I cry through my skin.

Oct 30, 2006 at 18:13 o\clock

The Witches New Year

 Tomorrow is the New Year...I guess I'm conditioned to go back and think about all that's happened since the last cycle passed. It'spuzzeling really to look at all that's happened since this time last year. Although, something posative has happened...I think I'm starting to get better. I don't know why...I still cut,I still cry,I still think about killing myself...but not as much anymore. I've started to get better...After all this time.Although, ironically, I stayed home sick from school today. My eyeball is being weird and is all swollen. I can't help but wonder what the year ahead holds for me...I mean, look at all that's changed that I thought was always going to be. The most obvious being that I'm not with Skye anymore...And I cut off all my hair, I've lost weight, I'm on medication, I'm getting 'help' for my 'sickness', and I like schooll again. I never thought any of those things would ever happen to me. I've been given a lot this year...I don't think there are even words to describe how thankful I am for all the blessings I've recieved...Even if it was just by sheer dumb luck...Although I can't believe that. I have so many people around me who love and care about me...The best they can at least. And for that, I'm so greatful. I didn't have that last year...All I had last year was Skye...And she loved me the best she could, in the ways she knew how...Even if they did prove to be destructive in the long run. That doesn't matter. I'm not really left longing for as much as I was...And now I have no frickin' idea what's going to happen to me in the future. But the real question here is...Do I want to know? I mean...It'd be nice to see if I'm happy and if I become a writer and who I marry and how many kids I have and to see if I get what I want. But what if I don't? What if I never get married, so I never have kids and what if I'm not a good writer at all so I never publish a book so I never have enough money to make a better life for the ones I love and myself than what I have now? If I found out I don't get what I want...Then I don't think I'd want anything at all. I don't think I'd accept that I don't get what I want and when it turned out to be true I'd go kind of crazy because I'd spent all that time in denial for nothing. I don't know what the New Year will bring...Or if I'll be as fortunate this coming cycle as I was this past one...But I think I'm finally ready for it.

Oct 29, 2006 at 19:46 o\clock

Closed Book

 Yesterday sucked and today isn't promising to be better. Ken and I got into this...Altercation type thing. It can't be called a fight...I was the only one mad and there wasn't yelling. He was upset because of all I do with Audrey...And not with him. It's more than understandale...I get it. And if this situation were reversed...I'd probably be really hurt and upset over it. But it feels like to me I'm a special case. I know I'm not...That I should just be 100% with him...But I can't. I can't help but worry that me isn't good enough...If he, or anyone, saw what a bad person I was they'd hate me and wouldn't want me in their lives anymore. I'm not even 100% with Audrey..Yeah, I do terriable things around her like eating, smoking, and crying...But I do it all in small ammounts. I smoke when I'm freaked out...But only when I can be sure I don't have to go anywhere or do anything...Cigarretes make me really dizzy and make it hard for me to stand or walk. With Ken...He's a casual smoker...He doesn't just do it when he's freaked out...He just does it. Seeming without reason. I don't do that...I don't like to. Anymore than I like to cut. I guess I just get kind of freaked out around Audrey and I need to chill out. As for crying...I try so hard not to cry around anyone...And when I do cry...Audrey just sometimes magically calls me or I really need to talk to someone and she's the only person who I can think of talking to without bringing them down. As for eating...I just don't like eating in front of anyone...The reason why I'm sortofish okay with eating in front of Audrey is because she gets my weird little eating quirks. I guess I can't explain this to him...It wouldn't make any sense to him I don't think. I want to be close to him...As close to him as I am to Audrey...But I can't tell him that because it seems like he expects everything right away. He doesn't get how used I am to keeping everything to myself. He also said that time doesn't make things closer if I'm not willng to oepn up. I feel like such a terriable person for not being able to open up...I'm not a book...I don't open and close on demand. I guess that was what made yesterday bad...That and my comparing myself to the ever beautiful Audrey.

Oct 27, 2006 at 00:27 o\clock

No Se.

