...But I want to die for now. But then, if I die for now....I'll remerge X years later and everything will be the same because I didn't get through it the first time and there's some really fucked up lesson somewhere in here...But it's so well hidden that I can't learn it. Want to know all I've learned this lifetime? Everyone you care about leaves you...They die, or they move, or they lose touch, or they do a complete 180 on personality...It doesn't matter. They're gone. And you're always left with what you started: Nothing. So why is it worth caring? What good comes from caring? People get fucked over by caring. They get taken advantage of, or whatever, but nothing good ever has come from caring. Maybe I should just stop fucking caring about what will happen if I do it...Grandma's wedding would be fine if I went ahead and killed myself today...Audrey wouldn't care because she's moved on to her new life, none of the people at school would give it a second thought...I was never anything to any of them anyways. No one cares about me...But I care about them...So I flatter myself by thinking that if I die it will hurt them. Flattery gets you no where.

  You know what strikes me asfunny, in a twisted maschistic way, how permanant I think everything is when I'mgoing through it. I found my old hospital journal...And Iread it and it was talking about how much I loved Skye and how she was my one true love and all that special jazz. I look at it now in absolute shock, but I'm still close enough to it to remember how true it felt when I was there and in the moment. It's only funny because now I'm forced to wonder if this is the same type of situation...If all this depression and the pain is just a phase that seems permanant. I guess I shouldn't have gotten cross with Audrey for suggesting it was a phase, now that I myself am suggesting it. It just seemed more presumptious when she said it...Maybe just because she's not me and she really doesn't know what's going on in my life or in my head. Or maybe I'm just a bitch and I can't handle anyone being right. I just wish, if this is a phase, how do I get myself out of it? When do I outgrow it? It doesn't feel like a phase...But then again, phases really never do...Do they?
 Today, so far, has been another really down day. I slept til noon, which is never good, and since then I've been fighting back random tears. I'm just really down...And I don't know why. Maybe I'll look back on this in six months and feel like I'm intruding on someone's most intimate parts, as I did when I read my old journal, although with the way I've  been feeling...Six months may just be a lifetime.

 Alright...I'm really starting to scare myself. I had a sezuire in the bathtub and spewed blood all over the place just after I finished smoking a cigarette(If I'm going to smoke at home...I have to do it in the bathroom before a bath...That way the smoke can pass as steam and I have an excuse to be locked away undisturbed for at least half an hour...Up to over an hour). Is it because of my eating disorder? Am I too stressed? Have I hurt my body somehow really badly? Did I eat something really bad for me? Is it the smoking? I don't think it's the smoking...I've been trying to quit. People think it's so great...That I'm trying to better my health, increase my life expetancy, avoiding serious problems before they start...This is the only place and the only time I'll ever admit this but it's really because smoking reminds me so much of Ken and I just want to forget him. Everyone thinks I'm over him, but I'm really just ignoring him and everything that had to do with him. I just don't want to think about him...I gave him a part of me that I never should of...I probably wasn't ready, and it was definantly a mistake. I shouldn't have done it until I was comfertable with myself and how I looked...I shouldn't have until I knew he loved me...Shouldn't have unless I thought he was the one. But, I didn't. I didn't wait, I just did it. 
 And you know what else people think? People think I'm happy. They think I don't think about killing myself, they think I don't want to hurt myself, or run far far away and start all over. My best friend keeps telling me how I'm not really all that depressed anymore.It's laughable that I manage to fool even the person that I consider closest to me. She keeps telling me my life is better. Audrey, I really hate to tell you this, but no it isn't. I have to leave class randomly just so I can go cry or cut or force myself to get it all together. I've given up hope. And then she had the nerve to tell me it's a phase. My entire fucking life is a phase! The reason why I seem happier is because I don't dare hope for anything...When I hope,when I want, when I speak up,I'malways shot down and disappointed. Hope is like love, a slow form of suicide.
 Speaking of love...Gustavo doesn't really seemto want to accept that I won'tgo out with him. I wish he'd just let it go...I want to be just friends with him. He's a great guy, he's fun to be with, but my friend likes him...Not only does my friend like him, but once he really got to know me...He wouldn't even want to be my friend anymore. That's how guys are....Girls too. They don't want to be friends after they figure out who I really am but they ask for formality. Also...I do really have a crush on David...And I don't know...But he's just so easy to talk to. He's easy to relate to, and I like talking to him about absolutely nothing and everything and playing around with him...I just really like him. Maybe that's a rebound type thing. Whatever. I like him...And I can't date someone else when I really like one person.

