I cry through my skin.

 My stupid fucking little sister is going to fucking drive me crazy. Oh, too late, already there. Ha. I need to fucking get away from this stupid house!! I can't stand it here!! It's me or her...I don't care which...But one of us needs to go. I can't stand it here. I can't stand mum and John yelling and screaming and they're always going to get a divorce..We're always moving..It's always a threat. Always. And it's always my fault...Or Cassie's...Because we're such terriable kids and we always fight. Well you know what? I hate her. I really and honestly hate her. Her life has no value to me...And I'm not just saying this because I'm pissed. Go cut, she said to me...MAYBE I'LL CUT MY FUCKING THROAT AND YOU CAN SEE HOW YOU FEEL THEN!!! I don't care which one of us leaves...But it's me or her...And right now...The razor is telling me that it's going to be me.

 I don't think I can feel much worse...It feels like I'm walking on a razor and no matter what I do..I'm going to fall...Or if I don't fall...I'll get tired of my flesh being torn and bitten at and  I'll simply throw myself off the edge.  I can't stand being like this for much longer...It's a hopeless desolation that pretty much devours everything within my entire being. I don't want to feel this way anymore...It's pointless...It hurts...I'm tired of hurtin...I'm tired of hating the only person that I know will never leave me because they can't. I'm tired of breathing...I'm just tired of life and all it's pain. They tell me it will get better...But they have yet to prove it. I think I might just have to redo my lessons in the next life...

 I hate everything. I hate my friggin life and I want to end it. I am finding less and less with each passing breath...I just want to lay down and die. I know I say it every day...So why don't I just do it? What's keeping me here? Am I afraid of death?...No, not that. Then what? A secret desire for life? These questions...Always questions!

 I keep just wanting it to be different. I want to just go back and change everything. I know I can't.. I wish I never tried to kill myself...If I didn't Skye and I wouldn't have broken up. I hate the way she hurts me...She shouldn't. She shouldn't have that power. No one should. I just want to shut myself off into a world of oblivion and feel NOTHING. I want to go away. I just want to run...I know I can't keep running away though. I need to sit still and let the waves hit me and roll with the punches. I can't anymore though...I'm tired of being hit...I'm tired of having to get back up I don't want to anymore. I just want to sit in a bloody mess on the floor and give in to death. I know that everyone has to deal with exes...I know I'm nothing special...I know everyone deals with shit...It just feels like I'm alone and that there is no one who can really understand. My best friend tries to...I know she does, but she can't. She doesn't get what it's like to be me...She doesn't understand me or my issues. She can't even really understand about my whole Skye drama.

 You know, I am just about on the verge of tears. All of this started when my cake exploded earlier today.  Then John just spazzed out and I really don't feel safe in my house anymore. He's just so drugged up(on medications) he can't see two feet in front of him!! I feel the tensions in the house rising...I just want to run. I keep trying to get away...But I always have to come back. One day, I won't. I'll jsut keep going and they'll never see me again. I just wish that day would be soon...I can't stand this much longer..

 

 Guess what? The doctor is thinking about sending me to the hospital again. Yay hospital. Not a psyche ward this time...Nope..A real hospital...For eating disorders. Because apparantly I'm slipping into dangerous numbers for my blood pressure and heartbeat. I will NOT go to the hospital...I don't care what the doctor's say. I'm not too thin, and I'm not hurting myself. I'm still a freakin' cow! Anyone will say the same. My best friend, she even said I don't need to go to the hospital. She thinks I'm fat still....She doesn't say it, but I can read it in her eyes. I'm not like one of my other best friends who is going to the hospital for an eating disorder...She's extremely thin...And she still thinks she's fat. I'm not like that. I know I'm fat....The scale says so...The measuring tape says so...The bunches of fat on my belly says so. I AM FAT! I refuse to go to the hospital...I swear to God if they send me to the hospital I will cut my wrists with a plastic knife and allow myself to bleed to death. I'm not kidding..I will not allow them to hospitalize me and lie to me and tell me I'm too thin when I'm darn near overweight and then stuff me full of crap food to make me fat.