 I don't understand. Anything. I don't understand why a guy whom I was certain thought of as merely an aquaintance thinks of me as an object of desire...I don't understand why my cat won't come inside...I don't understand why it seriously feels like I'm dying. I don't understand anything. Please help. I don't understand why I don't feel better even after I smoked...Why I feel fatter even though my clothes tell me I'm losing weight...I don't understand why I keep fainting or just anything. And on top of everything else...My mother is a frickin' idiot. She goes and makes sure she's pretty much fired from her main job, then she quits her other job...All the while thinking she can get some better job. Doesn't she understand how this world works? If you don't know how to do anything..You can't do anything. She has no tolerence for people, can't type, doesn't understand business, isn't particularly pretty, and she doesn't even have anything to fall back on when times get harsh. Is that what a midlife crisis looks like? Throwing everything away because you don't want to do it anymore. I keep hoping that maybe things will get better...Maybe John will stop being a psychopath, maybe Mom will understand that she has to work for a living, maybe I'll stop being the source of everyone's fucking problems and maybe my sister will stop pointing it out. Everyon e tells me how irresponsable I am for not having a job...What sort of job could I get? I'm as useless as my mother. And I don't even have a highschool degree! Besides that...All my stupid phobias eliminate most jobs I could potentially get. I'm such a stupid invalid. I should go die. People always tell me...I'm pretty I'm special I'm unique...I'M NOT! I wish I were...I wish I could be what they want me to be...I wish I could be a well adjusted girl...I wish I came from a normal family...I wish I didn't have to worry about whether or not I can even live here anymore...Or whether my death would be a blessing in disguise because it would bring about more money. I wish I didn't have to think that I'm always doing the wrong thing...That everyone would be better off without me...But I do. I can't help but think how much more everyone would smile and laugh and be happy if I just weren't around anymore. And then I wonder...Why was I born? Was I just the undesirable product of a night of passion? Am I someone's punishment? Am I just completely alone in the world? It doesn't matter. I don't know...I don't understand...I just want to stop being so sad. I hope Audrey can come over...She's had a shit day too...Maybe if we're together shit+shit=Happy? 8 days no cutting...Sorry, but I gotta wreck that.

Oct 27, 2006 at 00:27 o\clock

No Se.

 I don't understand. Anything. I don't understand why a guy whom I was certain thought of as merely an aquaintance thinks of me as an object of desire...I don't understand why my cat won't come inside...I don't understand why it seriously feels like I'm dying. I don't understand anything. Please help. I don't understand why I don't feel better even after I smoked...Why I feel fatter even though my clothes tell me I'm losing weight...I don't understand why I keep fainting or just anything. And on top of everything else...My mother is a frickin' idiot. She goes and makes sure she's pretty much fired from her main job, then she quits her other job...All the while thinking she can get some better job. Doesn't she understand how this world works? If you don't know how to do anything..You can't do anything. She has no tolerence for people, can't type, doesn't understand business, isn't particularly pretty, and she doesn't even have anything to fall back on when times get harsh. Is that what a midlife crisis looks like? Throwing everything away because you don't want to do it anymore. I keep hoping that maybe things will get better...Maybe John will stop being a psychopath, maybe Mom will understand that she has to work for a living, maybe I'll stop being the source of everyone's fucking problems and maybe my sister will stop pointing it out. Everyon e tells me how irresponsable I am for not having a job...What sort of job could I get? I'm as useless as my mother. And I don't even have a highschool degree! Besides that...All my stupid phobias eliminate most jobs I could potentially get. I'm such a stupid invalid. I should go die. People always tell me...I'm pretty I'm special I'm unique...I'M NOT! I wish I were...I wish I could be what they want me to be...I wish I could be a well adjusted girl...I wish I came from a normal family...I wish I didn't have to worry about whether or not I can even live here anymore...Or whether my death would be a blessing in disguise because it would bring about more money. I wish I didn't have to think that I'm always doing the wrong thing...That everyone would be better off without me...But I do. I can't help but think how much more everyone would smile and laugh and