 Everyone keeps saying...It's not the same, it will be different this time, he's different, he's changed. I don't understand people. How do they not understand that every guy, every person, every time is exactly the fucking same? Every life if the same as everyone elses. The world is made of the same person times a billion. You think you're an idividual, you think that you're doing something better or worse than everyone else...But you're not. I'm not. It's all the same. Life is a big fucking repeat. There's no such thing as love, as luck, as fate, or even death. You never die...Because people are all exactly the same. I really feel like just offing myself right about now...I'm no one special, I'm no one unique I'm fucking the same as everyone else. I've been so happy lately...And then today reality really hits me. I'm not going to New York, no one is ever going to love me because love doesn't really exist, I'm not going to be a famous writer, I'm not going to be beautiful and have a wonderful life. I'll never go anywhere...I was born here, I've lived here, and I'll die here. I was born alone, I've lived alone with breaks of companionship, but I will die as alone as I was born. I finally see what everyone has been trying to tell me all my life...The world sucks, I'm nothing special, and no one can ever love me. I might as well give my life to someone who will love it, who will think it's something special, and who won't figure out the truth. I'm tired of looking for a life that I can never have...That no one can ever have. No one is ever happy and no one is ever loved because none of those things exist.

 Jesus that was a mess....The whole get a boyfriend and dump him within a few hours of eachother thing...Yeah...Kind of breeds drama. But I did it for a good reason...My really good friend likes him and it's always friends first with me...Friends are always there for me, but love always goes away. I've learned by now to keep my friends closer to my heart than my lovers....When I don't, bad things happen. Today he seemed sad about it though...He said he didn't want to date the other girl and kept hugging on me and trying to get me to go off in private with him. I feel bad...Really bad...But it just wouldn't work. I'd never be able to forgive myself for hurting a friend. I'm just so glad to be getting away from school for a week. I promised myself I wouldn't give into the highschool drama...It all seems so stupid to me. I mean, I see the way things SHOULD be...And I know other people see the way things should be too...But they make such a big friggin deal getting there that by the time all the dust has settled things have changed again and it's not right anymore. I know I'm guitly of this too...Where, when, and in what circumstance...I have no clue! But I've done it.
 Today wasn't the best of days...I had a geometry test, a history quiz, an English quiz, had to reperform my play again and AGAIN people forgot their friggin' lines! And everyone keeps telling me date Gustavo Kat! He likes you so much Kat! You two are so cute together Kat! But I just don't feel for him that way really...He's a sweet guy, he really is, and he's fun to be with...But 9 times out of 10 the girl falls for the wrong boy...And there just isn't any of that type of chemistry with us.

 Jesus that was a mess....The whole get a boyfriend and dump him within a few hours of eachother thing...Yeah...Kind of breeds drama. But I did it for a good reason...My really good friend likes him and it's always friends first with me...Friends are always there for me, but love always goes away. I've learned by now to keep my friends closer to my heart than my lovers....When I don't, bad things happen. Today he seemed sad about it though...He said he didn't want to date the other girl and kept hugging on me and trying to get me to go off in private with him. I feel bad...Really bad...But it just wouldn't work. I'd never be able to forgive myself for hurting a friend. I'm just so glad to be getting away from school for a week. I promised myself I wouldn't give into the highschool drama...It all seems so stupid to me. I mean, I see the way things SHOULD be...And I know other people see the way things should be too...But they make such a big friggin deal getting there that by the time all the dust has settled things have changed again and it's not right anymore. I know I'm guitly of this too...Where, when, and in what circumstance...I

  Oh my God...The week I've had. I am about ready to pull out my hair in exasperation. Let me give you a basic run down... Had a 3 hour drama rehearsal then a psychology filming project done in the same day, got the shit for telling the people at planned parenthood about the shit Skye did...They made me leave class and talk to a police woman and they wanted me to file a report and make charges but I wouldn't, failed a geometry test, decided to quit smoking, Had to perform my play for my drama class and everyone forgot their lines, Got a boyfriend, dumped a boyfriend, told my best friend who I have a crush on and best friend asks crush to go with me to my Grandma's wedding and crush says yes and yeah...That's been my week. I've been going frickin' insane and Thanksgiving break is looking like a Godsend. Tomorrow I'm working again...But that's a piece of cake.I can just sit there and watch TV with the kid I'm watching. It's an easy 10 bucks an hour. And once I have it...I'll have $120 which is only a little bit short of half the money for the ticket to New York! I know it doesn't seem like much...But it means a lot. I mean, that's a lot closer to my dream. I have a whole almost 8 months to get up the rest of the money I need. I'm going to apply to Macys to work...I haven't heard back from any of my other jobs yet...It's been less than a week so maybe I'll still get a callback but I need to get a job NOW. I need to start raising money NOW.I'm not going to be stuck in California this Summer...I'm going to New York.

