I cry through my skin.

Sep 30, 2006 at 21:09 o\clock

Alone

 What am I doing? Seriously. I don't know why I'm doing the stuff I'm doing anymore...I ignore my schoolwork, avoid being with people...I don't really want to do anything anymore. I went out to a party last night...It wasn't a serious one or anything...THere wasn't any drinking or drugs or anything(there was supossed to be, but no one brought anything) but it just probably wasn't a good idea...It was just Audrey, me, and a bunch of guys I didn't know...We all sat around in the park playing instruments, lighting fires, and just chilling out not really doing anything. It wasn't like I did anything...I'm just not so sure it was a good idea. I don't think half the things I do anymore are good ideas. So why do I do them? I'm trying to have fun...But I'm trying to grow up at the same time...I can't do both. I can either have fun or I can grow up...Nethier make me happy though. I'm just trying to figure out what I need to do so I can belong somewhere...But I really don't. I don't belong anywhere...Am I just that type of girl? The one who's always doomed to be outcasted for one or another reason? It's not even that I'm outcasted persay...It's just like...I'm in a room full of people...But I might as well be all by myself.
 I'm just feeling really down. Maybe I'm getting ready for that special time of the month...I don't know. I just don't really want to do anything or be with anyone right now...I just want to read a book and be lost for hours.

Sep 28, 2006 at 03:52 o\clock

Mistake

 Jesus. No one wants me. No one has EVER wanted me. Dad told me just last night what a mistake I was and how he'd still be ignoring me if he hadn't wanted to spite the girl who broke up with him. I guess I'm just that great of a person. No one wants me...No one ever has. So why the Hell am I here? Why couldn't you just sned me away to be adopted so that someone who actually did want me could have me? You know...I'd be doing everyone a huge favor if I killed myself. I'm nothing important...I'm just another pimple on the face of the earth. The sooner acne is cleared up...The sooner Earth can be beautiful again. Just yesterday I was so excited about Homecoming...I couldn't wait to go. I even found the most beautiful dress...But...I don't even know if I care to be alive that long now. I don't see the point...No one wants me and I'm just a waste of everything. I don't even know why I'm sitting here discussing this...I know I'm not worth the internet space I take up with these meaningless words of a stupid girl who's going to die forgotten and the way things are looking...She's going to die forgotten very soon.

Sep 24, 2006 at 04:17 o\clock

Blah...Cancer.

 Today was odd. I woke up...Wanted to cut so badly...But I didn't. I don't really know why...Ken and I are no longer doing that if you quit I'll quit thing. He picked up smoking again so I'm free to throw up and cut myself as much as I want. He has no clue how much him smoking pisses me off..Well, not even just that...I mean, I've lost so many people in my life to cancer...He already has it! Why does he have to go and do THE ONE FUCKING THING I explicity ask him not to...He can do just about anything else he wants to...Move off to New York, flirt with other girls, do stupid drugs, disappear for days on end, drink...Whatever! I don't care...Well, I do...But still...Smoking is the one thing I don't want anyone I care about to do. It's the one thing I've learned WILL kill you. Not just can. Everyone I've ever known pretty much has died of cancer...Emily died of cancer...And she didn't even ever touch a cigarette! She was one of the sweetest, happiest girls ever...She could have made the world such a better place...But she died. Everyone dies on me...I'm so sick of it. I hate it. I hate everyone leaving. I've said it once and I'll say it again...everyone I love leaves me. I don't even know why I'm scared of him dying...Or why I hate him smoking so much...But, it doesn't matter. Smoking is obviously a part of who he is...Like cutting and bulimia are parts of who I am. He's not willing to give up that part of him...And I'm not willing to give up that part of me...So I should just move on and forget it right? Right. Oh, I got off subject...I was talking about today. Yeah...Today was Autumn Equonox..Yay, Wiccan holiday and I didn't get some of the stuff I wanted for my ritual. So I went down to the creek...And I fell on a rock and cracked my leg...Which hurt. Really bad. And then I threw up...Not on purpose, but still did it. Then I went to ER and they X-rayed me...And tried to give me medication that I'm allergic to and medication that will cause me heart failure and stomache bleeding(kaiser loves me) I'm not even sure why they wanted to give me the medication I'm allergic to...I didn't have an infection to my knowledge. But my leg PROBABLY isn't broken...They're not entirely sure.

