I cry through my skin.

Mood: Borderline suicidal

 Why am I such a fuck up? Why can't I do anything right? Why is it even when I find the one thing I've wanted for so long...I have to go and screw it up by being stupid? Ken and I got into a pretty big fight last night...I don't know what about. I don't know why we fight so much...I hate it. I hate being stupid and weak and crying over a lover. It doesn't feel like anything is worth it...Not just love...Life in general. Am I ever going to get better? Are things ever going to get better? Everyone tells me all this is temporary...But they're lying! All the 'survivors of depression' I've talked to have gone through it for a year max...I've been going through this shit for nearly 6 now. That's the better half of a decade. Why aren't I getting better? Why aren't the fucking meds brainwashing me into a docile zombie like the rest of humanity? Why do I have to be this way? Why do I have to be a fat, fucked up, cutter? Why? What good comes from throwing up, not eating, and from turning myself into a cutting board? Nothing! I'm still fat...I'm still ugly...And I'm still trying to feel better. I hate being this way...I hate being so desolute. I just want to fast forward until I'm okay. Will I ever be okay? Am I going to be like this forever? Life just seems so...Bleak. It doesn't seem like there's any hope for it getting better...And I wish I could be like the optimistic little minions of society and tell myself that I'm going through a stage...That everyone goes through it...But I can't.

 I got half of my crazy testing today. That went alright...Although I think I'm quite literally retarted. They had an idenitify patterns portion of the test and a memory portion of the test...I was so bad at both of them. How could I be so stupid? I hate myself for being stupid. I never used to be. Oh well, I guess I'm not cut out to live in the real world. I guess I was always meant for the stupid padded world they put me in. The world where trying your hardest counts...Where yeah, you got the wrong answer, but you're crazy so we'll pretend you're right to help your self esteeme. I don't WANT that world! I don't want any world right now...I just want to drop over dead. It feels more and more like no one understands me...I mean like what Ken said the other night...He told me that I'd look better if I gained weight. I know he meant it to be sweet but he might as well have punched me in the eye. He doesn't get how hard I've worked to get here...And although everyone says I'm still losing weight...I feel more and more like I'm regressing back to the obese monstrosity I was just a few years ago. I don't know...Does this mean I'm getting worse? Or better? It doesn't matter...I try and I try to make things get better...But they always seem to blow up in my face. I'm so tired of it...I know I have some great things going for me...At least, I have my best friend and my boyfriend, but they can't always be there. They have their own lives and they need time on their own...Even if they didn't have their own lives, no one can put up with me for that long. I don't know...Everything is just looking hopeless and bleak right now and I'm begining to care less and less.

Mood: Sad, lonely, confused, anxious

 More anxiety about school. What happens when I finally go back? Am I going to have friends, am I going to fit in, will I be able to keep up the life that I've started to make for myself? I never seem to be able to be normal...I'm always different from the other kids. How? Why? Why can't I just be like every other teenage girl in the world? Or am I alreayd like every other teenage girl and I just think I'm different for whatever reason? But if I'm already the same as everyone else...Why is it that I feel so isolated when in a group of my peers? Maybe everyone feels this way...Maybe no one every feels like they fit in at all and they feel like everyone hates them because they're different. But if that's so then why are people appauled when I decide to share what goes on inside this warped little mind of mine? I don't know. I'm just being stupid and emo and depressive. Today is Ken and my's one month anniversary...We're going out to do something tonight(although he won't tell me what). I'm happy to be seeing him...He always makes me smile. I just hope I don't fuck up by being stupid and emo. Although...These sudden, intense, feelings of sadness and desolution might be due to the fact that I haven't been taking my pill lately...Blah, whatever. I don't care. I'll probably end up dead by my own hand before age 25.

 Alright, well that just settles it. I am losing 50 pounds if it kills me! Today I went back to school shopping, I swear it's a miricle they had any clothes that fit me...I'm so huge. I just sat in the dressing room crying for ten minutes. I can't stand my body! I can't stand the way I look! It's no wonder my school doesn't want to transfer me...They know I won't go back there and they don't want to subject anyone else to my atrocious appearance. I know I'm being illogical...I really don't care though. I will be 90 pounds...I don't care if that's one of those stupid anorexic weights. Lots of girls are 90 pounds...They never get called fat or ugly...They never get picked on. I want to be like them...They're perfect.  I'm tired of being second rate...I will be perfect. Nothing is going to stand in my way this time...I'll get what I want no matter what anyone else says or does.

