Alone
I'm just feeling really down. Maybe I'm getting ready for that special time of the month...I don't know. I just don't really want to do anything or be with anyone right now...I just want to read a book and be lost for hours.
Alright...I haven't been completely honest with you guys. Well, it's not as though I've been lying or anything..I just kind of omitted a particular detail. Ken and I gave up the you don't smoke and I don't cut thing. I pissed him off by burning instead of cutting. So, now we're going to try again...Only...This time I give up all my destructive habits and he gives up all his. I guess I'm feeling better...Other than feeling like an obese failure. I'm not feeling so depressed today...But I've been crying a lot more lately and I don't understand why. Oh, well, I'm feeling a little better all around...That is...I don't feel so much like there's hope...But it's not really as though there's nothing but darkness for the rest of eternity. I'm just kind of here now...A little sad still...Still that almost empty feeling in the pit of my heart...But it's not really consuming my entire being right now.
I'm finally sixteen. I never thought I'd make it here...I always thought I'd be dead. I've tried so many times to be dead..And it never worked. And now I'm sixteen.
It's been an interesting day. At school my friends and I danced in a circle in happy delirium...People stared at us but we didn't care. We said that they were jealous because we were having fun and we were happy and they were only standing around doing nothing and being miserable. When I came home...My day fell apart. I wished I'd stayed at school. First off, I didn't get to see my boyfriend...Which I really wanted to...Not just because it's my birthday...I just like spending time with him and I hate being alone on my birthday. I also couldn't see my best friend...She got in trouble and wasn't allowed to come over. I wasn't allowed to see her at all...And that was just so saddening. I really wanted to be with her today...I mean, she's a lot of fun...I love her to bits and pieces. And then mom promised I could go to the pound to get my puppy...And then went back on her promise. And my cake exploded. I know those are all little things...But they made me so sad. I'm not going to school tomorrow...So I guess that's good. And I can go pick out my puppy tomorrow. So that's happy too.
Mood: Sad, lonely
Mood: Pissed, suicidal
Mood: Depressed, useless, lonely
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Sorry, I've wanted to do that for a while now.
Ken and I had a huge blowup.
Audrey and I had a huge blowup.
And now my birthday is rapidly approaching. Ken and my's fight was bad...It made me cry and I thought I was going to lose my boyfriend. It was actually because he thought I was lying to him about whether or not I still liked Thomas. I really don't...I found out how much a fake I had fallen for and realized I was falling for lines again. I'm just stupid like that. I really hate how much he and I fight...I guess I wasn't meant to be happy...I don't deserve it. Audrey and I fixed things really quickly and we're still best friends...FOr which I'm thankful for. I guess I'm just a stupid bitch when I'm on my period...Considering my cramps are deabilitating that might be why I'm just a little bit(sarcasm) more snippity and depressive than usual. I don't know what's up with my body anymore actually...It doesn't seem to want to work. My legs just decide to stop working for no reason...I keep getting these twitches that I can't seem to controle and yeah the whole dizzy spells thing has gotten worse. Not that any of this matters. I'm just really depressed today. Don't really know why.