I cry through my skin.

Apr 29, 2006 at 04:27 o\clock

Be careful what you wish for.

 I know this is a be careful what you wish for scenario...But, Skye didn't call. I want to cry...But, it really is for the better that she didn't. I just wish...I wish she did. I wish we didn't end. I wanted it to go on forever.  Why? Why am I so stupid? What is this stupid THING about love? And why do I always get my heart broken? Why can't anyone ever love me and love me truely? WHEN WILL I FIND SOMEONE WHO WON'T BREAK ME INTO A MILLION PIECES?! I'm tired of my heart being jerked around...I don't even want to try anymore. But...I know I will. It's not even worth promising that I won't because I know I will. Damn me and my predictability. I just want to go and cut my wrists...

Apr 27, 2006 at 18:48 o\clock

AHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Mood: Confused, depressed, self-loathing, heartbroken, lonely

 I saw Skye today. It really couldn't have gone much worse. She saw me...And tackle hugged me...And clung to me...Which made me feel really awkward because all I wanted to do was hug her back...But, I couldn't because...Well, she broke up with me. I don't know why that kept me from hugging her....But, it did. I guess it was stupid and bitchy of me. Then she started begging me to be her girlfriend again..She told me how much she wants to make it work...How she didn't care what her family wanted, how she didn't care if we were in the same school....How none of it mattered and she just wanted to be with me. I was so close to tears that I had to start counting. I don't know why counting makes me not cry...It just does. More than anything else I wanted to say that I'd be her girlfriend again. I wanted to tell her how much I loved her and how I wanted it to work between us...But...I couldn't. Then she kissed me...And even counting didn't stop me from crying...Because...I still love her. God damnit all! Even though I keep trying so hard to let her go...I can't. Something makes me hold on. She told me everything I wanted to hear...But...I know I can't go back. It wouldn't work. She needs someone physically there to hold her...And I need to be able to trust her. I can't trust her. She's hurt me too many times to be trusted. She cheated on me....How can you trust someone after they've broken a commitment? Even worse...I think she lied to me. Or maybe my best friend lied to me. I really don't know right now. I HATE THIS! I want to cry now that I'm all alone and that no one would see or care...But I can't.  I'm so tempted just to take that box cutter and stab myself with it again...No one would notice...I could do it so no one would see. I shouldn't though...I have cutter group tonight...I'd really rather not go...but...I have to. I just wish someone understood how I feel...Although, at this point, I'd settle for me understanding how I feel. Love sucks.

Apr 27, 2006 at 07:59 o\clock

Doom

Mood: Doomed, depressed, self injurous

 I keep hoping that something, anything, will come and make things okay. I just want to stop feeling the world's blow a thousand times worse than anyone else. It's not that I'm being hit harder, so to speak, it's just that I'm more soft skinned...Chemically depressed...All that other random psycho-mumbo-jumbo. Or, maybe I'm just a spoilt brat who needs to stop being so emo. I don't think it's the latter...If I could stop, I would. I have to see Skye tomorrow...The timg couldn't be worse either. My best friend and I just wrote a fuck you letter and destroyed everything she ever gave me. I'm really going to catch the shit on that one. Although, I really do deserve it. It's karma, and I know it.

Apr 27, 2006 at 00:56 o\clock

Just the usual

 I hate life. I hate life. I hate life. I hate life. There is nothing to life. Not that you care. No one cares. Everyone tells me it's all going to get better....WHEN? I'm staying over at my Dad's tonight...Hopefully that will be okay. I didn't take my happy pills yet...What's the point? They don't do shit.

Apr 25, 2006 at 04:26 o\clock

Add another tear to the collection

 I'm so bad...I cut. Well...It wasn't really a cut...I just kind of stabbed myself. I really think I should stop taking Zoloft..I'm feeling worse than I did before I started it. I hate life. Nothing is alright anymore. I don't know what's wrong...I just know that nothing is right. Does that make sense? Someone send me an angel...

Apr 24, 2006 at 06:27 o\clock

Love...

