I cry through my skin.

Even if it's something that was once great. I hung out with my guy friend Nathan today...And it was so awkward. Like we were strangers. Just enough to break my heart. It also broke my heart when he commented that I looked 'Uh, different'. It was obvious he wanted to say terriable...But couldn't bring himself to do so. I hate how time ruins the best things...He didn't make me feel a part of the world either...He used to though. It doesn't matter anymore though...I am alone. And I always will be. No matter how 'different' I look...No matter how much I change...No one can love me and no one can make me feel a part of things.

 You know that saying that goes 'You can't escape yourself'? I know you can't...And I can't...But I feel so far away from myself. It's like I'm not living anymore...Except I still have the depression. Why?How is it that I can be a million miles away from anything that's going on and still cling to the one thing that I would glady throw away in a heartbeat?  I guess it doesn't matter...Nothing really does. I'm going to die one day...I just don't know when.

 When does life become real? I'm waiting here...And it feels like nothing is real. The only thing that's real is the pain. The pain and the loneliness. I just want someone there...Someone who's real. Not necessarily a lover...Just someone who can reach through this thick glass wall that seperates me from the rest of the world. What makes me so different from them? Is it the cutting? The eating disorder? The depression? My family? WHAT? I just want to stop feeling like this. I've done everything they've asked me to...And I'm not getting any better. It doesn't seem worth it to wait it out...They tell me...It's going to get better. FUCKING BULLSHIT! If it was going to get better...Would it have? Or wouldn't there be at least an improvement? If anything...I've gotten worse. Just better at hiding it.  Congratulations...All the money spent on therapy, on hospitalization, all the hours of watching me, the stress of wondering if I'm okay...All of that has ammounted to me becoming a better actress and getting worse all the time.

 I can't keep living in this Hell.  I hate my stupid little sister. She needs to die. Or I need to. I really don't care. One of us has got to go though. I hate her. I fucking hate her. I hate this stupid house with all of it's stupid people...I hate everyone telling me how stupid I am for wanting to die...YOU'D WANT TO DIE TO IF YOU HAD TO LIVE WITH A BUNCH OF STUPID ASSHOLES!!! I hate them. I really do. They want to know why I'm so depressed...IT'S THEIR FUCKING FAULT! If they'd just leave me alone...I'd be fine. But they have to fuck me over because they aren't content just screwing over their own lives. So you know what? Fuck all of them.

 Life sucks. I don't care about anything anymore. I don't care if I get better. I don't want to get better anymore. I just want to flop over dead.

 I don't know if he intends to hurt my feelings...Or if he means to be inspirational....But he really makes me feel so much like killing myself because he tells me what a terriable person I am.  Last night he asked me about my love life...Which is fairly typical...Then it evolved into a lecture about how I don't want a real relationship and I just maintain fake relationships that I controle...He says that because I don't like the people who have shown interest in me...It's not that I don't like them...They just aren't for me. I mean, I tried with Rebecca...That turned out pretty poorly....We weren't compatiable. Skye...Well, we all know what happened there. Along with Lance...And as for Wes, he isn't it. He likes all my friends, and he just isn't the type of person who could hold my interest or that I could fall in love with. I know that sounds terriable and I probably need to die for saying it, or even feeling it, but it's true to me. I don't want a relationship with someone who I can't fall in love with...Or someone who I can't relate to, or share things with...I know I have high standards, which is ridiculous for me...I really can't afford to be picky...But, I hate how he thinks that he knows everything about me. He really doesn't. He thinks I don't want a real relationship...But he's dead wrong. I do want one, really badly, but I don't want one that won't work. I want one with a person who I can love, who can understand my passions, if not share them.  I don't want to be with someone who I know won't work...I don't want to be with Wes, he doesn't understand me...He couldn't begin to understand my beliefs, my emotions, my family life...Or anything. I can't be with someone who doesn't understand. Rebecca has too much of her own drama to be with me...And she doesn't seem to be able to talk about anything but what's wrong with her. I just hate how people judge me so harshly...I want to find my one true love in life...Not some three week boytoy. Dad dolesn't seem to be able to understand that....He thinks that I don't want love...He couldn't be more worng. That's all I want...But I want the RIGHT love.

 Even if someone told me it was going to be okay...I don't think I'd believe them at this point.