 I've been having interesting conversations with people all day. It seems that I'm connecting with people on this werid super deep levels. My best friend and I went on a walk today and we think we found the meaning of life. And now I'm talking on AOL to this one guy...Who I'm not sure whether I like  or not...And we're discussing love after getting into a fight about politics. It's weird...I'm not sure if I want to continue conversations like this or not

 I really don't know anymore. I don't know what's worth living for...If anything. I don't know if everyone back in school was right...If I'll always be that ugly girl and I'll never be anything. I don't want them to be right...I don't want to lead a mediocre life like my mum has...Like most of my adult friends have. I want a REAL life. One in which I am someone and do something and have a life that I actually enjoy. I'm just not sure if I'll ever get it. I'm not even sure if I'll ever grow up. How do you know when you grow up? How do you know when it's your turn to start making your decisions and that you're no longer mommy's little princess or daddy's little girl? How do you know? I don't know if I'm grown up or not...I don't know if any decisions I'll make are going to be good ones...I don't even know if my life is worth living. I don't feel like it is. But then again, I haven't felt like it is in a long time. I hate being yelled at all the time...Everyone yells at me. All of last night...I could feel the tears blur the surface of my eyes...But they wouldn't fall. Skye emailed me again...She keeps telling me she loves me and that she made a terriable mistake.I want her back...But I don't want to want her back. I want to just get on with my stupid life and let things go back to the way they were before. You know...I've been thinking a lot about killing myself lately....I wonder if anyone else would understand the irony if I died today. I don't think I will...It's probably not a good idea. But, I want to. It'd be nice if there was a fast forward button to just speed me up until something good happens, but I know there's not. People tell me I need to go out and make something good happen...If it were that easy...Don't they think I would have already? I know I can't just sit on my ass and wait for happiness to fall out of the sky and announce itself...But, I don't know how to persue it. I socialize, I have hobbies, I go out to the city once a week...I do things...But I'm not happy and I don't know why.  I just want to leave this place and find somewhere where I can be happy.

 This weekend was okay...I liked going shopping with my Dad's fiance and the theme park I went to with my best friend on Sunday way alirght. It's just...I feel like there is so much missing from my life. Last night I just layed awake for hours wondering how I'm going to get through life. How am I? How will I ever make it through even my teenage years if I feel like shit day to day? How can I make anything seem like worth the effort if every time I try for something it blows up in my face? Today, after my therapy group, I went to the mall...And I just started walking...Then I started running...And even though it's irrational I thought if I just got going fast enough...I could run off the edge of the earth and I'd never ever have to live again. I know it's stupid...And I know it's possiably the most moronic thing for me to think...But, I'm beyond caring. I just want it all to be over...I don't even care anymore. I haven't cut in a while...But, it's replaced by burning. Ironic, isn't it? As they think I'm getting better...I'm spiriling farther down. They only understand the tears I can't cry when I place them on my wrists. I won't do that anymore...Crying is weak...I won't do it. I just feel so hopeless and sad...Nothing is worth trying...No one will ever love me...I don't care if people HAVE in the past...They won't ever again. But, it doesn't matter...I just hate myself and my life right now.

Mood: Suicidal, depressed, confused

 Why why why why why!!!! Every time I lie to myself...Every time I begin to believe my half assed mascarade...She comes back. She tlaks to me somehow. I know I still love her...But I can't! I CAN'T!! I can never be with her...I know that...It can never be like what we planned...Why does she keep talking to me? It kills me every bloody time she does. I'm just about ready to slit my stupid throat and die. I miss her...Why? It's not like what everyone thinks though...Everyone thinks that I think she's the only one for me...Which is untrue. I know that someday someone else will come along...I have no doubt that eventually I'll get another lover...But...There is just something about her...That kills me. I am having a Hell of a week. Thank God it's over. Still...All I want to do is stab myself repeatidly with a knife until I bleed to death. I thought I was getting better...And now I'm not. No one else understands what I see in her...I don't even understand it...But...THere's something there...That I love...That I find irresistable. She says she even got all of her alters integrated....Does that mean it could work? What am I saying? It can't! I know it can't. Or am I just being stupid and not giving lvoe a second chance? But how many chances does love need? SPeaking of alters...I've started losing time again. Yesterday I lost 5 hours...Life is really just too much. I know that everyone goes through a hard time...That teenage isn't easy for anyone...But it still feels like I'm getting a raw deal. I hate to play the role of the misunderstood teen, but I am. Maybe people do understand they just don't care. I don't know. See, if I died...This stupid drama wouldn't happen.

 My Dad closed his deal. I'm so greatful for him...It's really scary to watch that form of desolution. It makes me wonder if I ever express such hopelessness. It's only Wensday, yet I'm already waiting breathlessly for the weekend. It's going to be really great. I'm probably going shopping with my Dad's fiance on Saturday, I'm going to an amusement park with my best friend on Sunday(if all goes well), and Friday maybe I'll get to go meet the puppy. I guess maybe I'm getting better...I'm starting to feel a little better. The depression is still there...But it's moved from the surface to the core...If that makes sense. Meaning, other emotions can move in front of it for me to expirence them for a little while...But they're always tinged with saddness.