I cry through my skin.

 Well, I didn't die. My computer has been being stupid so I haven't been able to write. I guess I'm doing pretty well...I'm still dating Ken(who turned out to be a much better boyfriend than I would have ever guessed)...But Aunt Nikki is getting worse for her cancer...Her blood cell count is already too low...And that's how this all started with Aunt Patty. I hate losing people...Especially people I care about. Speaking of cancer...Guess who has a boyfriend with a ton of it? I just found out the other day...He's known for a  while now. I know it doesn't bother him...I know he's living his life and he's having a blast doing it...But, now I have an even bigger reason to be afraid of falling for him...He could die on me. Once someone dies...There's no getting them back. He tells me not to worry, that he doesn't plan on dying...People don't plan on dying. They just do it. I really like him...Maybe even love him...Not in love, mind you, just love. But, I don't know how smart it is to let myself get really intimate with this guy. I guess that's always my problem though...I think too much about the ending instead of enjoying the story as it's being told.

 Ken asked me to be his girlfriend...And I said yes. I don't know how I feel about it. I mean...He's a great guy and everything...But...There's still Thomas...I don't know what to do about him. I still really like him a lot...Just...Argh. Well, right now, I guess I'm with Ken. I just hope this all doesn't backfire.

 Men. Are. Maddening. I went out with Ken last night, had a great time...I think I told you about this...But then I talked with Thomas...I figured I better find out if he's cool if Ken and I have a thing going on...For a while he was nonchalant about it and doing the whole no comment bit...Then I got kind of mad and blew up and said that  I still like him and I don't want to hurt him but if he didn't care then I wanted to find someone who does. Then he responded that he did care, but I should do whatever I want. You know...That's really the only thing I wanted to hear from him...I wanted him to tell me that he cares. But...If he wants me to do what I want, does that me he hardly cares? Or that he cares so much that he wants me to do whatever makes me happy? And I wish I knew who to go with...Audrey says I should go with Ken...He's textbook the better guy. I already know this...He's sweet, easy going, sensitive, insane, and genius. But he doesn't give me that feeling...The special one. What happens if I do choose? What if I choose the wrong one? I can't exactly go back and ask the other one to be mine...Thomas and Ken are close friends and they know about eachother. ARGHHHHH!!!!! I'm so confused.

 I'm supossed to go out with this guy tonight. His name is Ken, and he's 19. He and I hung out last night after one of my alters(Audrey tells me it was Danielle) dragged me up to see Thomas and Audrey's now boyfriend Aaron...Then this guy Ken showed up and we just started talking and he yelled at me....Then I yelled back because I'm stupid like that...But then something kind of clicked. I don't think I like him...Not like that at least, but I'm willing to give it a shot.  Geeze, I really am a Californian girl...Actually dating guys..Or I'm a whore. Whichever. He's calling me around 7 to tell me if he can get up here or not...And if he can't we're going to go out on Thursday. It's weird to think that I have an actual date...One that has no strings attachted...Just a date with a guy who apparantly likes me...Why is this concept so foreign to me? I'm not used to having someone like me before I like them. It's just...Wow.

 You know...This is why I hate liking someone. I always end up hurt. You know what else? I'm a horriable person. My best friend got a date with a guy who she's seen two times...And Thomas is being an asshole. I'm done with him anyways...He's acting like a twoface...He's nice to em when we're alone and a complete jackass when we're with his friends and I don't want to deal with someone who's going to do that to me. I'm done with him...I'm crying and I'm done with him. I really liked him, you know? He made me feel special...Kind of warm and happy and safe...But when we're with all his friends it's just kind of crappy and he really ignores me or when he does pay attention to me it's to bug the Hell out of me(throw things at me, poke me, say something semi mean) and I can't stand that! When we're alone he makes me feel like I'm the only person in the world...I don't expect that quite intense feeling when we're with people...But I don't expect to be ignored and treated badly. I'm being stupid...I know I am...But, I can't help it really. I'm just being stupid and emo and wanting to cut but setteling for burning.

