I cry through my skin.

May 31, 2006 at 08:03 o\clock

Improvement?

 You know what? I have finally found a reason to live. I've decided on something that I want to do with my life and can't do until a later date. I have to live so that I can get the Hell out of here. Once I turn 18, or if I play my cards right before that, I am leaving this Hellish city and I am going to move to New York, New York. Maybe it sounds like just a dream...But, it's not. That's a GOAL. I finally have a hard set goal....And I have to live so that I can complete it. I really don't expect anything good to happen between now and then...I'm just going to look at these next two years like I look at meals...I have to choke down the crap I don't like before I can get to what I really want. These next two years...Crap I don't like. They are probably going to be just as crappy as the past 15. However, I have something to live for...And I'm willing to work for it.

 Although, something crappy did happen today. I now know what it looks like from an outsider's perspective when I lose all hope and wait for God to strike me down because it's obvious to me that no good can ever happen again. I witnessed such a sadness and desolution in my Dad today. That really snapped things into place for me. I really just want things to work out for him. He's been through a lot of shit and he needs things to work out. Ever since Grandpa died...THings have just been spiraling downward. Tomorrow will either make him or break him...Not like those silly hollywood things where you get a once in a lifetime opertunity blah blah blah...No. He needs to close a deal tomorrow...Or he's super screwed. More than anything else...I just want him to close the deal tomorrow. Please please please...Let him close the deal tomorrow. Actually, tomorrow is proving to be a rather eventful day. My best friend has her court case reviewed by a judge tomorrow. I wish her the best as well. Aye me, the drama that surrouds me. On the bright side, I'm getting a puppy!

May 30, 2006 at 00:44 o\clock

Blargh

 I'm not sure what's wrong. I'm not sure why I'm so sad. And I'm not sure why I hurt myself on purpose...It wasn't cutting...It wasn't anything that could get me into trouble. I just ran straight into the sharp corner of the dresser and banged my leg. It left a bruise.  I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow at noon...But, there is a happy side. We're getting another dog. Don't know when, or what type...But, I'm happy about that. I really hope it's a big dog. There's not much to say...I'm depressed and fat as always. So, I guess I'll go be depressed and fat in a small corner.

May 29, 2006 at 05:01 o\clock

Lala

 I spent the weekend with my best friend. It was kind of fun...But, depressing. Depressing because...She's so perfect, and she can't see it. I mean, she's absolutely GORGEOUS. She's tiny, has a nice face, amazing eyes...I'm completely envious of her. But...It's just sad...She can't see herself. She thinks she's fat...Which couldn't be farther from the truth. It's kind of funny, you know, how people really can't see themselves. They only see what they WANT to see. It's easier to apply to other people rather than yourself though...An example being, when a heavy girl wears tiny clothes and thinks she looks stunning in them...She sees herself that way no matter what we see. Although, it is a rather depressing concept to apply to oneself if someone has low self esteeme. We found a baby bird this weekend, my family and I, it was hurt...So we took it home. Then I spent the night over at my best friend's house and it died. I know it's stupid...But...I felt like I could have saved it if I'd been there. I know I couldn't have logically..If it was going to die...It was going to die...And that's all there is to it...But, there is still that thought that somehow MAYBE I could have done something. I guess I just want to think today...I really don't want to do anything...I just want to analyze the world. Maybe if I understand the world...It won't seem quite so harsh. Although...I must admitt that I'm thinking more about the future. I'm not sure why. I just want to know what's going to happen...I'm so uncertain...I'm not even sure if there is anything I want in the future...That's really the only reason why I'm here. For tomorrow...Or whenever the future is. Everyone assures me that it will get better...But...How do they know? Not every story has a happy ending...

May 26, 2006 at 06:15 o\clock

Quick fix meds, and mom wants me gone.

 I'm tired of life, once agian. They're putting me on a different medication now. Celexil this time. Mom told me to graduate highschool early and move out. Those were her exact words. Isn't that great? No one wants me. Not even my own mother wants me. Just the story of my life. God should just strike me dead now. Nobody wants me on this planet...No one loves me here. No one ever will...They can't. ANd here I am too much of a stupid pussy to take my own life. What value does my life have? And who am I to get to live it? What about the millions of people who die every day who want to live life...Contrasted so sharply against me who doesn't? But...If I really didn't want to live life...Wouldn't I stop? Do I secretly want to live life but refuse to reveal the information to anyone...Including myself? If so...Why? Always questions with me...Always questions and never answers. I shouldn't question so much. I shouldn't be such a depressive person. I shouldn't even live. But...I am living. Why? I should be DEAD! I've tried to take my own life so many times!! All laws of physics say I should be long gone!! I took 100 pills of tylonal and chased it with VODKA! I should have died!! I should be dead!!! So why aren't I?