Sep 21, 2006 at 21:54 o\clock

Eck...Ex.

 I'm over her...I know that much for sure. I don't love her...I'm not in love with her...I don't even particularly like her(although I wouldn't want her bludgened to death so I guess I don't particularly dislike her either?) so why does it still hurt me every time we talk? Why do tears still fill my eyes and why do I want to go get hit by a semi just because that seems like it'd feel better? Skye emailed me today. She's got a new girlfriend...I'm really happy for her...I still wish her all the happiness in the world...So what the Hell am I feeling? I have a boyfriend...One that I love, that I'm in love with and one that I know really cares about me...I don't even want Skye back...I don't want her in my life...I don't even want to TALK to her! I can't say what I'm feeling...Because I don't know. Maybe I'm jealous? Not of the new girlfriend...No. That Skye might get that really deept love connection with someone else. That makes it sound like I miss her...I really don't. I miss what we had...If that makes sense. What we had was...Secure. It was absolutely sure. I was passionatly in love with her, she was pasisonatly in love with me...We wanted eachother more than anything else in the world and it was forever. That's the only thing I miss. It's not even that I want that with Ken...It wouldn't be right for his and my relationship...At least, not right now. Forever isn't something he seems to want...And things are just to hectic to be certain about it. That's okay though...I'm actually pretty happy with whatever he and I do have.

Sep 21, 2006 at 05:40 o\clock

Glass Girl

 Why do people treat me like I'm a child? Why do they treat me as though I'm going to break at the slightest provoke? Dad was having some problems last night...So he started talking to me and then he told me that I'm a hypertensive girl who takes her stress out with razor blades and that I'm too emotionally disturbed to be talking to. You have no clue how much that pissed me off. I'M EMO! GET OVER IT! I'm not going to break into a million pieces and try to kill myself if you have a bad day, I'm not going to spontaniously combust if you're cross with someone and need a little breathing room. I'm not made of glass! And you know...No one ever believes me when I say I'm alright with something. They always think I'm secretly tearing my heart up because of it. I'm not! I'm sensitive...But not THAT sensitive. I just hate people treating me like I'm some fragile little trinket that needs to be protected and wrapped in foam...Only taken out on very special occasions and when said occasion arises must be taken out with the greatest of care. I'm a teenager...I need to hurt, I need to make mistakes, I need people to let me do what I think is right!!! I need to BREATHE.

Sep 19, 2006 at 05:15 o\clock

Sharp Contrast To Yesterday

 Something has got to be wrong with me. There is no way in Hell this is normal. What type of a reenage girl says she's getting better one day and then wants to hang herself the next? Life right now is just...Not worth it. I want to go somewhere far, far away...And leave this all behind. I don't want to deal with family, I don't want to deal with school, I don't want to deal with me, I just don't want anything. I know I'm a stupid, whiny brat...I know there isn't anything wrong with my life and that I have it so great compared to most other kids...So why do I feel the way I do? Why am I just staring at the horizon, wondering how far I could run before they caught me. I know I can't run away, I'd be caught. Not because I was careless, I'd want to be. After a few weeks of no shower, no warmth, no food, and no true companionship...I'd be so tired of life I'd probably turn myself in. It's hard to explain what's going on inside of me...It's like there's a giant black spot at the bottom of my heart. It shrinks and grows and I have no controle over it...The bigger it is...The more hopeless things seem and the more my entire being aches for...I'm not sure for what...For something. I really want to cut...I could probably stab myself and it'd feel better than what I'm feeling now. I'm not sure what triggered this...It might have been the card from Skye. Why does she always show up in my life? WHY? Every time I think I'm okay...SHE shows up...And everything goes to Hell again. I'm just so fucking tired of everything...I'm just about ready to blow out my brains and no one cares! No one even looks at me...It's as though I'm too ugly...Or I have some terriable disease that you catch if we breathe the same air. No one talks to me...No one sees me...I might as well not exist to anyone. And I'm tired of it. I want to be real! I'm not a wall orniment...I'm not here for your convience...I'm here...I'm real...And so is this pain. I don't make this up for the attention...I just want it all to go away. But it won't. I'm stuck living this life...Until I decide otherwise.

