Oct 30, 2006 at 18:13 o\clock
Oct 29, 2006 at 19:46 o\clock
Oct 27, 2006 at 00:27 o\clock
I don't understand. Anything. I don't understand why a guy whom I was certain thought of as merely an aquaintance thinks of me as an object of desire...I don't understand why my cat won't come inside...I don't understand why it seriously feels like I'm dying. I don't understand anything. Please help. I don't understand why I don't feel better even after I smoked...Why I feel fatter even though my clothes tell me I'm losing weight...I don't understand why I keep fainting or just anything. And on top of everything else...My mother is a frickin' idiot. She goes and makes sure she's pretty much fired from her main job, then she quits her other job...All the while thinking she can get some better job. Doesn't she understand how this world works? If you don't know how to do anything..You can't do anything. She has no tolerence for people, can't type, doesn't understand business, isn't particularly pretty, and she doesn't even have anything to fall back on when times get harsh. Is that what a midlife crisis looks like? Throwing everything away because you don't want to do it anymore. I keep hoping that maybe things will get better...Maybe John will stop being a psychopath, maybe Mom will understand that she has to work for a living, maybe I'll stop being the source of everyone's fucking problems and maybe my sister will stop pointing it out. Everyon e tells me how irresponsable I am for not having a job...What sort of job could I get? I'm as useless as my mother. And I don't even have a highschool degree! Besides that...All my stupid phobias eliminate most jobs I could potentially get. I'm such a stupid invalid. I should go die. People always tell me...I'm pretty I'm special I'm unique...I'M NOT! I wish I were...I wish I could be what they want me to be...I wish I could be a well adjusted girl...I wish I came from a normal family...I wish I didn't have to worry about whether or not I can even live here anymore...Or whether my death would be a blessing in disguise because it would bring about more money. I wish I didn't have to think that I'm always doing the wrong thing...That everyone would be better off without me...But I do. I can't help but think how much more everyone would smile and laugh and be happy if I just weren't around anymore. And then I wonder...Why was I born? Was I just the undesirable product of a night of passion? Am I someone's punishment? Am I just completely alone in the world? It doesn't matter. I don't know...I don't understand...I just want to stop being so sad. I hope Audrey can come over...She's had a shit day too...Maybe if we're together shit+shit=Happy? 8 days no cutting...Sorry, but I gotta wreck that.
Oct 27, 2006 at 00:27 o\clock
I don't understand. Anything. I don't understand why a guy whom I was certain thought of as merely an aquaintance thinks of me as an object of desire...I don't understand why my cat won't come inside...I don't understand why it seriously feels like I'm dying. I don't understand anything. Please help. I don't understand why I don't feel better even after I smoked...Why I feel fatter even though my clothes tell me I'm losing weight...I don't understand why I keep fainting or just anything. And on top of everything else...My mother is a frickin' idiot. She goes and makes sure she's pretty much fired from her main job, then she quits her other job...All the while thinking she can get some better job. Doesn't she understand how this world works? If you don't know how to do anything..You can't do anything. She has no tolerence for people, can't type, doesn't understand business, isn't particularly pretty, and she doesn't even have anything to fall back on when times get harsh. Is that what a midlife crisis looks like? Throwing everything away because you don't want to do it anymore. I keep hoping that maybe things will get better...Maybe John will stop being a psychopath, maybe Mom will understand that she has to work for a living, maybe I'll stop being the source of everyone's fucking problems and maybe my sister will stop pointing it out. Everyon e tells me how irresponsable I am for not having a job...What sort of job could I get? I'm as useless as my mother. And I don't even have a highschool degree! Besides that...All my stupid phobias eliminate most jobs I could potentially get. I'm such a stupid invalid. I should go die. People always tell me...I'm pretty I'm special I'm unique...I'M NOT! I wish I were...I wish I could be what they want me to be...I wish I could be a well adjusted girl...I wish I came from a normal family...I wish I didn't have to worry about whether or not I can even live here anymore...Or whether my death would be a blessing in disguise because it would bring about more money. I wish I didn't have to think that I'm always doing the wrong thing...That everyone would be better off without me...But I do. I can't help but think how much more everyone would smile and laugh and
Oct 26, 2006 at 05:16 o\clock