May 24, 2006 at 17:25 o\clock

Stupid revelatations

Mood: Depressed

 You know...I figured it out. I FINALLY figured everything out. I don't love Skye. Isn't that weird? I don't love her...I love the idea of her. I love the idealized version of her...The one that I created to help deal with the crappy times throughout the relationship. Isn't that insane? I never truely believed that I'd be able to say it...I never thought I'd be able to say that I don't love Skye. You know what else I figured out? I can't have love. I can't have love because I want it. But I don't understand why. I used to think that a boyfriend was just a friend that you kissed...But...That's not true. It's a different somehow. A boyfriend...You can rarely entrust with your secrets or tell him how you're really feeling...It's rare to find a boyfriend who you can cry all over...Or drag shopping for something stupid like a new bra...What is a boyfriend? Just a boy...Just a boy who you kiss and tell you love. But in the end you always end up getting hurt because unless you feel love for them...And unless they are like a friend...It's never going to work. So you know what? I don't want it. I don't want to deal with that whole merry-go-round anymore. Whoever wants it...Can have it. It just isn't worth it. If I was meant to have love...I'd get it. I know I'm only 15...And I know that I'm still hardly living life...But...At least for now, I'm done with searching for a boyfriend. That's not to say that I'm done searching for love...I will never give up on that. However, I won't bother searching for it actively. Love will have to slap me across the face.

May 23, 2006 at 20:02 o\clock

Fatfatfat

 Well...I don't feel dead anymore. I feel very much so alive...And with this life comes all the pain. What's wrong with me? I have such extreme moodswings!! When I looked in the mirror this morning...I thought how thin I looked...Then i looked in it again 20 minutes later and I couldn't believe what an obese monstriousity I am. Two hours later...I'm still stuck on obese monstriousity. Why is food essential? Why does it have the power to make you feel great about yourself...Or terriable? With some people it's the foods they do eat that make them feel good...But with me...It's only when I don't eat that I feel good. I hate the way I look...I just want to cut open my stomache and remove all the disgusting fat from it. I'm fine with everything else...It's just the fat that I have a problem with. lthough...I probably shouldn't talk about performing at home lyposuction. It's not for lack of trying that I'm still fat..I excersize until I fall over exhausted. But, I'm still fat and everyone knows it. Of course they don't CALL me fat(usually) but they use the happyh words for it...Like, voluptious...Curvey...All synamous for FAT. I hate feeling this way...I really do. But...How do I change it? It doesn't help that I know other girls are bigger than me...People tell me that when I complain about my weight. They say, Oh Kat...Don't worry. They're are plenty of girls out there bigger than you!...I don't CARE. Chances are those girls have other things going on for them than their looks. They're probably talented, nice, socialable, lovable...And they probably have people who like them. I am NONE of these! I am nothing good! I can't even say all I have going for me is my looks because I don't HAVE any looks. Everyone tells me how pretty I am...But...It doesn't matter to me unless I believe it.

May 21, 2006 at 23:54 o\clock

So far away...

 Have you ever had that feeling that you're dead? It feels like life is a million miles away and I'm not alive...I'm just HERE. I don't feel connected to anything. It's not isolated...It's just...Not a part. I don't know if that makes any sense. It's kind of a scary feeling, to be truthful. Today, on the phone with my best friend, I was hearing everything she said...But...It was almost as though it was in a different langauge. None of it meant anything to me. Nothing means anything to me right now...I look in the mirror...And I see me...But...It's not me. I can't scrutinize the image in the mirror for flaws and imperfections like I can myself. I can't look at hder. She means nothing to me. None of my life means anything to me. I don't even want to cut...It's not worth it. Nothing is worth it. If it weren't an automatic reflex I wouldn't breathe. I'm not sure if this is an improvement or another step back..