Sep 17, 2006 at 18:52 o\clock

Round 2

 Alright...I haven't been completely honest with you guys. Well, it's not as though I've been lying or anything..I just kind of omitted a particular detail. Ken and I gave up the you don't smoke and I don't cut thing. I pissed him off by burning instead of cutting. So, now we're going to try again...Only...This time I give up all my destructive habits and he gives up all his. I guess I'm feeling better...Other than feeling like an obese failure. I'm not feeling so depressed today...But I've been crying a lot more lately and I don't understand why. Oh, well, I'm feeling a little better all around...That is...I don't feel so much like there's hope...But it's not really as though there's nothing but darkness for the rest of eternity. I'm just kind of here now...A little sad still...Still that almost empty feeling in the pit of my heart...But it's not really consuming my entire being right now.

Sep 16, 2006 at 20:44 o\clock

Party

 I had my sweet sixteen party yesterday...I know I'm an ungreatful brat but I wish I hadn't. It was by far one of the worst I've ever had. I don't know what's wrong with me...But all those p[eople and all that energy at once...It was all so overwhelming and I just wanted to hide and cuddle with my new puppy. His name is Pyro(of course I named it) he's a sweet little chiuahua terrier mix...He came from an abusive past though so he's a bit scittish...But still...He's such a sweetie and I love him. He just about gave me a heartattack yesterday though...I was walking with Ken to the busstop and he wiggled free of his collar and ran RIGHT INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC. Me being as special as I am..I ran right after him without stopping to look. Ken ran after us and ending up catching him as I struggled with boarderline heart failure. The actual party though...It was odd...Everyone seemed to have fun...That was good.I guess I was the only one that was being stupid and emo. Audrey and I got into a fight though...I just didn't want to be touched...I was being antisocial and she kept holding onto me...And I love her to bits and pieces...She's myh best friend...I just wasn't in the modd to be touched or restricted so I snapped at her and I really hurt her feelings which I felt bad for...And then SHE apologized this morning...Which was so backwards! I should have been apologizing! Which I did, of course, after she did...But I still did it. And Skye gave me a birthday card. This is the first time sicne getting over her that I've actually thought about her...I kind of miss her. Not because I still love her or anything...I just kinda miss what she and I had. I know I'm stupid...But I'm smart enough to know that the type of deep love we had doesn't come along very often. I wouldn't want it back...At least I wouldn't want HER back...I just want that feeling of knowing beyond a doubt that they're the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and I want to see every day of my life and know that no matter how much time I spend with them it won't quite be enough. I know I should be content with what I have...Ken's an amazing guy...And I know he really cares for me...And I really love him a lot. And I AM happy with it...It's just one of those things that once you had it...You miss it.

Sep 15, 2006 at 03:44 o\clock

Miss Sixteen

 I'm finally sixteen. I never thought I'd make it here...I always thought I'd be dead. I've tried so many times to be dead..And it never worked. And now I'm sixteen.
 It's been an interesting day. At school my friends and I danced in a circle in happy delirium...People stared at us but we didn't care. We said that they were jealous because we were having fun and we were happy and they were only standing around doing nothing and being miserable. When I came home...My day fell apart. I wished I'd stayed at school. First off, I didn't get to see my boyfriend...Which I really wanted to...Not just because it's my birthday...I just like spending time with him and I hate being alone on my birthday. I also couldn't see my best friend...She got in trouble and wasn't allowed to come over. I wasn't allowed to see her at all...And that was just so saddening. I really wanted to be with her today...I mean, she's a lot of fun...I love her to bits and pieces. And then mom promised I could go to the pound to get my puppy...And then went back on her promise. And my cake exploded. I know those are all little things...But they made me so sad. I'm not going to school tomorrow...So I guess that's good. And I can go pick out my puppy tomorrow. So that's happy too.