Oct 25, 2006 at 04:52 o\clock
Oct 24, 2006 at 06:18 o\clock
Oct 23, 2006 at 02:37 o\clock
Oct 22, 2006 at 02:37 o\clock
I saw one of my childhood friends at the store today...She got knocked up and had a little baby boy. He was the most adorable thing and had the most gorgeous green eyes...I mean, wow. And just the way he smiled at me when I talked to him, completely melted my heart. Seeing her with him though...It just put me a little more at ease. If I am pregnant, I'd be right about the same age she was when she got pregnant. I mean, she seems to be able to handle it okay and she's even on her own and she had to drop out of highschool too. She didn't even have a boyfriend when she got pregnant. So, maybe I'd be okay...I wouldn't expect Ken to stick around through it...But, he'd probably be there through part of it. Although, I'm more and more convinced that I'm not at all. You know why? Because I'm sick. My stomache's been hurting me insanely and I've been throwing up a lot...Therefore anything that happens to me is purely hypocondriatic. So ha! I'm not pregnant! I dunno...I'm having a shit day and I'm trying to find something...Anything...To keep me from going back into that nreally depressed state of the other day... That's probably what's bugging my stomache anyways. That or the new vitamins Mom's got me on. And Ryan kind of put me in a downer mood...She told me that I was the worst case of depression she's ever encountered and that my self esteeme is worse than hers. I don't think my depression is that bad...Or that my self esteeme is that bad either...I'm realistic about my looks and who I am...I know I'm a bad person for all the shit I do, and that I'm even worse in appearances. Today just hasn't been a good day.
Oct 21, 2006 at 05:41 o\clock
I just don't even know what's going on. Ken and I are back together, I don't know if I told you that already. I'm really really happy about that...Although defenintly a bit skiddish about it. Audrey just keeps making me so paranoid...She keeps telling me how we'll probably last two years and that he is definently not a good match for me and how she was proud I broke up with him but she wasn't proud that I got back with him. If he and I are going to break up...It can't be in two years...I'll be turning 18...Absolutely everything will be turned inside out and upside down and I don't want to have to deal with mending a broken heart in the process. If he and I are going to break up...He should do it when I'm 17 then I'll be sad my Senior year...But I'll be slightly better once I'm an adult. I swear, sometimes that girl makes me want to just slit my wrists and die because it seems so hopeless.
Although, I got a sign from God today. I was going to get some pot...But the guys bolted. That sucked...But, I guess it means I shouldn't be doing drugs...Especially if I might be pregnant...Which makes me feel like shit for taking a few puffs of that cigarette...I probably just damned my baby that may or may not exist to retardation. However, I take that to mean that I should not be doing drugs and that I'm a bad and stupid person.
And I having nothing to do this weekend which sucks. I'm going to bored and alone. I hate being alone. Audrey is gone, my schoolmates are only at school friends and my boyfriend works. Boo. I should make new friends...Although, I have been making friends at school. Which I'm really really happy about. I'm not so lonely at school anymore...I mean, I still want a deeper connection with someone(anyone) but I'll settle for what I have.
Oct 19, 2006 at 17:02 o\clock
I broke up with Ken last night. I really didn't want to...But...It's obviously not working. We got into this stupid fight about the potential pregnancy...And one thing led to another and he got mad and I got mad...And you know what? I was just running away. Again. Running away from everything that ever has the potential to make me happy. I've just been feeling a lot more for him...More than I should. More than what I've allotted. It's scary...I'd just be taken over by the sudden realization that I hadn't seen him in X days and how much I miss him. Or I'd be thinking about absolutely nothing and then he'd pop into my head and I realize how much I loved him and cared about him. Not that I didn't do that before mind you...It's just more often...And more intense. I recognize that road...And it's a long fall to the bottom. I can't drag him down with me... He deserves better than that. Besides, he's always telling me how he's always getting all these offers from the girls at his work...I'm sure he'll find someone better there. I know it's for the best...But it hurts like a mother. I'm resisting right now calling him and begging for him to take me back. It was really bad last night though...He told me that he wants to help me and that he wants to help us but he can't unless I open up and be 100% with him...I guess that's when it really hit me how much I hurt him. He couldn't have been happy with me...If he had been, he wouldn't feel the need to help me.