Mood: Anxious, depressed, unloved

 You know...I've come to question...What is beautiful? What makes something...Or someone...Beautiful? Colors, shapes, and composition makes a place beautiful...But what makes a person beautiful? Thin isn't always beautiful...A nice face doesn't make one beautiful...Large breats with a big butt don't make you beautiful...What does? How is someone beaitful? I want to be more than anything else in the world...But would I even recognize beautiful if I saw it? I know my friends are beautiful...But with them...I'm not sure if they're beautiful because they are physically so. I don't know though...I look at them and all I see is the beautiful person I know and love. I can't thi nk of them as any other way. But people on the streets...I just don't see any beautiful ones out there. Do they exist? Did all the beautiful people jump off the face of the earth and leave only the ugly, the mediocre, and my friends behind? I can't become something if I don't understand it...But, beautiful has seemed to have lost it's meaning in today's day and age. If you're thin...you're automatically beautiful. If you have big boobs and a nice ass you're beautiful. If you have a nice face...You're beautiful. But are you really? Is that all it takes? But if that were so...Everyone would be beautiful. Everyone has something...They either have a nice face, a good butt, big boobs, or they're thin. So is everyone beautiful? But if that's so...Being bautiful has no meaning. If being beautiful has no meaining...Then I am trying to be something that isn't worth being and once I become it I will have to become something more. What is beautiful? Where is a picture of the epitimy of beautiful so that I can try to immitate it best I can. What is beautiful...And is it even worth chasing?

 I'm forced to wonder what people see in me...Why guys talk to me and try to flirt with me. What is it that draws one person to another? Or makes someone attractive in one circle and hideous in another? Today I have had two guys ask me on dates...I gave them both the brushoff. It's odd though...What could they see in me that makes them think that I'm worth a second glance? There are so many better girls out there...Just in the setting in which we met alone there were better girls. I don't know if I like the attention or hate it...It's different to be sure. It's odd and incomprehensiable to me that people should want to actually care to spend time with me...But, now, I have to wonder...Do I see myself incorrectly? Or are the guys just severely mentally challeneged? Or is a mixture of the two? I don't even really know what I am...Who I am...Or even really how I look...I know what I see in the mirror...Unfortunantly, mirrors lie.

 And now Skye has started email communications again. Damnit. You know, this happens every time I think things are starting to get better...Or every time I start to find someone new. What does destiny have planned for me?

Mood: Amused, sick(physically), empty

 Well, there we go...All mysteries about why the world is driving me insane lately are solved. Mercury is in retrogade...AND I have my period. What is it about my ruling planet going off my astrological charts and losing copious ammounts of blood so I can one day have babies that causes me to be such an unparraleled bitch? But, yeah, that's what caused me to decide the universe in conspiring against me. It's clear that Mercury had a little chat with my ovaries and told them to bleed when it went away so that life could suck. No, I really don't believe it...I just find it amusing. So, yeah, other than that...Today has been uneventful. I woke up, worked out, got online, and yeah...My day. I forgot to take my medication...Woops.

Mood: Depressed, pissed, emo, selfinnerous

 Well, yeah...I didn't die or anything. I've just been going thorugh my own shit and not wanting to share it with anyone.  My Aunt is going downhill...Yay, more cancerous family members. I hate my life still..More yay. But, I don't really care about anything anymore. And you know what? I don't care what people think about me. Nobody gives a rat's ass. They all see me however they want to. One of my friends hates me because I'm a liar and I treat her like shit(Don't talk to her...Going through my own shit...Can't deal with drama), someone is writing shit on myspace again(whatever...If they can't say it to me...They should go die.), my mum is just ignoring me as always...And I guess my best friend cares...But she's too far away during the week to be of any real comfort. So, yeah. People can just go away and leave me alone. There was a time when all this hate would have hurt me...But, now it really doesn't. Now I'm just dealing with the prospect of losing another family member, trying to stop cutting(Which is going well...I haven't in a while...But it's been replaced by something else.) going crazy with the whole 'eating disorder' crap...I don't have an eating disorder...I'm a fat ugly pig and I need to lose weight, and then of course that whole debate on whether I should live or die. You know, a lot of people wonder how I can deal with that debate...They say they never think about it...But, that's not true. You have to make ad ecision to live. You have to eat, drink, and then to actually live a life you have to put yourself out there and do something...And you decide to do all that. It's the same with dying...Although, aI'm not saying you can controle that completely...But, you have a degree of choice on whether or not you die. So, everyone deals with the debate...It's just most people don't think of dying as a choice. It's always a choice...A crappy one, a chicken-shit one, but a choice. And I'm just more and more tempted to take it.