May 19, 2006 at 18:56 o\clock

Cuts

Mood: Depressed, Suicidal, hopeless, ugly

 One, two, three, four, five, six, seven cuts. None visable. I won't go back to the psyche ward. I won't die. I'll never die. I'm doomed to live forever I bet I could take a month's worth of Zoloft and die...I haven't been taking them for about a month. And I felt better...And now I feel terriable. Maybe I shouldn't cutr my wrists...Maybe I should stab them...Just split the vein in half and go deep enough and keep going. Although, with my luck I'm immortal.

May 19, 2006 at 05:48 o\clock

I'm tired of this

 Tired of feeling this way. I want to stop hurting!!! I want to stop all of this crap that swirls around and around and around in my brain! I WANT IT TO GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!! I just want to cut open my brain and remove all these bad feelings. I have half a mind to try. Maybe I will..Ha. That'd be genius.

May 17, 2006 at 19:12 o\clock

Waiting

 Why is it life is always waiting? At least for me...I'm always waiting for something. The moment I have is never good enough...I'm waiting for something. Waiting for tomorrow, waiting until I lose the weight, waiting until I can go to the store, just waiting. I don't live this moment because I wait for the next one to come. My question is...Why? Why is it all waiting? Why doesn't there seem to be enough reason to live in now while being concious that the next moment everything will be different? It's true though...I will never have a moment like this again. There will always be something different. So, why don't I just enjoy this moment? Why can't I? Why am I waiting? For what am I waiting? Well, no, I actually know what I'm waiting for...I'm waiting for life. I'm waiting for time to really begin. To me, it doesn't seem like you're allowed to live life when you're young. Your comings and goings are controlled by parents, gaurdians, teachers, police...Whoever and whatever. There is always controle over you. These past 15 years...They don't seem to count for anything. How can they? They haven't been mine. They've been my mum's, my teachers, my family's....They haven't been MINE. My life has been controled by others for as long as I can remember. How can I call it my life even? That's why people get so mad when I cut and when I try to kill myself. Because it's not my life to end yet...It's theirs. When I cut myself...I'm not cutting myself. I'm cutting them. I'm cutting their life. I'm ruining their second chance at life. They want to share my life...But only the good things. The pain is my own...That's the only thing that is mine. Now, I'm forced to wonder...When my life truely be mine? When will I get a chance at living? The whole other people controling my life thing is probably a chain event. Their youths were controled and now they want a chance to live the life that they never got a chance to because no one would alow it. I don't want to be waiting anymore...But, I've never been anything but. I really can't remember when I wasn't waiting. I guess that's something to work out...Making right now good enough and not always holding my breath for tomorrow. I don't really know how to do that...But...I'll try.

May 16, 2006 at 21:14 o\clock

Age

Mood: Angry, depressed, anxious

 Why does my age matter so much? WHy is it people treat me like a mature adult before they know how old I am, but then when I tell them they treat me like a kid? I am 15 years old! That doesn't make me any different than anyone older. If the topic is depression...Before they know how old I am...They respect my views and such...Then when they figure out I'm still a kid...They tell me my pain isn't real. Well, guess what? Any pain I have is not any less real than any pain a 20 year old has, or 30, or 40, or 50, or 60!!! Pain grows up with you. What's absolutely devastating to me...Mayn't be to someone older because they've been desensitized to it and now it doesn't hurt them. I'm waiting to meet someone over the age of 37 who remembers and can understand what it's like to be a kid. It shouldn't matter that I'm 15...Age is only a number.  Okay, sorry about that bit....I guess frusteration got the best of me. aI feel really sick today...My stomache hurts and I keep getting dizzy. Ah well.

May 14, 2006 at 21:14 o\clock

Speachless

 I want to write...There is so much swirling around inside my head...But I can't articulate it. So, I guess I'll just settle for I'm still alive and I'm taking diet pills again. Only this time with my mum's permission...She bought them for me even. I guess I'm so fat that even my mum desperatly wants me to lose weight.

May 12, 2006 at 21:01 o\clock

I could scream.