Oct 26, 2006 at 05:16 o\clock

Broken Mask

 Today pretty much sucked again. My therapist is lying to me...She's trying to make me get better through lies. She tells me that I am pretty, I'm thin enough, that I'm a special person. I am every other teenage girl in the world. I am just as stupid, I'm fatter, and I'm just another stereotype. I am nothing that she said and her lies aren't going to help me get better. She thinks I should be in the eating disorder group...Which is laughable. She also thinks I should be in just a normal group instead of an IOP(intensive outpatient) group. She doesn't exactly think I'm sane enough for one...Just that my mom wouldn't have to come so it wouldn't make a difference. And I saw Ken today...Which was nice. I've really missed him...But he really hurt my feelings. Okay, so we were walking along and I decided to be a little silly...Doing the whole no I missed you more bit. Then he was like OH MY GOD! YOU'RE ACTUALLY BEING CUTE AND ACTING LIKE A GIRLFRIEND! Usually you're all tough and serious and acting like you don't have any emotions. I have a lot of emotions...Too many...And I hate having to act tough...But that's just it, I have to. As for my emotions...He says he gets why I hide them...But obviously not. Getting hurt...I don't knwo if I could ha ndle it again. Look what happened last time I let my emotions be known. The whole acting like a girlfriend thing...That  really stung. I try to act like a girlfriend...But I don't know how. I don't know what I'm supossed to be...What he wants me to be...Obviously what I am isn't good enough. I doubt he meant it as a cut...I know guys, in general, are way more laid back and don't think deeply enoug abo0t what they say before they say it.  But it still kind of hurt...And now I'm on guard again...Wondering what I should be. I guess it doesn't matter...I fuck everything up eventually anyways. 7 days without cutting...About an hour and a half without a cigarette. I'm feeling kind of like screwing up both records.

Oct 25, 2006 at 04:52 o\clock

Deep Seeded fears.

 I had such a bad day today. I was crying all day because Razz ran away. I wanted to cut all day but I couldn't leave class. I couldn't stop the tears either. I hated myself for that...But one of my friends was really nice to me...He gave me hugs and told me it was going to be okay. I didn't really believe him, but it was nice to know that someone cared enough to tell me the comforting lies. But, the reason I was crying was really selfish...I was crying because I have this stupid fear...You all are going to laugh when you hear it...But it's that I don't have enough love to give. I have so many people and things in my life that I love, that I'm expected to care for and do, and I've always worried that I won't have enough love for everyone to be happy. And I know what it's like the be on the raw end of that deal...To be the one looking so desperetly for love and affection only to find that even scraping the bottom of the barrel, so to speak, won't yield anything. I hate the feeling that you're all alone in the world, that no one cares, and that there isn't enough for you. And I couldn't believe that I was on the giving end of that...That I made someone feel so poorly that they needed to go away. I'm a terriable person, I don't deserve to live...I really don't. If I can't even make a CAT feel loved...Then I can't make my dogs, my bunny, my future husband and children, and my friends all feel loved. I hate myself so much right now...Razz came back, but she didn't come back because she felt loved. She came back because she was cold and confused and didn't have another family. I'm a bad person...I know I have a lot of love in my heart...But obviously it isn't enough. But then again...I've never been good enough for anything have I?

Oct 24, 2006 at 06:18 o\clock

What do I want?

 Do I want to die quickly or slowly? Do I want to be a hypocrit or a liar? Do I want to bleed to death internally or externally? Do I want to cut or smoke? Right now...Cigarettes have taken place of cutting...But now I'm a hypocrite for yelling at all the people I love to quit smoking. For telling them they're going to die a terriable death and how nasty they are. If I cut...I'm indusing a lie. Lulling everyone into the 'she's okay' state. I'm trying to die for the moment, but not for the life. What the Hell do I want? Do I want to smoke or cut?  Both are bad for me...Both will kill me...Both I've tried to make other people quit. I'm a fucking hypocrit and if anyone finds out they'll hate me. Except my best friend...She understands. If Ken finds out...I'm fucking dead. I KNOW that'd cause a major falling out. Dad is going to kill me to. I might as well just do it myself while I'm still instead. Die quickly and bleed to death on the outside and have LIAR scrawled across my tomb. It would serve me right.