 Why aren't I getting any frickin' better? I've been doing everything they've asked of me...I'm taking the stupid medication, I'm going to the therapy, I go to the pediatritions...I do everything! I even do the stupid pointless cutting check sheets whenever I want to turn myself into a cutting board! Why isn't it helping? They keep telling me I'll get better...They keep telling me that it'll be okay as long as I don't give up and do whatever they say...IT'S NOT GETTING ANY BETTER!! I'm getting worse. I don't want to wake up in the mornings...I don't want to excersize, I don't want to go out, I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't even want to write. I just want to go into a nonexistant state.  I don't even care if I get better anymore. I really don't.  It's not worth it. Every time I think I might be getting on the rode to betterness...I go back into shitty depression mode. All 'getting better' is faliure and dissapointment. You think you're going to be okay but then-WHAM! You're back to square one. It's just not worth it...It's not even worth it to do. Nothing is worth living...I wanted to get better...And now I don't give a damn and you know what? Everyone can be right. My ebst friend can be right in saying that I'm lazy My mum can be right in saying I'm not going to kill myself. Everyone can be right and I can just wallow in my misery and grow fatter and fatter and die of absolute obesity if I don't die of sheer depression first. Everyone gets to be right...Everyone gets to be happy...Everyone wins...Except for me. I die. But, that doesn't matter. Because everyone else is happy and sometimes happiness requires sacrafice. So, I'll just live with a feeling of depression and hopelessness for the rest of forever and die lonely and obese because I'm never getting better.

 Whenever I need to talk the most...I can't. I want to just fall over and die...And I don't feel like telling anyone anything.

 Gosh darnit. Why did I do that? I hurt one of my closest friends...She thinks that people like me and not her. Doesn't she know how simply untrue that is? People don't like me...Not real people anyways. Internet people might like me because they think I'm an easy score or think I'm a pathetic loser. I hate myself for hurting her...For hurting everyone. That's all I ever do...Hurt people. I shouldn't even be permitted to live...No one who inflicts the pain I do should be permitted to live. Kill me now...Please...I don't want to make them feel worse because I did it myself...

 I think I'm really and truely over Skye. I saw her today...And...It kind of hurt...But not in the present, if that makes sense. It was like Old Kat wanted to relive the past. But...I don't think I do anymore. I really just want to move on. Last night...I didn't think I did. Last night...I stayed awake for hours just crying because I ruined the( what at the time felt like) only good relationship I'll ever have.I think it was a good thing...The relationship, that is. But...It's really time to let go and move on. I thought I was dping that already...But no, not really. I was waiting for her to come back. I think I'm really ready to move on...Who knows what waits for me next? Maybe a new love...Maybe I'm just going to be single for a while...But...I'm ready for the next step. It sounds silly now...But last night, I was so devoured by feelings of absolute desolution and pain that I told my Goddess that if I was supossed to live I couldn't do it without something good. Skye wasn't good for the present...But, she was something good from the past...Maybe that's a sign that there might be more good in the future. I'm kind of numb right now...Emotionally that is. I'm not sure if I have hope back or not...But right now, I'm willing to wait for life to play itself out.

 Because I do hope for something. You know what I hope for? I hope to die.  That's all I want right now...Is to curl up and die. I don't care about anything...I just want to stop. I debate slashing my wrists...But, we all know how well that works. I could take a bottle of pills...And then vomit for the next three days and pee bright yellow. I know killing myself isn't the answer and it won't solve anything...But, I found something to hope for. Cross my heart and hope to die..

 But I don't think it matters. I don't really think hope is anything anymore. Why hope? It only brings disappointment. I hoped for a love that would be okay...But, no. I can't have love...Because I want it. I hoped to be pretty and thin...I'm huge and hideous.  I hoped for things to just get better....They just don't! I give up on hope...I can't even hope to die because I never do...I never die...*Sigh* All hope is gone...All I can do is wait.

 My abdomine hurts really bad...I swear...It feels like there is a knfie swirling around my fat. I don't know if it's period cramps or what...But it really hurts...Owch..And I can't take any bloody asprin because my mum is asleep and she hides the asprin so i won't OD on it and I can't take anything else because it has bad reactions with my antidepressants.

 God d@*nit. World's shortest relationship. I hate myself again. I know he was a bad match for me...But...I just wanted it so badly. I just wanted love....And I found someoen who was willing to give it to me...But...At a price that I wasn't willing to pay. Am I stupid for it? Was he meant for me?  I'm crying now...And I want to cut...I'm not crying for him persay...Just for the gnawing emptiness that is echoing inside of me...The emptiness that I know is only filled by love...Which I just can't seem to find...

 Okay...More on the whole boyfriend thing...He's kind of freaking me out... He's talking about how he loves me...And how he wants me to run away with him to Hawaii...Not like in the future, like now. He's talkinga bout spending the night...About losing his virginity to me...He's talking how he wants to give me oral when we meet up. He says he wants to go live on a deserted island with me and have tons of kids...And that'd be sweet if it was in the future...But he's talking now. And he's saying how he wants to spend all of his time with me.....And how he doesn't want me talking to other guys...I told him to please just slow it down...But he said he doesn't want to slow down and if I loved him or even liked him I'd be wiling to do all this stuff with him and for him. Someone...Please help me...I really need advice and I'm really scared as to what I should do...

 I got a boyfriend...I got a boyfriend...His name is Lance, he's 17...And he lives really closeby. I know, he's kind of old for me...But...I'm wiling to give it a try. I really like him...And he says he really likes me...I got a boyfriend! Yaaay!!

 I think I found someone I like...Like like...I don't want to jinx it...I just met him...But I think I do...