 Why is it I thought I'd put Skye behind me? Why is it I thought that I could just turn off the pain whenever I felt like? This girl who's in a insane asylum asked me about her...And I just started crying. I'm not over her...I really miss her. I don't know why I still want her! I don't know what I makes it so impossiable for me to let go. I want to put a bullet through my heart to stop this fucking emotion called love!!! I DON'T WANT TO FEEL ANYTHING!!!!!!!! I  want to lie cold and dead six feet under...I want to stand outside my body and watch all my blood seep into the carpet.  I hate life...There is no point to it. What is life? Life is one big hurt after another and then you die and you feel nothing. I'd rather just hit the stupid fast forward button and feel NOTHING! I want nothing!!! Strike me dead, God. Take me here and now...There is nothing on this hunk of rock for me.

Apr 24, 2006 at 05:56 o\clock

I want to scream

 And cry...And rant...And make people understand that this is FAKE. You think my eating disorder is gone? I've just gotten better at hiding it. I throw up in a plastic bag and then put it in the dumpster! You think I've stopped hurting myself? Haven't you noticed all these bruises? Haven't you noticed I seem to burn myself cooking a lot? I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY I'M NOT OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you know WHY I'm not okay? Because I'm alone. Because nobody loves me. Because I'm useless and have no purpose in life and no talents. I'm not okay because I hate being home all the time...I need to go to school. I can't stay home...Staying home makes for an idle brain and an idle brain makes de[ression.  The only time you understand is when it's written in blood...The only time you understand is when I've stopped crying with tears and started to use a razor. The only time I understand why I'm so depressed about life...Is when I'm about to lose it.

Apr 23, 2006 at 07:32 o\clock

So Alone

 I hate being single. I hate it. I know it's illogical...But, people keep staring at me...And I just keep thinking that they somehow know everything about my pathetic love life.  Paranoid, I know. I hate this feeling...This feeling of being unloved and lonely. I guess it's now a psycological malfunction, huh? Therapists are always talking about how people need other people to validate them. I don't really think it's that with me though...It's more like...I thought I'd found the real thing...And, if even for a moment, it was the most amazing feeling in the world...It was a feeling of passion, affection, and...LOVE. And suddenly, it's gone. Suddenly I'm told everything I was feeling was a lie...But, I know it wasn't... I don't know how any of this connects. I'm rambeling. Stupid me. I'm just...So alone. So isolated from everyone...I don't know if I feel the same things they do, if I'm normal...Or if I'm just some freak. It feels like the latter. I can't imagine anyone else feeling this way. I almost never feel like I'm with somebody...I can be in a giant crowd...But, feel like there isn't anyone but myself near. I want to feel close to someone...I want to feel like there is someone else in the universe who understands. All these people around me...They keep telling me they know what I'm going through, they tell me they went through the same thing and they understand my pain...How can they? I don't even understand it. What do I have to be pained about? And how can they know what I'm going through? WHAT AM I GOING THROUGH? This isn't normal teenage...Everyone else I've talked with...They tell me it isn't. They tell me what I'm feeling is wrong...I have no reason to feel this way...I know I don't. But, that doesn't stop it. I just want someone who can reach through the impentrable wall that seperates me from the rest of the world. Not necessarily a lover...A friend would do wonderfully. I just need someone...I hate being so alone...It hurts.

Apr 20, 2006 at 02:53 o\clock

Rebirth

 It's definantly Spring. I feel it. Things are changing...I think they're going to get better. I'm still hurting about Skye, but looking back on it...I really think it was for the best. The relationship wasn't healthy...And now that I'm away from it...I can see that she really wasn't that nice to me. I'm not going to bash her...It's just...I wasn't completely honest in here because ...Well, I don't know why. But, I really wish I could find someone to love who'd love me back...But that person would really need to be understanding and gentle...My MPD might pose a problem, so might my sex related fears....They'd need to be a really special person. But, you know what? I'll wait. I'll wait for someone special to come along...

Apr 14, 2006 at 02:58 o\clock

THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!