Oct 23, 2006 at 02:37 o\clock

Stupid Ugly Girl

 I hate myself. I hate the way I look. Why do I have to be so ugly? Why? Why is it I'm born to a family of attractive people...And I'm the only one that turned out monstrerous? I'm pale...I'm fat...My eyes are too small and too close together...I have a big nose and weird shaped lips...And on top of that...I'm so stupid I dye my hair black. Why didn't I just leave it at red? Red is a nice, normal color...I had to fuck it up with black. Everything is black with me. I'm a stupid fucking emo. The next logical step in the sequence is cut my wrists and die. Maybe I will. I don't care right now...I hate myself for being ugly...For being stupid...For not having anything real to give the world. I don't understand where this down is coming from...I was in such a great mood this morning and no I feel like absolute shit. I'm not sure if this means the meds are working or if they're making me worst...Honestly, I'd rather not have any happy times than to have all these fucking down times that seem worse because I know that sometimes life is okay. And on top of that...The entire world seems dead set on me figuring out if I want to be super serious with Ken or if I just want to play around. My mom kept hinting how if he ever gets in trouble finacially I can have him live in my closet(my Aunt did that to my Uncle when they were highschool sweethearts) and pesters me about how I need to be more serious with him...Be sweeter, more romantic, and more cuddley. Sweet isn't in my personality. I'm a bitch. People need to get over that. Romantic is hard with Ken...I'm not sure how any of that sort of stuff would go over with him. I'm not sure if he'd tease me about it, get weirded out by it, or whatever. I don't even want to take that chance. Besides that, I'd be kind of embaressed to give him a love poem...I don't know why. I'd be embaressed to show him ANY of my writing come to think of it. Of course, I can't tell my mom that. And then my stupid books are all talking about how relationships or either really serious or their not and TV and movies are as well. So you know what? BLAH!  I don't care, I don't want to listen to any of them..Any ways,no one should be serious with me since I'm so hidous and emo and stupid. How does any of this connect? No clue. However I'm about half a step away from going ahead and cutting my wrists. And if my mom pushes food at me one more fucking time...I swear to God I will.

Oct 22, 2006 at 02:37 o\clock

Blarg

 I saw one of my childhood friends at the store today...She got knocked up and had a little baby boy. He was the most adorable thing and had the most gorgeous green eyes...I mean, wow. And just the way he smiled at me when I talked to him, completely melted my heart. Seeing her with him though...It just put me a little more at ease. If I am pregnant, I'd be right about the same age she was when she got pregnant. I mean, she seems to be able to handle it okay and she's even on her own and she had to drop out of highschool too. She didn't even have a boyfriend when she got pregnant. So, maybe I'd be okay...I wouldn't expect Ken to stick around through it...But, he'd probably be there through part of it. Although, I'm more and more convinced that I'm not at all. You know why? Because I'm sick. My stomache's been hurting me insanely and I've been throwing up a lot...Therefore anything that happens to me is purely hypocondriatic. So ha! I'm not pregnant! I dunno...I'm having a shit day and I'm trying to find something...Anything...To keep me from going back into that nreally depressed state of the other day... That's probably what's bugging my stomache anyways. That or the new vitamins Mom's got me on. And Ryan kind of put me in a downer mood...She told me that I was the worst case of depression she's ever encountered and that my self esteeme is worse than hers. I don't think my depression is that bad...Or that my self esteeme is that bad either...I'm realistic about my looks and who I am...I know I'm a bad person for all the shit I do, and that I'm even worse in appearances. Today just hasn't been a good day.

Oct 21, 2006 at 05:41 o\clock

Unbelieveable.

 I just don't even know what's going on. Ken and I are back together, I don't know if I told you that already. I'm really really happy about that...Although defenintly a bit skiddish about it. Audrey just keeps making me so paranoid...She keeps telling me how we'll probably last two years and that he is definently not a good match for me and how she was proud I broke up with him but she wasn't proud that I got back with him.  If he and I are going to break up...It can't be in two years...I'll be turning 18...Absolutely everything will be turned inside out and upside down and I don't want to have to deal with mending a broken heart in the process. If he and I are going to break up...He should do it when I'm 17 then I'll be sad my Senior year...But I'll be slightly better once I'm an adult. I swear, sometimes that girl makes me want to just slit my wrists and die because it seems so hopeless.
 Although, I got a sign from God today. I was going to get some pot...But the guys bolted. That sucked...But, I guess it means I shouldn't be doing drugs...Especially if I might be pregnant...Which makes me feel like shit for taking a few puffs of that cigarette...I probably just damned my baby that may or may not exist to retardation. However, I take that to mean that I should not be doing drugs and that I'm a bad and stupid person.
 And I having nothing to do this weekend which sucks. I'm going to bored and alone. I hate being alone. Audrey is gone, my schoolmates are only at school friends and my boyfriend works. Boo. I should make new friends...Although, I have been making friends at school. Which I'm really really happy about. I'm not so lonely at school anymore...I mean, I still want a deeper connection with someone(anyone) but I'll settle for what I have.