I also stayed home today. There was no way in Hell I could face all the people at school. I was up most the night crying. I shouldn't cry...He'll be happier now and he'll probably go off and have the type of life he deserves. It just kind of sucks because now I'm not at all happy. And I've decided I'm fucked over for the rest of my dating career. Now that there is no way around me not being a virgin...Guys will want me for only that...If for anything. Not that it matters anyways... Who needs love or dating or any of that shit? I only end up hurting everyone I care about. Like Ken. At least, I think I hurt him....I'm not entirely sure. He didn't seem at all upset about it over the phone...Maybe he wasn't. He probably wasn't...This had probably been on his mind for a while...The only reason why he probably was still with me because of the slight possibility that I might be pregnant. Well, he doesn't have to worry about that now...Does he? I probably killed the baby last night with all my fucking medication anyways...Great. Now I'm an unsucessful emo, a whore, and a murderer.
Why didn't I die? I don't know if I'm going to try again...If I do...Maybe I should just slit my throat. I wish I hadn't broken up with him...I really love him...I'm really in love with him...But I can't let him know that. He's probably already over me.
Oct 19, 2006 at 01:10 o\clock
I don't even know why I'm in such a depressed state. I was doing great earlier...My friend, Mykael, really helped me sort out some of my eating disorder stuff. She made it clear to me that she thought I was pretty and thin the way I am. I don't know...She just made me feel like...Maybe I was human. I know it sounds weird...But I've never been able to believe I'm made of quite the same stuff everyone else is...It's like they're all great, wonderful people and I'm...Me. A stupid, egocentric, selfish, bitch who can't even get off her own stupid ass to help one of the only people in the world she considers close. Although, to be honest, I'm not even sure if my best friend and I are that close anymore. I can't really talk to her anymore...I can't call her up in tears and tell her I want to jump off a cliff and die...I can't tell her about mom and John fighting...Or Cassie being a bitch. I know she wants me to...I know she expects me to...But I can't. Every time I see her or talk to her...The words just don't come. It's like that with everyone. It's not really that I don't want to reach out...I just...Can't. It's like there's a wall between me and them...And I can see and hear them...But I can't touch them. If I did, I'd give them my deadly disease. Whatever the Hell I have. I don't know...I just want out of my head. I want out of my LIFE. It's not that I want to die...I just don't want to live. I don't want to deal with the aches and pains...And I know that's what makes living so unique. In death, you don't get that. You can't truely appreciate happiness until you've hurt long and hard...But even so...I'm sick of hurting so badly. I haven't cut all week...But Ican't not do it anymore. I'm scared that I might hurt myself badly...But that's a chance I'm willing to take at this point. I don't care if I hurt...As long as this is the last time.
Oct 17, 2006 at 03:27 o\clock
I'm so mad right now. Why do people make promises they don't keep? Am I like some sub-person who doesn't deserve promises to be kept? Or do people just think so little of their word that they break it on whim? I'm acting like a snotty rich kid...But I'm just frusterated. I wanted a stupid tape recorder to help me learn my drama lines and memorize postulates and theroms for geometry...And I know money has been tight...So I asked for one for my birthday. Didn't get it. I asked later if mom wouldn't mind getting me one for school...She said okay. And I've been reminding her DAILY for the past three weeks about it and she's always said...Okay, okay, okay. She promised she'd have it for me in time. And then today she was just like Nope, can't do it. I understand that she doesn't have the money...That's okay. But I don't understand why she wouldn't give me some frickin' notice so I wouldn't have to get down to the wire.
