Mood: Depressed, boarderline
I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my frickin' life! I don't know how to make it any clearer! Everyone thinks I'm this happy little yippy-skippy-microbopper, meanwhile I'm in my room cutting myself open. I just want to cut my wrists and see if anyone gives a damn. People keep pressing me to get professional help(that's not directed at you, Mey<3). My friend Audrey spent nearly an hour on the phone with me yesterday trying to get me to telll my mum about my issues so I can go see a shrink. I don't want to see a shrink. I don't want to pay someone $150 an hour to judge me. But, more than that, I would rather cut off my right arm with a dull blade than tell my mum ANYTHING that goes on behind this smile. She just doesn't get it. The one time I did let her in on what was going on for real, she started to yell at me and asking why I didn't talk to her about everything. To be brutally honest, I can't. I don't trust her, and this is terriable to say but I don't like her as a person. I know teenagers aren't supossed to feel that way about their mothers, they're supossed to be all angsty and hateful towards them and start loving them at some random point when they 'grow up'. I do love her, I just don't like her. And that's where most the problems lies, I can not talk to someone I don't like. Maybe that's why I'm not good with shrinks either. Out of the three I've seen, I've only liked one. The one I liked, however, was a school shrink and is no longer working for the school I go to. The other two, I couldn't talk to. They talked at me, didn't listen or really care what I said, and then it just felt like they were judging me. It makes it hard to get help when you can't pay for it, you can't talk to the person who can pay for it. and the one time you got help outside of school you disliked the person and couldn't talk to them. My mum has us on a medical plan that offers only the absolute sh*ttiest possiable. Pessemism isn't helpful, I know, but it's hard to keep focusing on the tiny pinprick of light far off in the distance. And it's getting smaller all the time. Every time I look in the mirror, or put on a pair of pants, or attempt to connect with kids my own age....It gets farther away and harder to focus on.