Oct 19, 2006 at 17:02 o\clock

Why?

 What the Hell makes me so special I can't die? I should be fucking dead right now. I took all the Zoloft pills I hoarded...And half a bottle of Tylenol...All and all I took around a hundred pills. Why aren't I dead? Because I had to get up in the middle of the stupid night...And throw them all up. I don't really know why I did it...I just wanted to stop hurting. It didn't seem like there was any light at the end of the tunnel and I didn't want to spend the rest of my life at rock bottom. I mean...Seriously...Look at me. I'm fucking nothing! I can't do any of the stuff I want to do...I won't be able to go anywhere in this world. I'm jsut another fuck up suicidal teen who's screwing up a world that's already in bad enough condition. 
 I broke up with Ken last night. I really didn't want to...But...It's obviously not working. We got into this stupid fight about the potential pregnancy...And one thing led to another and he got mad and I got mad...And you know what? I was just running away. Again. Running away from everything that ever has the potential to make me happy. I've just been feeling a lot more for him...More than I should. More than what I've allotted. It's scary...I'd just be taken over by the sudden realization that I hadn't seen him in X days and how much I miss him. Or I'd be thinking about absolutely nothing and then he'd pop into my head and I realize how much I loved him and cared about him. Not that I didn't do that before mind you...It's just more often...And more intense. I recognize that road...And it's a long fall to the bottom. I can't drag him down with me... He deserves better than that. Besides, he's always telling me how he's always getting all these offers from the girls at his work...I'm sure he'll find someone better there. I know it's for the best...But it hurts like a mother. I'm resisting right now calling him and begging for him to take me back. It was really bad last night though...He told me that he wants to help me and that he wants to help us but he can't unless I open up and be 100% with him...I guess that's when it really hit me how much I hurt him. He couldn't have been happy with me...If he had been, he wouldn't feel the need to help me.
 I also stayed home today. There was no way in Hell I could face all the people at school. I was up most the night crying. I shouldn't cry...He'll be happier now and he'll probably go off and have the type of life he deserves. It just kind of sucks because now I'm not at all happy. And I've decided I'm fucked over for the rest of my dating career. Now that there is no way around me not being a virgin...Guys will want me for only that...If for anything. Not that it matters anyways... Who needs love or dating or any of that shit? I only end up hurting everyone I care about. Like Ken. At least, I think I hurt him....I'm not entirely sure. He didn't seem at all upset about it over the phone...Maybe he wasn't. He probably wasn't...This had probably been on his mind for a while...The only reason why he probably was still with me because of the slight possibility that I might be pregnant. Well, he doesn't have to worry about that now...Does he? I probably killed the baby last night with all my fucking medication anyways...Great. Now I'm an unsucessful emo, a whore, and a murderer.
 Why didn't I die? I don't know if I'm going to try again...If I do...Maybe I should just slit my throat. I wish I hadn't broken up with him...I really love him...I'm really in love with him...But I can't let him know that. He's probably already over me.

Oct 19, 2006 at 01:10 o\clock

I Scare Me

 What's wrong with me? I mean honestly? Why am I such a bad person? Why can't I get over my own fucking issues and help someone else out? Why do I have to go and lie about it instead? I told my best friend that I was going out with Ken today....And she really wanted me to come over because she's having such a bad day. I'm not going out with Ken today....I'm just about an inch and a half away from slitting my wrists and I don't feel like taking on anyone else's luggage right now. I'm so fucking selfish. I SHOULD just go kill myself. No one can ever love me or even like me...I'm just such a bad person.
 I don't even know why I'm in such a depressed state. I was doing great earlier...My friend, Mykael, really helped me sort out some of my eating disorder stuff. She made it clear to me that she thought I was pretty and thin the way I am. I don't know...She just made me feel like...Maybe I was human. I know it sounds weird...But I've never been able to believe I'm made of quite the same stuff everyone else is...It's like they're all great, wonderful people and I'm...Me. A stupid, egocentric, selfish, bitch who can't even get off her own stupid ass to help one of the only people in the world she considers close. Although, to be honest, I'm not even sure if my best friend and I are that close anymore. I can't really talk to her anymore...I can't call her up in tears and tell her I want to jump off a cliff and die...I can't tell her about mom and John fighting...Or Cassie being a bitch. I know she wants me to...I know she expects me to...But I can't. Every time I see her or talk to her...The words just don't come. It's like that with everyone. It's not really that I don't want to reach out...I just...Can't. It's like there's a wall between me and them...And I can see and hear them...But I can't touch them. If I did, I'd give them my deadly disease. Whatever the Hell I have. I don't know...I just want out of my head. I want out of my LIFE. It's not that I want to die...I just don't want to live. I don't want to deal with the aches and pains...And I know that's what makes living so unique. In death, you don't get that. You can't truely appreciate happiness until you've hurt long and hard...But even so...I'm sick of hurting so badly. I haven't cut all week...But Ican't not do it anymore. I'm scared that I might hurt myself badly...But that's a chance I'm willing to take at this point. I don't care if I hurt...As long as this is the last time.