 It's sad when you can just tell someone has given up on you. When they don't care anymore if you succeed or if you just slip through the cracks. It's sad to know that once upon a time they would have been disappointed in you...But now they just say whatever. Moms' given up on me.I got TWO fucking Ds on my report card...And she doesn't even care. All she said was...Oh,so the only REAL classes you're taking you can't pass. I have A's in half my classes! I have a C in psychology(which I'm not proud of) and then two big Ds. I hate myself for being so stupid. I was having such a good day too...It was raining when I woke up, and everyone loved my script for drama, I got to write my story for most of English and even though none of my group was around during lunch really...I had fun with Alex and Derrek. Then I got an F on my fucking history paper...But I was expecting that. You can't write a good history paper in 45 minutes. But then I failed my geometry test! I couldn't believe it.I was so upset. And then I go home and mom is a in a bad mood and just being really cutting with all of her comments. Telling me the only thing the matter with me is I don't eat enough and my suicide attempts were never real and I never really cut and all of that was fake to get attention. Why would she say that stuff to me? I don't know what the Hell is the matter with me...But I know food doesn't fix it. I've been in a pretty up mood these past couple days. Although I have had those really dark moments where life just seemed like it should end because it sucked so much. And I've been feeling extra fat and hideous. But just the prospect of New York this Summer...That makes me so happy that I can't even begin to describe. I really hope IHOP hires me...Although I should probably start applying at more places. I could try Longs too...I mean, it's already my second home...Might as well. On the bright side though...Audrey and I are going to a play tongiht. I've really missed her. I haven't seen her since Ken and I broke up. I really hate being alone...That's one thing I've undoubtedly discovered. I hate not having someone to talk to, or just to play around with...But I guess that's how life goes. You're either too alone or too crowded. Never pefect. I guess I've been feeling generally happier...But there's still that darkness underlaying it all...You know? During the daytime...I'm usually alright...But it's the night I have problems with. Because I know I'm alone and that tomorrow I'm still going to be alone and the next day and the next until something happens...But something might never happen and I might always be alone. I know I'm not really alone...I have my friends, and I have Audrey, and Pyro and Suki and Ashes...But they aren't always there. Or sometimes they aren't enough. I dunno..Maybe this is just a post breaking thing...Or just a teenage angst thing. Anyways, on a lighter note, I'm getting a tattoo next week probably! Richele's ex boyfriend is coming back in town to visit and he's 18 so he's going to act as my guardian and then all three of us are going up to SF and I'm going to get inked! Way awesome...Mom would turn purple if she found out.

 I had a bit of a breakdown today. I sat alone in a secluded corner of a shopping mall and cried for about fifteen minutes follow by contemplation of jumping off the side of the building. I'm just not getting over this stupid breakup thing with Ken.I guess because it's all my fault...And I might be able to fix it if only I were willing to make myself into something completely different. I keep thinking that he might want me back if I called him and told him I can change, that I would change, if he'd only take me back. It's illogical...And I won't do it but it's just something that keeps gnawing at me. Even if I DID do that...He wouldn't take me back. It was made clear to me that there were other things fucked up other than my lack of talking. I don't know why I want him to want me back...It wasn't that fairy tale love that I've always dreamed of. It wasn't absolute passion and complete adoration and it didn't drown out the rest of the world...Not to say I didn't love him(I did and still do...Another reason why I can't shake these fucking feelings)...Just that it wasn't what complete love should be. I don't think that he and I had complete love...We had part of love. But, it wasn't good enough. I'm never really good enough. I really wish I could have been different. I wish I could have seen the signs and made sure that I fixed things. I wish I still had him...But wishes don't count. If wishes counted trying to be different would have counted...Trying to talk would have counted. Trying to be what he asked of me would have counted. But it didn't, and no matter how many stars I wish on...No matter if I were to go before the Goddess and beg her...Even if I were to cast a magic spell...It doesn't and wishes don't mean anything other than I can't controle my own life. I find out today Skye's talking shit about me around NH. She's making it out like I was a terriable person. That really hurt me...I mean...I don't talk shit about her. I don't tell anyone what sort of shit she did to me(people who read this excluded)...I just pretend that I don't know her. And I really don't anymore. So I don't understand why she has to go and tell people I'm a bad person. I don't know where any of this is going...I don't know why Ken and Skye and my own inatiquities(sp?) make me start crying. I don't know why I can't seem to be good enough for anyone...Or why I can't seem to ever find someone who is the type of person I need if it's going to work. I just want to turn back time...I want to go way back...Way, way back...Tell mom not to get the diaphram...Just get a shot or take a pill or something along those lines. I really wish I'd never been born and I don't have the guts to put a bullet in my brain. If I'd never been born everyone would be so much happier...Things just would have worked out better. 
 However, there have been some posative aspectsto my day.I filled out applications to work at PETCO and IHOP...I really want IHOP. I'd get to meet people and I'd get to work on several phobias at once. Although I wouldn't complain if I got PETCO instead...I'll apply to other places too of course...But those are the ones I did today. Also, Audrey and I are going to New York City this Summer...Since we're both going to have jobs we're going to save as much as possiable and get plane tickets and then stay in some really cheap-ass motel. We're going to try to get my Dad to chaperone us. I'm really excited about that...New York, New York...My dream. And I get to go there with my best friend. Maybe all the other girls get to go to Europe, get pretty new cars, go to Hawaii and buy anything on whim... But I get to go to my dream. And that's better than all of that. Just thinking about that helps...I was dumped, I'm a bad person, there isn't anyone out there to love me, BUT I get to go to New York with my best friend and live my dream for an entire week!!!