Mood: Depressed, self injerous, lonely, uncertain

 You know...It really just hit me how much I've fucked everything up. I'm not going to highschool. I'm never going to get to go to prom...I know it's really stupid...But that's always been a far off dream of mine...I always wanted to go to my senior prom with a boyfriend/date whom I'm absolutely in love with and who loves me back and just be beautiful for one night and have fun. Now I'm not going to be able to. I know it's a stupid thing to be upset about...Lots of girls don't go to their proms...Lots of girls don't even get to go to Homecoming like I did. Its just....I've always wanted that. And now I can't have it.
 I don't know what's wrong with me lately...I don't hate life...Hate is an angry feeling...I just don't want it. I'm not angry, just sad...But it's more than sad...You know? I wish I knew where I was going with this...Everyone always tells me that as you get older you're going to get better...But that just doesn't seem true. I'm getting older and things aren't getting any better. Maybe it's the stupid medication they have me on...I don't know why they switched me...Or at least, I don't know why they switched me from Zoloft to Celexia. They are the same medication! It's just one is name brand and one isn't. DING DONG! Is anyone home? If Zoloft didn't work...And Celexia is practically the same...What makes you think Celexia is going to work in it's place? Honestly...The stupidity of the world shocks me sometimes(I include my own stupidity in that statement). I'm growing up fast...Unfortunatly...I'm not growing up well.

 I'm not okay....Shit. I know this feeling...It's back. It's back. I just feel so desolute. I saw Skye today...Well, she wasn't Skye...She was Justine. I could just feel her hate...She told me I looked good, but it was just a friendly lie because she obviously couldn't avoid me in the hall. Going to Junior year orientation...I hated it. I just stood on the sidelines and felt a million lightyears away. I couldn't talk to anyone there...It was like we weren't even the same species. I came home and wanted to cry...I didn't....I couldn't. My eyes wouldn't let me. I want to cut...I just keep staring at my wrists and daring myself to do it. They tell me it isn't the answer...That this is stupid...That I'll get through this...But I just don't see it! I don't see ever getting better, ever feeling better...I don't see anything ever being okay. I'm always going to be this stupid broken person. I just want to know what it's like to be normal...To be happy for real...And not have to fake. For a while I was almost okay...I wasn't as bad with my cutting and I wasn't thinking about killing myself...But now I am. And I don't know why. Logically I know, I have a lot going on for me right now. I have a great boyfriend, I'm going to get started in school again, I'm just about to turn 16...What's missing? Why aren't I happy? I have everything I ever wanted! I even have the love that I was so desperately searching for...And I feel better when I'm with him...At least I'm not really thinking about killing myself or cutting..What's missing? I just feel sad and not really alone...Just isolated. Like no one gets it...You know? I hate to play the role of the stupid misunderstood teenage girl...But I am the stupid misunderstood teenage girl. I hate myself for that...I should just go die now.

  Jesus. My Dad almost died. He got into a huge car accident in the Truck and he and Lena could have died. It was such a bad wreck...But they weren't hurt. It's a miricle. I'm so glad that he's okay...Why am I crying if he's okay? Why can't I speak or seem to breathe? They're okay...But it's like they're really hurt.
 Other than that I've just been really depressed...There is so much shit going on around me and with me that I can't focus on anything. The school thing..It's just breeding so much conflict and anger...No one fucking gets it! I will kill myself if I go back there...And it seems like that's what they want because they keep pushing me to go back there. I want to go to school...I really badly want to...But I can't go back there. I guess they just want me dead. Or at least that's what it feels like. Ken doesn't get it either...He thinks I'm being weak for not wanting to deal with those kids. It's not like I can't deal with most people...Just not those ones. Those ones have known me since I was a kid, since I was in gradeschool...They don't accept me as me. They think of me either as the fat kid from grade school or the chick who fucks chicks. That's not me! I just keep staring at my wrists...I see how clearly my veins are mapped against my translusant skin...How easy would it be to just take my razor and go deep into it. I know it's not a good idea, but it doesn't matter. It doesn't feel like there is any light within the darkness.
 And now I wish to ponder my boyfriend. I don't know it he's here for the long haul...He says he wants to be with me a long time...He talks about the future as though he really plans on it being real...About all the crazy things we'll do and the insane life we'll lead...He even talks about what things will be like when I start trusting him...Not if, but when. I know he puts up with a lot of shit from me...But I don't know how long...And I don't know if he really means it.I really want to talk to him about it...But I'm kind of scared he won't take it seriously...Or that I'll fumble my words and make it sound wrong so that it hurts his feelings or something. I just don't want to get hurt again...I mean, I really have strong feelings for him(I'm trying to avoid the L word...) and he could use them against me...I'm not sure if he will...He just has the power to and I hate anyone having that type of controle over me.