Oct 17, 2006 at 03:27 o\clock

Frugglelumps>:[

 I'm so mad right now. Why do people make promises they don't keep? Am I like some sub-person who doesn't deserve promises to be kept? Or do people just think so little of their word that they break it on whim? I'm acting like a snotty rich kid...But I'm just frusterated. I wanted a stupid tape recorder to help me learn my drama lines and memorize postulates and theroms for geometry...And I know money has been tight...So I asked for one for my birthday. Didn't get it. I asked later if mom wouldn't mind getting me one for school...She said okay. And I've been reminding her DAILY for the past three weeks about it and she's always said...Okay, okay, okay. She promised she'd have it for me in time. And then today she was just like Nope, can't do it. I understand that she doesn't have the money...That's okay. But I don't understand why she wouldn't give me some frickin' notice so I wouldn't have to get down to the wire.
 guess I'm frizzled about the whole possiable pregancy I've been worrying nonstop about it...And I know that I can't be a mommy...And I don't know if I could grow up before the little fetus thing developed into a baby and shoved it's way into this world. And I really don't know if I could handle something being the center of my universe, whether I was mad at it or not and having it ALWAYS there with no relief. On top of that, I'd have to split with Ken...And I'd never be able to get another boyfriend again...Guys don't want girls who got knocked up and have responsibilities. But my worse fear of all...It's being pregnant, getting really pregnant, and then having a miscarriage. What do you do after that? How does one just go back to the life they had to abandon in order to have the baby that didn't get a chance to live? I was thinking maybe I should just kill myself...That wouldn't be an abortion persay...And I wouldn't be a mom, and no one would be hurt that I was so irresponsiable as to get knocked up and such a fucking whore to actually have sex. But I don't know if I can do that...I mean, if I am pregnant...Is it fair to die without letting the baby have a chance to live just because I'm too much of a wuss to stick it out? I know it's not. But I'm holding my breathe until my period comes...And if it doesn't...I don't know what I'll do. I don't know what I can do. I couldn't live with myself if I had an abortion...And I know that's what I should do. It's the sensiable thing. It's what most girls my age do. I'm so scared...And so depressed...I just don't know if I even care to stick it out to find out if I am pregnant.

 

Oct 16, 2006 at 03:47 o\clock

Rawr...Love.

 I ended up going out with my best friend today...It was kind of fun. I just felt extremely nausiated  and sick and I got kind of pissy with her...For which I feel bad. But...She just got me thinking about Ken and me. She told me that I don't seem like I'm all that happy with what he and I have...And that he doesn't think he and I will last. To be perfectly honest, I don't expect it to...I know I'm not really what he wants...Maybe I am what he wants right now...But maybe in a month or so...He'll figure something better to want. That sort of stuff just worries me. It's the very reason why I can't seem to make myself give my most intimate parts to him...I don't want them to rejected or hurt. I know hewouldn't do any of that on purpose...And I know that he loves me...But only for now. I guess in a way I'm not happy...Only in the sense that I expect it to end and  because I expect it to end I refuse to allow it to get too deep.*Sigh* he'd be mad if he knew that. But then again, I should keep perspective. He wouldn't be mad about this...We've only been together for a short time...And I know he doesn't expect us to last either. I make mountains out of molehills. I guess I'm just scared to allow myself to be completely open to someone again...Look where it got me last time. I was hurt by everything she said or did...If she so much as mentioned another girl I thought she was going to break up with me. I don't want to do that again...I don't want to be so in love...Or infatuated...Whichever...That that happens again. I doubt he'd even want me to be like that...I don't think he'd do well with me in 'jealous-psychotic' mode. I don't know...Audrey just got me thinking...And now I'm forced to wonder...What the Hell is going to happen? And what does he want to happen in the future? Anything? I expect too much too fast...But...I just can't seem to help it. I want to know what to envision my future...And right now all I can envision is a lonely house with a fat spinster within.