 My stupid brother is so mean. Why can't he just leave my cutting alone? I'm a fuck up. I understand. That's why I've tried to kill myself so many times!!!! I hate my stupid life. I don't want to talk to him...And I'm not like my other brother. I'm ME. I'm a screw up in my own right and he's so judgemental. I don't cut for attention...I'd rather everyone turn the other way and let me die. N

Apr 5, 2006 at 03:53 o\clock

Not worth living.

Mood: Borderline...

 That's it. I officially suck. No wonder I got dumped. Everyone around me has lovers....Even those who just broke up. Why am I so different?!?!?! Why can't I just find someone to love who loves me back? Am I that ugly? That fat? That stupid? Am I just that type of girl? I'm going to grow old and ugly alone in a stupid house that has an ugly tree in the back yard. I don't know WHY I added the ugly tree bit...But that's the one thing I absolutely always refused to have at any house I live in. But, nope, with my luck...That's exactly what's going to happen. And I'll die alone from a heartattack because I'm so flippin' obese and they keep shoving food down my throat that I can throw back up or I'll end up in the stupid mental place again. I hate my stupid effing life. God hates me. I did something terriable to offend every deity on the face of the universe and now they are all punishing me for it at the same time. I should just give them all my blood now and get it over with. Screw living...Screw love. Screw everything. This isn't worth dealing with for the supossed better tomorrow that I keep hearing about.

Apr 4, 2006 at 05:13 o\clock

Sigh

Mood: Depressed

 Well, I went to my cutter girl's group today...I really didn't like it. Everyone just seemed really apethetic. This includes myself. Oh, and guess what? I cut. Ha, irony. I was debating killing myself...But then, my old friend came over and I can't really kill myself when someone is over...That would be bad hosting skills. I really hate that suicide isn't the worst thing I can think of...Some people think it's positivly atroscious(excuse the spelling...) that I think of killing myself so often. I used to be able to understand that thought process...But now, I can't. It's just so normal for me....Every day...Depression is there, the lingering thought of cutting or ending everything...I just want to stop hurting...No ammount of therapy, or antidepressants can make me stop hurting. I don't know what can though. I can't even really remember a time when I was generally in an up mood rather than generally...Two steps from killing myself. Tomorrow I go to school, I didn't today. Maybe Skye will be back from the crazy house...Maybe I'll be spiteful and evil because she hurt me profoundly.

Apr 3, 2006 at 04:17 o\clock

Blah

Mood: Suicidal, hungry

 I want to cut...Really badly. My friend didn't help...She was just telling me that instead of cutting across, one would need to cut the vein in half to kill yourself. And, I already know this depression is because I haven't eaten for the past 2 1/2 days...But, that's because there is NOTHING worthy of eating. There is some pizza that I hate the way it tastes when heated up, top ramon which makes me throw up...And I'm not allowed to do that...And yeah...That's about it. Other than milk. But milk isn't good to actually eat...Just drink. So, yeah, I'm just going to be depressed and debate cutting. No one loves me anyways...Why should it matter if I hurt myself?

Apr 1, 2006 at 01:17 o\clock

Deathwish...

Mood: Suicidal

 Skye called me last night...Now SHE'S in the crisis center for cutting her wrists and going to the nuthouse. FUCKING GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!! Why is it every time I do something stupid SOMEONE has to do the same thing? I was so close to just cutting my stupid, fat wrists today....I have a blade to do it with even. I found an old box cutter in my closet and disassembled that. Someone cut me to ribbons so that I don't have to do it myself! She actually asked me back out...I told her to wait until after she's out of the hospital. A lot of things change after you've been in the looney bin...I don't know if she'll still love me or still want me after going there.

 I'm so sick of stupid drama. Life sucks. Everyone keeps telling me things will get better...You know what I say? BULL! Things are never going to get better! I'm going to be miserable for the rest of my life. There is no happiness allowed with depression. Depression devours everything and sooner or later it will devour my life. Not that that really matters...I mean nobody gives a d@mn whether I live or die...They just act like they do because it's the thing to do. My life is of no meaning, I have done nothing for the world! I only take from it and put out terriable things. And for that, I must die. Not until Monday though....Because I can't ruin my little sister's birthday party or kill myself at home. Move quicker time...