 I knew it. I fucking knew it! Doing anything beyond kissing...Heck, beyond hugging, makes me an insta-whore. Stupid myspace community thinks I'm a whore now...And they don't even know I slept with my boyfriend. Who the Hell opened their big mouth? I haven't told many people...Just two people who are my friends in real life(Audrey and Nicki) and a couple of internet friends. I should just go fucking kill myself! It wouldn't matter...Everyone thinks I'm just a stupid fat whore. Everyone at my old school thinks I'm already dead anyways. Not that it matters, I might as well be. No one gives a damn about me. What is the fucking point of living if all there is is people rubbing salt in your wounds. I hate my life so much right now...That feeling of absolute desolation and emptiness is back now...It'd gone away for a little while..But now it's back and trying to pull me ino it's suffocating depths.

Mood: Anxious, depressed

 I don't even know myself anymore. My whole relationship with Ken...It's so different than anything else I've had before. But, that might be because he's a guy. I'm going to spend the night with him tonight...Mom and John are out of town for their anniversary and he asked. I'm comfertable with him, I'm just not comfertable with me. I know that I'm supossed to be all cool with myself before I move into anything intimate...But, that's just not the way it's working. He says he loves me...I'm starting to believe he cares about me...I'm just kind of scared to let him know all the shit that went on in the past. I know that he needs to know why I am the way I am...Why I flinch when hands or voices are raised, or why I get freaked out when the topic of why I freak out about sex comes up...I confuse him. And I feel badly for it...But, I'm just scared to tell him...How can you tell someone that sort of stuff? Oh, yeah, by the way...I was hit a lot as a kid, my ex forced sex on me on a regular basis, and something happened when I was a baby that I really hate talking about but makes it so that I freak out whenever people start to touch me down there. Yeah. That'd just make him be totally and completely in love with me 'til time's end. In case you can't tell, I'm kind of worried about staying the night with him. Not the possiability of anything happening...I didn't tell you guys but that whole bit already happened and I was okay with it. I'm just....Kind of worried about sleeping with him, like actually sleeping. I know it's weird, but I get nervouse when it comes to having someone else with me while I'm asleep...That's when I'm most vulernable and they can do anything to me before I even know what's going on. Not that I expect him to do anything..It's just one of those old underlying fears. Two months ago...If you'd told me this was where I was going to be today...I would have laughed at you and told you you were insane...Now...I just wish I knew where I stand on things and what's going to happen next.

 Okay, first off...I hate Blogigo 2.0...This is the most annoying thing. It's just like livejournal...Which if I wanted, I'd go rant there. Now, with that out of the way...I guess I'll go on with my entry.

 The school year is rapidly approaching, which breeds a lot of old drama. Mom just doesn't get it...She thinks that because I got a break from the people that if I go back everything is okay. She even said she doesn't think I'm sad anymore, that all my sadness just came from not eating and that I threw my thyroid out of whack. It's not my fucking eating!!!! My eating is because of the people...They'd hate me less if I were thin...Or maybe they'd just notice me less so they wouldn't think to make my life a Hell. No ond really gets that...No one seems to get anything about me and cutting. I don't even get it. I hate that I'm falling back into that. I know it brings nothing good, that in the long run it will just make things wose...But, I don't care. I want to go back to school...I want to prove to everyone that I'm worth something and that I'm not just a dumb dyke who cuts herself and then goes away to die in a corner. But, I know that I can't. If I go back there...I will kill myself. I just can't deal with all those people who constantly hammer me with their insults and their contempt. They know exactly what kills me and how to use it...And I can't handle it. I can't and I won't...No one understands that I don't want to be abused all the time.

 Okay, first off...I hate Blogigo 2.0...This is the most annoying thing. It's just like livejournal...Which if I wanted, I'd go rant there. Now, with that out of the way...I guess I'll go on with my entry.

 The school year is rapidly approaching, which breeds a lot of old drama. Mom just doesn't get it...She thinks that because I got a break from the people that if I go back everything is okay. She even said she doesn't think I'm sad anymore, that all my sadness just came from not eating and that I threw my thyroid out of whack. It's not my fucking eating!!!! My eating is because of the people...They'd hate me less if I were thin...Or maybe they'd just notice me less so they wouldn't think to make my life a Hell. No ond really gets that...No one seems to get anything about me and cutting. I don't even get it. I hate that I'm falling back into that. I know it brings nothing good, that in the long run it will just make things wose...But, I don't care. I want to go back to school...I want to prove to everyone that I'm worth something and that I'm not just a dumb dyke who cuts herself and then goes away to die in a corner. But, I know that I can't. If I go back there...I will kill myself. I just can't deal with all those people who constantly hammer me with their insults and their contempt. They know exactly what kills me and how to use it...And I can't handle it. I can't and I won't...No one understands that I don't want to be abused all the time.