 I talked to Skye today...Actually talked...She called me...She begged me to go back with her...She told me how much she loves me and how I'm all she can think about and how she thinks that it could work if we'd just give it another chance. She told me how much she wants to be with me again...And now here we go with the tears again. I love her...WHy? Why do I love her? She hurt me so many times! Yet...I can't stop loving her. Last night I had a bit of a revelation...I wrote it in my real diary...The one for my eyes only that I use a pen and paper for. But, I'll brief it in here.  Basically...I want a lover to make me feel like I'm worth something I know that's wrong..That's not what love is for. Someone else loving me can't make up for me loving myself. No one can make me feel like I'm worth something, I have to make myself feel that way. I hate admitting that. Maybe that's part of the reason why I can't  let go of Skye...Despite all the crap and all the arguements and everything she always made me feel like I was worth something. How selfish. I didn't cut last night...Be proud. Worst I did was a little burning...Nothing major...Didn't even leave a mark. However, I am being stupid again. Getting back into bulimia. I've been throwing up everything I've eaten for the past week. I know it's stupid, I know it's harmful, I know in the long run it will probably just make me fatter...So...Why do I do it?  I don't know. I just don't. All I know is...I want to be skinny. I want to be pretty. People tell me I am...But...I don't see it...And before I can believe them...I need to believe it myself. Also, I've decided...Until I approve of myself, at least like myself, I am not allowed to have a romantic relationship. Maybe it doesn't make sense to anyone out there reading this...But...It makes sense to me...And I guess that's what's important.

May 11, 2006 at 23:14 o\clock

1 Step forward 7 Steps back

Mood: Guilty, depressed, unsure

 You all remember that girl I spent the weekend with? Okay, well, I let her down easy...Telling her how I didn't want to be involved with her romantically adn how I hope we can be friends but I'm still not quite ready for a relationship...And now she's back in the psyche ward. Why? Why would someone do that? Why would she do that directly after I let her down...Knowing that I'd blame it all on myself? Would it be egotistical to say it is my fault? I feel like it is. I try to be happy...I make a concious decision to not allow pain affect me...And then...This. Why? Does every higher power WANT me to go slit my throat? Do they WANT me to hate myself? It has nothing to do with me...I mean, my friends situation...It's not God punishing me...It just feels like it is. This could have coralation to my rejecting her...But...I'm not entirely sure...All I know is...I want to cut so badly right now....Good thing I have homework to do instead and then I get to go hang out with my best friend...She'll help me figure things out.

May 10, 2006 at 18:45 o\clock

My head hurts

Mood: Confused

 I'm so confused. Argh!!! Last night my dad had a really long talk with me...He kept telling me how much I have to offer...He told me that I'm beautiful and that I just can't see it. This doesn't compute!!! Why do people keep telling me I'm beautiful? I'm not. I try to see it, believe me I do, but I just can't. Every time I look in the mirror I can only see a hideous, obese monster! I can't even think. I'm really upset. A boy just proclaimed his love to me...Which I also don't understand. I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand!! I just need to stop and think. And I can't. My mind won't let me believe anything said me. My dad told me that before I can find the love that I so desperetly want....I need to love myself. But, I don't know how to love myself...I don't know how to love something that I've spent so many years hating...And I don't understand how people can't see what I do. How do people not see how fat, ugly, stupid, socially retarted, insensitive, nuerotic, pessemistic, and just all around horriable I am? Thing of it is...When I'm asked to find supporting evidence for these traits...I can't find any or the eviidence I do find is subjective. I don't know...I need to sit still and  think until I have this mess straightened out,.

May 10, 2006 at 18:41 o\clock

My head hurts

Mood: Confused

 I'm so confused. Argh!!! Last night my dad had a really long talk with me...He kept telling me how much I have to offer...He told me that I'm beautiful and that I just can't see it. This doesn't compute!!! Why do people keep telling me I'm beautiful? I'm not. I try to see it, believe me I do, but I just can't. Every time I look in the mirror I can only see a hideous, obese monster! I can't even think. I'm really upset. A boy just proclaimed his love to me...Which I also don't understand. I don't understand, I don't understand, I don't understand!! I just need to stop and think. And I can't. My mind won't let me believe anything said me. My dad told me that before I can find the love that I so desperetly want....I need to love myself. But, I don't know how to love myself...I don't know how to love something that I've spent so many years hating...And I don't understand how people can't see what I do. How do people not see how fat, ugly, stupid, socially retarted, insensitive, nuerotic, pessemistic, and just all around horriable I am? Thing of it is...When I'm asked to find supporting evidence for these traits...I can't find any or the eviidence I do find is subjective. I don't know...I need to sit still and  think until I have this mess straightened out,.