 I figured out why Ken and I didn't work. It all goes back to what two seperate psychics told me...If you build a relationship out of unsteady matierials on an unsteady ground....The relationship will be unsteady. I did with him what I always do. Instead of focusing on trying to get better...I focused on trying to hide how messed up I am for fear of rejection. I told Dad about the breakup...He didn't seem surprised...Although he seems to think that Ken will call me in a week and want me back. I doubt it...He seemed pretty sure and pretty done with me. But I guess it's for the best...I mean...I felt the chemistry but obviously he didn't.We had nothing in common, and I'm so much younger and more inexpirienced than he is...And he expects everything to happen right away and I just can't do that. Dad told me I really need to work on my communication skills and that it's okay to be hurt...He said it's better to look stupid and be honest than to look smart and be a lie. I guess that makes sense. But I can't show that I'm hurt...I can't. Not with everyone watching me. Mom's watching me for the slightest sign of suicidality...Ready to send me off on a 51-50 at any notice. Audrey was overly sympathetic...I know she's just trying to help but she's probably happy.  Yeah, I'm hurt...Broken heart, all that great stuff...But I can't let anyone in to see that. I need to try and focus on getting better now...I need to figure out HOW. How can I get better? How do I get rid of depression? How do I stop looking at myself like a monster? How do I buil confidence and happiness? How do I do all this by myself with no memory of what it's like to have any other type of life and mood but this one? I have to do it by myself...And I've finally figured that out. If I let anyone else help me...I'll just focus on making them happy by pretending to get better. I'm still upset over Ken...I wish things could have worked out...But they didn't. He obviously wasn't it for me. I have to wonder though...Will I ever find Mr./Ms. Right? I'm begining to think I already have...And I just fucked it up so badly that I ruined my one chance at happily ever after. No, not Ken, no dillusions there...Yeah...I loved him...Yeah, I would have liked to have gotten serious with me...And yeah I would have liked to have that bestfriend/lover bond with him...But it didn't happen that way. No, I was thinking of Juan. My first love. We never fought...And we always seemed to have something to talk about and he always made me happy and gave me that stupid flutter heart feeling. So either it was love or heart disease. I'm begining to think they're one in the same. But that was back when I was a kid...I wasn't really ready for happily ever after...I wanted to see if there was something else out there...Something closer(he lived really far away). I still talk to him on occasion...But there's that used-to-be-lovers awkwardness. But, none of that matters because now I have to get better. I have to. I'm done being sick. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of cutting and crying all the time...I'm tired of hating myself...I'm tired of thinking that every compliment has some maniacle secret double meaning behind it... I'm tired of not being good enough for anyone...Including myself. So, I'm done. I'm going to get better and that's all there is to it. I think I'm going to try hypnosis as a cure...I've taken a few courses and I can't get much more fucked up. So, here I go...All alone once again...But I refuse to stay that way. Mr./Ms Right is out there SOMEWHERE and I will find them and I will live happily ever after...I'll be a well known author in New York with a ton of animals,three kids and a partner that loves me for my flaws...As well as my strongpoints. I've decided that. I don't want someone who loves me despite my flaws..I want them to love me for them.