Sep 14, 2006 at 01:02 o\clock

Mundane

Mood: Sad, lonely

 I had a pretty good day at school...A few of my friends are coming to my birthday party on Friday. I can't believe I'm going to be sixteen tomorrow...I don't feel sixteen at all. I feel maybe five. The meds aren't working...And they're hurting my stomache. At least, I assume it's the meds. The other day someone was telling me that I wouldn't be able to tell if the meds were working...I wouldn't feel happy, or even necessarily better, I'd just feel less. I don't feel less at all...I feel like the same stupid girl I've been for a long time now.
 My friend died yesterday. That wasn't happy. I mean, I knew she was going to...And it was for the better...I just hate death...And I hate losing people. I know this is going to sound stupid...But when someone's dead...They're gone. You never get to see them again. I think that's why people cry when someone they love dies...It's because they're gone and they start to miss them.
  I guess I'm just stuck in my ordinary everyday. Stupid, depressed, me.

Sep 12, 2006 at 05:27 o\clock

Fly Away

 You know, I had a really great day at school...And then I came home and everything falls apart.
 Mom and Cassie had a huge blowup and I got to listen to all it.
 Therapy sucked and made me want to cry.
 And now Ken is moving away.
 His mom called him and asked him to move out to New York with her and she'll pay for his schooling and everything. I know it's for the best...It's what he needs to get his life back on track. It just kind of sucks for me. Especially since I refuse to do the whole long distance thing again...He's both gunho about it and reluctant at the same time. He's going to do it...No doubt in my mind...I don't know why he's even bother making it seem like he's not going to. I want to cry about it...But...I can't. I want him to go...I want him to have a good life and go back to school and do whatever he chooses with the rest of his time...At the same time I don't. I'm stupid and selfish for it...Especially since there's a one in 100 billion chance that he's the one for me. But I really care for him a lot...I'm really in love with him. I guess I was right when I thought I shouldn't get close to him(or anyone) I know everyone is telling me to trust but trusting is really stupid. Every time I trust something happens. Not even just with him, with everyone. I trust therapy people and they tell my mom, I trust teachers and they put me in the hospital, I trust my parents and they punish me, I trust my friends and they tell everyone. I just can't trust. I can't get close either. Close enough to love, close enough to break into a million pieces. Not just romantic love either. I just need time to get used to it. He needs this...And if it's going to make things better...I'll embrace it with a unwavering smile.

Sep 9, 2006 at 21:07 o\clock

Impossiable promise

 What the heck was I thinking? I promised Ken I wouldn't cut if he quit smoking. I can't quit cutting!!!! I need it! I don't want to quit cutting...It doesn't make sense to anyone...I know it doesn't help...But it makes me feel better. It takes my mind off of whatever is hurting me or pissing me off for a brief second and I can push it to the back of my mind. I can't do that without it.
 Yesterday's school meeting went terriably. I sat in a room full of adults who were convinced I was crazy for an entire hour as they stared at me and went over how crazy I was. They showed my answers to some questions to my parents!!!!! I wouldn't have answered honestly if I knew they were going to do that!!!!!!! They think my self esteeme is low. THey're stupid. My self esteeme is perfect. I know exactly what I am, but no one else will admit it. Why can't they just be honest? Why can't they tell me I'm fat and I eat too much and I'm stupid and people don't like me? It's not going to hurt me. I already know it, things I already know don't hurt me. I think I'm having a mild anxiety attack. I can't breathe so well right now. I can't believe I promised I'd stop cutting...I can't believe my parents know how emo I am...I can't believe any of this! Tell me I'm dreaming...I can't do this. I can't handle it. I just can't. I can't do all of this at once...I can't go back to school, be happy, make friends, and stop cutting all at once. I'm going to frickin' explode.