May 8, 2006 at 01:43 o\clock

Sigh

 Wow...The weekend really really really sucked. She wouldn't talk about anything but the hospital and what was wrong with her...She claimed everything she ate was a 'binge' she kept saying how fat and ugly she was and she didn't even like rides at the theme part. I don't know why I had a crush on her before...And I feel so mean for not liking her...But she just kept telling me how bad she was with her anorexia and her cutting and how I shouldn't even be self concious about my scars because they're nothing compared to hers and GARGH! And worse...She tried to make out with me. That was one of the most awkward things that has ever happened to me. But yeah...After she went home today...My best friend and I hung out. We just went down to our spot and played in the creek, then we did put facial maks on eachother(we're idiots...lol) and she said something that made me happy. She told me that I look absolutely gorgeous and that anyone would be lucky to have me. I know it's a lie...But, still...It's a nice one. I guess I'm not so depressed right now...I just feel alone. It doesn't bother me though...I guess I'm used to feeling alone.

May 5, 2006 at 20:33 o\clock

Yep. I did it.

 I cut last night. But I guess you guys would have figured that one out already. After I cut...I had a wonderful day. My best friend invited me over because my mum decided she didn't want to drive me to group therapy....So...We hung out by the river and went to the convience store...It put me in such a great mood. And today is going to be great...My friend is coming over for the weekend. I'm worried...But...I'll let whatever happens happen.

May 4, 2006 at 21:04 o\clock

Cut

Mood: Self injurious, depressed, borderline suicidal

 I want to cut so badly...I just want to pull apart my skin and let all my life bleed out. There is nothing in this world! What use is life if it brings nothing but pain? And that's all there is...Pain. I don't see any point in holding on. I don't see any reason to keep up the charade of smiles and joy. I should just slit my throat. Drown in my own blood..No one understands. No one cares. The point of life is to love...I loved...I keep loving. And all that happens is I keep getting hurt. No matter what...Around every corner...There is hurt. I always hurt. I can't think of anywhere to cut though! If I cut my wrists...They'll see and send me back to the hospital. I can't cut my breasts for fear of them checking. My mum keeps telling me she's going to send me to the gynocologist...And legs...That would just be stupid because it's short season and if I suddenly stop wearing shorts that'd look suspicious. Foot might be an option...But...Feet heal slowly...And I wear flipflops...I don't know...I just want to cut hard and deep and I feel like I have to.

May 3, 2006 at 19:35 o\clock

Love life...Garg

Mood: Confused,hungry,ugly

 Life confuses me. Last night Skye sent me an email about how she stl loves me...Which made me cry. I hate how she lies to me even though we've been broken up for over a month. I know I should be over her by now...But...I'm not. Which is bad...Because I'm somewhat being pushed into the dating world. A girl I sojmewhat have a crush on is coming to stay the weekend with me. It reallhy wouldn't be that bad if she didn't know and if she didn't like me more than I like her. I'm not being self absorbed by saying that...She tells me and she shows me in every way possiable how much she cares for me. It's really sweet...But, I'm worrieed about what might happen...Or what she expects to happen. I don't know...I know I want someone to love and to love me...But...I don't love her. Well, that's not quite true...I love her as a friend...But I'm not IN love with her. I don't know if she loves me or if she's in love with me...She's told me that she thinks we're meant to be one true loves...But, that doesn't necessarily mean she's in love with me...Does it? Last night was odd as well. Dad took me to firedance...All these guys showed up and kept talking to me. One invited me out on a date later that night. I couldn't say yes...He was in college. He didn't realize I'm onlu 15. It really sucks that no one MY age is interested in me. Well, that's not entirely true...The girl I'm hanging out with this weekend is very close to my age...She's 16. But, she doesn't live anywhere near me and I absolutely detest long distane relationships. Is that why I'm not in love with her? Because I don't want to be in a long istance relationship? This is just all so confusing. I want to say I'll let whatever happens happen...But, I can't. I really wish that there would be some sort of divine sign to show me what I'm supossed to do. I actually asked for one the other day on Beltane(religious holiday) and then the day after I run into an old flame. Then my almost crush is coming to stay over....Then I get asked out...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!