I cry through my skin.

Mar 31, 2006 at 02:55 o\clock

Heartbreak

Mood: Depressed/suicidal

Guess who got her heart broken....Again? Yeah, me. Skye broke up with me. I guess I can't be too surprised, everyone has been riding on her to do it...But, it just hurts. I really thought she was the one...I thought she was my one true love, the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Now I find out she's not and....It hurts. It happened yesterday, but it just really set in. I'm single...I can't believe it. No wonder though...I'm nothing short of monsterous. Who would ever love someone like me? Ha, I'm actually surprised she didn't break up with me sooner. She should have. But, all her promises now become lies...She promised she'd never break my heart, or hurt me, or break up with me. She lied. I give up on love. Fuck it. Who needs love? I'll go die alone in a house full of cats or some other random animal on top of a godforesaken hill with a dead lawn. I don't know what to do now...For the past 14 ,months, I've been thinking...This is it, this is the person I'm going to build my future with. Now, she's gone. Well, no, she's not gone...She's just not mine.  I really want to kill myself...I have a blade and everything...But I can't. It's my sister's birthday today I can't kill myself until Monday at the earliest because my sister's party is on Saturday and I don't want to ruin that by dying and everybody has to pretend to be sad if I'm dead...Sunday, I'll be at home...And I don't want to die at home. My mum might walk in before I'm beyond help and then I get to live. And then, there is Monday...Which, feels forever away. It's not a for sure yet...I have to see what happens between now and then...But, I think it will be...I just don't want to live anymore.

Mar 28, 2006 at 00:13 o\clock

Still alive

Mood: Depressed, lonley, suicidal

 Sorry I haven't written in so long, so much random drama has happened though. Most recent of which being, I spent 5 days in the psyche ward due to a suicide attempt that didn't quite pan out. All of you people who think that sort of stuff helps? You're wrong. Ever since getting out, I've felt worse. Now, I'm going to be going to a therapist on a regular basis and a group for people with issues with self injury and another for eating disorder people. Aren't I special? Besides the psyche ward, another one of my Aunt's was diagnosed with cancer. Hers is breast cancer. She'll be having her boob chopped off on April 3rd, mark your calenders. Skye also might have cancer...She's going into surgery in about a week. WHY DOES EVERYONE GET CANCER?!?! Other than that...Not a whole lot in my world. I'm debating on whether or not I should make another attempt at suicide tomorrow...Probably not. I don't want to die, I just don't want to live. Does that make any sense? Probably not. Oh, and I'm considering transferring schools. My mum and dad both agree that I should. Did I tell you about that? My dad has become more involved in my life. There's a real shocker. I don't know if transferring is the right thing to do...Yes, school is a big part of what messes with my depression....But, if I transfer, wouldn't I be letting them win? Although, an attempt at suicide probably was letting them win too. Oh well...I'll try to actually write a little more regularly here.