Sep 7, 2006 at 22:34 o\clock

Love...Or Something..

 I don't understand myself. I have a great boyfriend...Who seems to be interested in me...And then I go into an all paranoid 'he loves me not' spaz attack. I know it's really early in the relationship...So I don't know why I keep wanting things to be so serious. I just want to know if he's it, if he loves me for real or if he just wants in my pants, or what. I can't know any of that though. I mean, we've only been dating for a little over a month now. In said month, we've had quite a few falling outs and have come close to breaking up a few times. I don't know if he CAN be it...It's not like I expect him to be...Or even think he is. He doesn't want anything I want...I want to be married and have kids and live in a nice house in somewhere far away where it snows and where Mr. Right and I can live happily ever after. He doesn't even think that's possiable. He doesn't want to be married, or have kids...Or so he says. A lot of the time he tells me 'no babies!' but then he'll tell me that it's fine if we have two kids as long as one is a boy. I don't know...I just don't want to get hurt again. It seems inevitable. He tells me not to have such a fatalistic view on the relationship because it makes it seem like I don't want to be in it...I do, I just don't want to have to deal with the hurt again. Last time I almost killed myself...And I still get upset whenever just her name comes up. I guess I'm scared of love. I want to know what's going to happen and when and with who. I mean, I love Ken...I'm in love with him...But...I want to know what's going to happen. I guess there's a reason we don't know though...If I knew, I'd plan around meeting Mr. Right and I wouldn't focus on what I have now and therefore I would alter my entire lifeplan because I wouldn't be living life I'd be waiting to live life....I think I just had an insightful moment. Damnit. I guess I need to just wait and see...I mean, worse case scenario...He's not the right one for me and I end up heartbroken. I've lived through it before...I can do it again...Right? Besides...It's a one in a million chance even meeting your one true love in highschool...Let alone dating him! I'm just going to let it flow...If it ends...It ends. I'm going to have to be okay with that.

Sep 6, 2006 at 23:13 o\clock

Fucking Retard...

Mood: Pissed, suicidal

 Guess what? I'm finally going back to school. But guess what else? I'm a fucking retard. I'm going to be in fucking resource. That is the ONE thing that I've never really questioned...I never thought I was stupid. I never thought that I couldn't do the same work as everyone else on my own like everyone else. I am a fucking idiot!!! I hate myself. I don't even deserve to fucking live. I should just go shoot myself now. I'd probably fuck that up too though because I'm so stupid I can't even get the most remedial of questions right! I'm a fucking idiot. Someone seriously needs to fucking kill me. I hate myself. No wonder people don't like me...I can't hold an intelligent conversation. No wonder I never have boyfriends...I'm too stupid for them. I take the stupid girl thing to a whole new level! I don't know WHY Ken's with me...I'm too stupid for him too. He'll probably dump my ass once he realizes my stupidity isn't just some cute act. Then I'll be alone and stupid. I'm just a fucking retard and I'm never going to get anywhere. It's not like I can even tell anyone...They'll all be so ashamed of me. I don't even know what Dad will think...Mom's reaction was bad enough. I don't know what my friend's will do...I have really smart friends...What will they think when they find out they befriend a fucking retard? I can't seem to get a break! God just wants me to go kill myself! Stupid people don't get anywhere in this world...Stupid people can't do anything big. Everything I ever wanted is now out of reach. Stupid people can't be novelists...They shouldn't be mother's...And they don't find their one true loves! Everything I wanted is GONE. It's for someone else to have and not me.