Oct 15, 2006 at 18:41 o\clock

My God...

 Wel, last night was anything but uneventful. Ken and I ditched out on homecoming...I had serious anxiety attacks over the mass ammounts of people, the loud noises, strobe lights, and small spaces...It was not my cup of tea. I kind of wish I had stayed...You know? I love Homecoming...It's just nice to be there with your friends dancing and having fun...It helps me forget everything. I even felt almost pretty...Until I saw all the other girls that is...They looked amazing. They looked like mannequins that were suddenly granted life and decided to go to Homecoming just for the fun of it. I hate standing next to those beautiful girls with the tiny waists, big busts, and long pretty hair. I'm nothing compared to them...I hate that.
 But that wasn't even the big thing that happened. Okay...So after Ken and I left the dance...We went to soem place and started to fool around a little...One thing led to another...Long story short...The condom fell completely off. Now there's a pregnancy scare. I really hope it's just paranoia. If I am...I know what I have to do. First off...I'd probably have to leave home and school...Just by default. Mom would kick me out and Dad wouldn't have me...And I'd have to dump Ken...Not because I don't love him or anything...But a baby would ruin one life...I don't want it to ruin someone else's too. I couldn't get an abortion...It's not like I'm against it or anything...But I just couldn't. Just the idea of killing something that trusts me with it's entire being...That's growing inside of me...I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I know I'm probably being just stupid...I'm probably not pregnant...I just can't help but wonder...What if I am? What will I do? I'm really scared...I know I shouldn't be a mom. I shouldn't have kids. I love kids...But I shouldn't have them. I'd fuck them up really badly. If I do have a baby...It's my mistake. I have a million choices...I could get an abortion, give it up for adoption, or I could keep it. I'd be stupid and keep it...Therefore it's my fault.

Oct 14, 2006 at 20:58 o\clock

She'sBack

 Hello everyone, sorry I haven't written in so long. My computer broke and I haven't had access to the internet in forever. Luckily for me, though, my Dad brought me my laptop and said I could keep it at my house if I wanted. Life has been going...Slowly down. I've taken up cutting again...Pretty much daily. It's nothing serious...Just some cat scratches...I don't know why I can't seem to make myself go any deeper than that. I guess I'm just too afraid. My days have basically been consumed with Homecoming preperation...I'm so excited for the dance. It's tonight. I have the perfect dress, a couple of friends coming over, and an actual date! Last year Skye got grounded last minute...And couldn't go...I just hope the same doesn't happen to Ken. Don't tell(and I hope he doesn't read this) but I'm really happy he's going with me...I know he probably doesn't want to...So it's sweet that he does anyways. Other than that...Life has been a turmoil but nothing I really care to mention right now. I'm going to go start getting ready for the dance...I'll fill you guys in on what happens when I come home.

Oct 4, 2006 at 04:44 o\clock

No Comprendo

 I don't understand anything anymore. I just don't understand. Nobody wants me, nobody loves me, so why the Hell am I here? Why don't they just tell me...Yeah, Kat, we hate you. Now go slit your fucking emo wrists. This isn't even because Dad didn't bother calling(although that does contribute) I just feel like nobody gives a damn. I feel so alone...I hate this feeling. I hate not understanding...I hate this whole ordeal. I want to cry...But I can't. Tears are meaningless...Everything is meaningless...Right now the only thing that matters is pain and cutting. I give up...I've gone a while without cutting...But I don't care anymore. I just don't. I'm a stupid little emo bitch and I should die...And I know this...But I can't.