 I promised myself I'd never cry over a lover again...So what do I do? I g'head and cry over Ken. We got into a big spat last night and it was boarderline breaking up. I guess he's not used to dealing with people like me...Not too many folks are. He can't seem to understand that I don't think that people care about me...That's just a part of who I am and how I view the world.  Here we are just two weeks into this whole deal...And I'm already mucking up. I can't believe that people care about me though...If I believe that then I might let down my guard and let them in...And then once they get inside they usually destroy me. I don't want to go through that again. I know it's not fair to lump him in with the rest...But, I don't yet have a reason to believe that he's different. He feels different...But, don't they all? No two people are the same...So of course he's going to feel different. He and I are okay now...But I think he's a little wary now. I just hope this doesn't turn out to be a huge deal. Why would it be? It's kind of a fact of life...I mean...I care about people, but I don't think people care about me. That's who I am. Love me as I am, or not at all...Right?

Mood: Frusterated, scared, unsure

 How did I let this happen? How? How did I let myself get so close to some guy so quickly? How the Hell did I fall for all of his stupid lines that are just like everyone else's stupid lines I've heard a million times over? Someone please shoot me point blank through the head...I think I'm in love with him. But I can't be, I don't want to be, if I am then...I could get hurt again. He says he isn't going to hurt me, but I know he will. They all say they won't hurt me...Every single one. But, does it always end that way? Is that the way it always goes? People will always claim to love me and then hurt me and burst my heart into a million little pieces? He says I make him feel different...That he has a connection with me that he hasn't had with a girl in a long time...Should I believe him? I don't have reason not to...He's been honest with me thusfar...But he has cancer! I can't be in love with someone who has cancer...They all die on me. I can't have someone I'm in love with die...If I love them...That's different...But in love? I know it seems odd...But, it just kind of hit me all of the sudden...You know? It seems like I could spend forever with this guy...And it seems like things would always be the way they are now...Light hearted but serious. I can't be in love with him though...Not after what's already happened with my friend.

 Okay, so here's the deal with my friend. She talks to him quite a bit, she flirts with him quite a bit, she always tells me that it's a completely platonic thing...But, I'm not so sure. I mean, I love her to pieces but she always seems to want to be better than me...You know? I mean...I know she's better than me. I know she's thinner than me, she's prettier, she's more desireable to the opposite sex, she's more fun, she's more intelligent...She's better than me. I get that. But, her flirting with my boyfriend...That worries me. That bothers me. I know she flirts with EVERYONE but it's still really early in Ken and my's relationship...And I know she means well, I don't think she'd ever purposely do something that was found hurtful, but she's really making it harder for me to trust in my relationship with him. Not that I'm pinning my whole trust issue entirely on her...If I did that would be a lie and I don't see the point in lying to you people...No one reads this anyways. I mean, I get that part of the reason why I can't trust is my past...But, it just seems like it'd be easier to trust if I didn't have this gorgeous everything I'm not girl all over him while we're all talking. Even he's commented on it!  He even recognizes that she's all over him and always talking about how much they are alike and how she'd date him if he wasn't with me. She knows my history with guys...I don't get why she's doing this. I know her boyfriend just broke up with her, I get that...I'm sympathetic, empathetic even...I love her, I'm sad for her loss...But...For once I actually have a chance to be happy and I'm just worried that's going to go away because I'm not good enough for him when compared to her. He assures me otherwise, of course, but they all did.  I don't know...I just kind of want a break you know? I want to put life on pause and just scream at the top of my lungs and throw a fatty tantrum and then resume after I'd calmed down. But, I can't do that. I have to smile and pretend not to notice as my best friend shamelessly flirts with my boyfriend. I don't know if she's doibng it to reassure herself that she's better than me...Or if it's a subconcious need for superiority(God I hope she doesn't read this) or if she even really notices she's doing it...But Jebus Crist. I'm in love with a guy who has cancer, my best friend apparantly has a thing for him to, and here it was just yesterday I was wondering how he felt the date went. HA!

 You know what's a fun conversation to have with your newfound boyfriend? Cutting and suicide. I'm not really sure how it came up...Or out...But he started crying and telling me I can't do that to him. I tried to explain that if I do kill myself...It won't be because of him, and I won't be doing anything to him. He kind of flipped out on me then...Telling me that even if I didn't do it because of him, or over him or for him that I'd be doing it to him. I didn't have the heart to tell him I'm a cutter and I think about killing myself on a day to day basis.