Sep 6, 2006 at 21:11 o\clock

Teen Waste

 I hate myself for being this. For being who I am. I am a waste of air, of space, of food, of everything. I'm not worth anything. I never thought I'd be here...Even when I was at the lowest points of my life, I never thought I'd be such a fuckup. I'm a frickin' highschool dropout! How could I let myself be this? How could I let myself slip into such an abyss and let people get so far under my skin that I left school? I just need to die. That's all there is to it. I'm nothing important...I don't make people happy, I don't DO anything, I just sit there and be fat and stupid and lazy. But you know what the sad thing is? I don't know what I could be doing instead. I'm just as bad as those bums who sit on the street corner and refuse to go get a job. ANd I hate myself for it. I'm going to go over the fucking edge!!!! I'm just a waste of space teen. I know the best thing to do for the world would be to kill myself...Things would be so much better without me...So why don't I? Why can't I? Why is it every time I pick up the razor to end my life I start to cry? I know those tears mean I'm not ready to die...But why not? What good is there to me being here? They keep telling me to just hold on because I'm going to get better...But I'm really not. I've tried to get better....And I keep trying...And every time I think I'm starting to make a little bit of progress...I fall right back down to where I was and sometimes even farther down. I'm tired of being shot down every time I try to get back up. I'm just tired of all this stupid, pointless depression. I want to be happy...Or even content...I don't want this to consume my life anymore...And I don't want to be a fuckup anymore...Problem is...Once you've become accustomed to being teen waste...Not too many people become something more.
 I guess maybe I should talk to my pill doctor about this. I have an appointment with him today...I still don't understand why he gave me a medication that was exactly the same as the one that I had before that didn't work. I guess I have to trust him though...Maybe he can help?

Sep 6, 2006 at 05:04 o\clock

Blah

Mood: Depressed, useless, lonely

 I guess if I take all emotion out of it, today has been a good day. I got to hang out with Ken for a couple of hours, Dad's home and I got to see him, and my pants that I bought two weeks ago that fit perfectly are now too big. However, emotion ruined it. I think Ken's getting bored with me...I'm not sure why I think that, it's just a sneaking suspicion. Dad's in a cranky mood and he and Lena are kind of on the rocks right now and I still feel like a huge lard-ass. Damn emotion. If I weren't so stupidly depressed I'd be very happy with my day. I cut a little today...It's not bad...I don't think it even broke the skin...I'm too much of a chicken to kill myself. I shouldn't be thinking like this...I should be happy...My birthday is next week...I'll finally be sixteen...I'm going to have a killer party...So why don't I feel like even going? Sixteen doesn't seem as exciting and wonderful as it used to...But I never thought I'd be where I am when I turned this age. I always thought I'd be something more...Something better. I thought I'd be perfect...Like I've always wanted. I thought I'd get along with my family, thought I'd be in school at the very least...I thought I'd be somewhere. But, instead I'm here. I'm a nobody...A nobody with an eating disorder and a habit of cutting. I'm worse than a nobody...I'm a fuckup. Where'd I go wrong? And more importantly...How can I fix it?

Sep 4, 2006 at 23:27 o\clock

Life as I know it

 AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Sorry, I've wanted to do that for a while now.
 Ken and I had a huge blowup.
 Audrey and I had a huge blowup.
 And now my birthday is rapidly approaching. Ken and my's fight was bad...It made me cry and I thought I was going to lose my boyfriend. It was actually because he thought I was lying to him about whether or not I still liked Thomas. I really don't...I found out how much a fake I had fallen for and realized I was falling for lines again. I'm just stupid like that. I really hate how much he and I fight...I guess I wasn't meant to be happy...I don't deserve it. Audrey and I fixed things really quickly and we're still best friends...FOr which I'm thankful for. I guess I'm just a stupid bitch when I'm on my period...Considering my cramps are deabilitating that might be why I'm just a little bit(sarcasm) more snippity and depressive than usual. I don't know what's up with my body anymore actually...It doesn't seem to want to work. My legs just decide to stop working for no reason...I keep getting these twitches that I can't seem to controle and yeah the whole dizzy spells thing has gotten worse. Not that any of this matters. I'm just really depressed today. Don't really know why.