Oct 3, 2006 at 04:55 o\clock

Cleansing for my Sins.

 it's ironic. Today was a day for Jewish people to cleanse themselves of their sins...To fast and be sure that they're clean. And I go and deck someone. She wouldn't back off and I had such a crap day. Seriously...I was desperate enough to willingly go to councler and consider going to my resource teacher...The councler was out to lunch though...So I just sat alone and cried for a little while. I know, I'm just some stupid emo girl...I hate myself for it. I just can't seem to handle this anymore...This life...It's too much. I'm not smart, I'm not pretty, I'm not what they want me to be and I'm not okay. I make too many mistakes...People can make mistakes...But I'm not supossed to. I'm supossed to be perfect...I've ALWAYS been the good child. I've always been the sweet girl, the one who did what she was told and din't question why...And look where I am now. I'm a super bitch who goes and smashes everyone's expectations of me. I feel like such a failure lately...I can't do anything right. I just wish...I wish I was what they wanted. I know that's a bad wish...That people should accept me for who I am...But the truth is...They don't. I need to be what they want...Otherwise I'm not good enough.
 Oh, I cleared things up with Ken. Sort of. It turns out he's not homeless right now after all...Which is good. He was being really sweet today...But I shut him down every time he tried to be cute and romantic. He tried to tell me how much he loved me...But...There are just some days where all I hear coming out of anyone's mouth is 'bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, now smile and be happy because I'm tired of your stupid moods.' Logically, I know he meant what he said...I know he really loves me...I'm just stuck in one of those dark, unhappy places.
 There is a bright side though...I'm losing weight. Yay! It's through the old, stupid ways...I've figured out a way to throw up and stay in school(aren't I a woman of the world?) I just have to take my pills AFTER I go ahead and do the deed...And I feel okay. As much as I hate to admit it...THe drugs are helping a little bit. I mean...They make me really happy one minute...And the next I'm fighting the urge to take a paper clip to my wrist and contort it into the most painful device my warped little mind can create...But at least I have those happy spots...Right? That's a plus...But sometimes I rather wish I didn't have any happy spots to look back on...Because then I wouldn't miss it so much.

Oct 2, 2006 at 02:47 o\clock

Random or Reason?

 You know...I'm starting to wonder if there is any divine plan. Is there someone out there that laid out a plan special for me and decided all that was going to happen to me in my life? The lessons I was to learn, the people I was to meet, and the loves I was bound to suffer? It's hard to fathom. What lesson do I learn from any of this? What can I learn being some stupid 16 year old girl with depression, medication, and no hope for tomorrow? Sympathy...If I live long enough to find another soul who feels the way I do and they let me help them. I don't know where I'm gong...If anywhere. Is anythign out there meant to be? Or do I have to do everyhthing myself and there's nothing that's actually supossed to happen? When I was little...Everyone would tell me that everything happened for a reason...That God took the time to lay aside a plan for all his creatures...From the littlest ant all the way up to an elephant. They told me that he'd never let any of his children hurt too much...That he never gave them anything more than they could handle and he wanted them to be happy. I disproved that a long time ago. I'm not saying that I don't believe in a God...That's not true at all, I'm just starting to question whether I slipped through the cracks when it came to a divine plan. Nothing is happening...There's no way I can be anything I want to be. I can't be a writer, I can't be a mother, I can't be someone's one true love, I can't even be a fashion designer(my backup plan if writing didn't work out)...I can't be anything. Writing just isn't a fortee of mine, I have no fashion sense, no one could possiably love a beast and without someone to love the beast the beast can't spawn more beasts. If I can't be what I want...What am I supossed to be? Or am I supossed to be anything?

Oct 1, 2006 at 19:50 o\clock

How can he say he loves me?

 He obviously doesn't even know me. He got kicked out of his house today...And he told me to break up with him because of it.  I don't turn away from the people I love when things get hard...I try my best to help them and let them know how much I love them.  I know he's scared...And he's going through a hard time...And that the people he thought he could trust turned against him...But goddamn! Why can't he just accept that I'm differen than them? I'm not going to turn on him...I never turn on people...It's always the other way around. I guess people just don't want to believe that I really care about them...Maybe I'm just not the type of person who can care? I know it's nothing to do with me...He's having a hard time...His life is going to shit...But why does he have to act like I'm going to turn tail and run at the first sign of bad weather? I guess I really can't believe he loves me...No one can love someone unless they know them...And I thought he knew me...But I guess not.