 Now I'm going to talk about last night. It sucked. I went with Audrey to go see this guy I like(Thomas) and hang out with him and some of his friends. So, we went...And it was just weird. I was in a bad mood(finding out about my Aunt's new chance of death and babysitting for hours on end after about 2 hours of sleep don't make for a bright sunshiney Kat), and Thomas was too...So, yeah, that just wasn't fun. Although Audrey had fun, so that's good. And today is my isolation emo day...Which is going to soon be interupted because Audrey's going to come over and try to persaude me to go into the outside world. I'm rambeling. So what. This is my webblog...I'm going to be selfish again...That's what myspace says I am. Doesn't matter.

 I went out with Thomas again today...It was so much fun. It started out really lame...We were playing video games with his friends(yawn) after we were through with that though...We went for a walk and went to the park...Where things just seemed to fall into place. We had an intense conversation about...Well, pretty much everything.  Then I found out that he intends to ask me out...Just when the time is right. I don't know if that is a brush off in guy langauge but...I'm hopeful.

 My body is worrying me again...I'm not sure if I'm getting sick or what's going on. I keep fainting...Getting really dizzy, getting tunnel vision, and my limbs just give out randomly. Am I getting sick? Is my body destroying itself? I'm kind of scared...But, the bright side is...I won a free makeover. Yay free makeover.

 I went out with a guy last night...His name is Thomas, I don't know if I've mentioned him here before or not...But, yeah whatever. I had such a nice time with him...Just...Wow. Not even words to describe it. Other than I was really happy and now I have a stupid crush on him. I wish I'd stop doing that...They're called crushes for a reason. Although I also wish he'd call again like he said he would and come up here. But, yeah, I will NOT admitt to having feelings first...No way. If he likes me(and he damn well better since he kissed me) then he'll have to say it first. I just don't want to get hurt again.

 I'm starting to develop a fear of death. I wouldn't mind if this were all there is.....I mean, if we die and that's it and this is the only chance we get to live...But, I don't feel like I'm living. I haven't done anything right yet...I mean, I'm 15 and I feel like I'm all alone in the world and it feels like I haven't done anything with the time I've spent here. I know logically that's not true...I mean, I've published quite a few poems, I've made friends whom I love with all my heart and soul...And I know what love is...But, it still feels like nothing. It feels like I'm wasting time...And that after this...I won't get another chance. You know, I don't think I was really waiting to start living this life...I was waiting to die so I can live my next life. But what if that doesn't happen? I've always had my beliefs...But, they're starting to waver...And that's terrifying for me...Because, even if I've never had anything else...I've always had my beliefs.I've always thought that I get to do it all again, but differently...On a clean slate, in a new body. But what if I don;t? What if I go down six feet under and stay there? I know humans create an afterlife so they won't get scared, and because they can't imagine nothing...I'm not so much scared of death, I'm just scared of wasting time. How do I start living though?

 You know...This guy I've been talking to for a while just said something that he meant as a joke...But it was actually pretty interesting. He told me, don't lie to yourself.  I don't know why that jarred me so much...I guess ebcause I do lie to myself so much..Blah, today really sucks and I don't really want to talk about it.

 You know...They tell me it can only get better from here...But, I don't know if I can believe them. I want to...But nothing seems to be making it better.

 I just got finished with a conversation with one of my friends...And it shocks me how little she thinks of herself. She's really attractive, she's a great person, and guys do notice her...She just doesn't notice them back. I know I can't make her see it...But, it's just upsetting to watch someone fall and not be able to catch them at the bottom. I guess it's my fault that we got into that little spat type thing. I told her I met a guy yesterday who asked for my number and...Yeah, she got upset after that. Also we haven't been half as close as we once were since I dated Skye...That relationship kind of screwed all of my friendships up. I just wish I could prove to her that I really don't care about her and she means a lot to me...She doesn't even think that I want to have anything to do with her anymore.