guess I'm frizzled about the whole possiable pregancy I've been worrying nonstop about it...And I know that I can't be a mommy...And I don't know if I could grow up before the little fetus thing developed into a baby and shoved it's way into this world. And I really don't know if I could handle something being the center of my universe, whether I was mad at it or not and having it ALWAYS there with no relief. On top of that, I'd have to split with Ken...And I'd never be able to get another boyfriend again...Guys don't want girls who got knocked up and have responsibilities. But my worse fear of all...It's being pregnant, getting really pregnant, and then having a miscarriage. What do you do after that? How does one just go back to the life they had to abandon in order to have the baby that didn't get a chance to live? I was thinking maybe I should just kill myself...That wouldn't be an abortion persay...And I wouldn't be a mom, and no one would be hurt that I was so irresponsiable as to get knocked up and such a fucking whore to actually have sex. But I don't know if I can do that...I mean, if I am pregnant...Is it fair to die without letting the baby have a chance to live just because I'm too much of a wuss to stick it out? I know it's not. But I'm holding my breathe until my period comes...And if it doesn't...I don't know what I'll do. I don't know what I can do. I couldn't live with myself if I had an abortion...And I know that's what I should do. It's the sensiable thing. It's what most girls my age do. I'm so scared...And so depressed...I just don't know if I even care to stick it out to find out if I am pregnant.
Oct 16, 2006 at 03:47 o\clock
Oct 15, 2006 at 18:41 o\clock
But that wasn't even the big thing that happened. Okay...So after Ken and I left the dance...We went to soem place and started to fool around a little...One thing led to another...Long story short...The condom fell completely off. Now there's a pregnancy scare. I really hope it's just paranoia. If I am...I know what I have to do. First off...I'd probably have to leave home and school...Just by default. Mom would kick me out and Dad wouldn't have me...And I'd have to dump Ken...Not because I don't love him or anything...But a baby would ruin one life...I don't want it to ruin someone else's too. I couldn't get an abortion...It's not like I'm against it or anything...But I just couldn't. Just the idea of killing something that trusts me with it's entire being...That's growing inside of me...I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I know I'm probably being just stupid...I'm probably not pregnant...I just can't help but wonder...What if I am? What will I do? I'm really scared...I know I shouldn't be a mom. I shouldn't have kids. I love kids...But I shouldn't have them. I'd fuck them up really badly. If I do have a baby...It's my mistake. I have a million choices...I could get an abortion, give it up for adoption, or I could keep it. I'd be stupid and keep it...Therefore it's my fault.
Oct 14, 2006 at 20:58 o\clock
Oct 4, 2006 at 04:44 o\clock
Oct 3, 2006 at 04:55 o\clock
it's ironic. Today was a day for Jewish people to cleanse themselves of their sins...To fast and be sure that they're clean. And I go and deck someone. She wouldn't back off and I had such a crap day. Seriously...I was desperate enough to willingly go to councler and consider going to my resource teacher...The councler was out to lunch though...So I just sat alone and cried for a little while. I know, I'm just some stupid emo girl...I hate myself for it. I just can't seem to handle this anymore...This life...It's too much. I'm not smart, I'm not pretty, I'm not what they want me to be and I'm not okay. I make too many mistakes...People can make mistakes...But I'm not supossed to. I'm supossed to be perfect...I've ALWAYS been the good child. I've always been the sweet girl, the one who did what she was told and din't question why...And look where I am now. I'm a super bitch who goes and smashes everyone's expectations of me. I feel like such a failure lately...I can't do anything right. I just wish...I wish I was what they wanted. I know that's a bad wish...That people should accept me for who I am...But the truth is...They don't. I need to be what they want...Otherwise I'm not good enough.
Oh, I cleared things up with Ken. Sort of. It turns out he's not homeless right now after all...Which is good. He was being really sweet today...But I shut him down every time he tried to be cute and romantic. He tried to tell me how much he loved me...But...There are just some days where all I hear coming out of anyone's mouth is 'bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, now smile and be happy because I'm tired of your stupid moods.' Logically, I know he meant what he said...I know he really loves me...I'm just stuck in one of those dark, unhappy places.
There is a bright side though...I'm losing weight. Yay! It's through the old, stupid ways...I've figured out a way to throw up and stay in school(aren't I a woman of the world?) I just have to take my pills AFTER I go ahead and do the deed...And I feel okay. As much as I hate to admit it...THe drugs are helping a little bit. I mean...They make me really happy one minute...And the next I'm fighting the urge to take a paper clip to my wrist and contort it into the most painful device my warped little mind can create...But at least I have those happy spots...Right? That's a plus...But sometimes I rather wish I didn't have any happy spots to look back on...Because then I wouldn't miss it so much.