I cry through my skin.

Jan 28, 2006 at 20:28 o\clock

Who's an idiot?

Mood: Ugly, fat, pissed, depressed...Angsty.

 My mum found all my diet pills and confinscated them. Just great...I knew I shouldn't have kept them where they were easy access...But since I'm not able to shut my door...I couldn't go digging through the depts of my closet at random times...That would look suspicious. I hate my mother for going through all my stuff. What business of hers is it if I use some pills to help speed up my metabolism? She's such a b***h. I know, you all think she's just looking out for me...No she's not!!!! She's a spiteful old woman who has too much free times on her hands and heaven forbid I'm actually doing something that makes me happy for once in my god damned life. Not that it matters, I'm fat and ugly...I was born fat and ugly I always will be fat and ugly and I think I'm just going to give up on eating. If she thinks she can screw up my diet by taking away my pills...She's wrong! I can find different ways to fuck myself over.

Jan 26, 2006 at 04:21 o\clock

Drama...

Mood: Ugly, depressed, borderline...

 I am so sick of all the stupid drama that goes on around me. Yesterday, the cops were at my house for 45 minutes because apparantly I had cut my wrists with broken glass. I managed to lie my way out of going to the loony bin but now my mum wants me to go get a shrink...Absolutely perfect. If I wanted a shrink, I'd get one. I don't want some random person sitting there judging me! People who go and get professional help tell me they're there to help, not judge...Honestly, that's great for some people but not for me. I'm different...I don't want to talk about my problems to someone who is a complete stranger and paid to listen to me complain and be depressed.  To me, that's just someone cynical. I mean, think about it, the only way you make your livelihood is by people being messed up.  Oh, yeah, Skye and I got into a fight because...Honestly, I don't know why. But it involved a lot of tears, a lot of hurt feelings, and razors in the bathroom while I was supossed to be in class.  Girls are so mean. They make eachother feel like shit. You all know about me being bulimic, right? Well, some of my friends know and they tell me "You look like you eat WAAY too much Kat...Are you just pretending?" You have no clue how much that hurt...I know it's stupid, but I came home and threw up until I was heaving nothing but blood:-\. I wish I were pretending...I wish that I could like the way I look or lose weight without taking extreme measures...But I'm not, and I can't.  Life just seems so hopeless...I don't want to be here anymore.

Jan 24, 2006 at 05:16 o\clock

:-\

Mood: Hungry, depressed, ugly

 Today is one of those days where I just can't be supportive of anyone. That's a big problem for me because everyone leans on me. Skye and I got into a fight about my cutting...Basically, she wanted me to stop and I didn't want to. Yeah, yeah, how sophmoric of me...But seriously...Right now, I just can't. I almost wish I could...It'd just make everything so much simpler. But, I feel so out of control with everything...I really hate myself today. I'm so depressed...Why is it when I get depressed I hate myself? I know it's stupid...So why is it a habit I can't defeat? Blah. At least I know these are my choices...I'm fucking myself over.

Jan 23, 2006 at 04:00 o\clock

Diet pills.

Mood: Jittery, suicidal, angry..

 I hate myself so much. HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate myself for doing terriable things to myself...I hate myself for being too leanant...I hate myself for thinking too much, I hate myself for not thinkign enough...AND I FUCKING HATE MYSELF FOR TAKING ALL THOSE GOD DAMNED PILLS!!! I'm not cut out to be a 'hardcore' anorexic pill abuser. I've taken over 500mg of caffiene in the last 12 hours...And I seriously can't handle it. I want to tear off my fucking skin and stop all feeling. I have $90 worth of diet pills...I took two pure caffiene pills, two apeitite surpressants and one apeitite surpressant/caffiene pill/metabolism booster.Never ever ever ever do that. NEVER. I swear, you'll kill yourself later. I feel like kill myself right now for it. I feel like I'm going to faint. I FUCKING HATE MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD DAMN ME!!!!!!!

Jan 23, 2006 at 02:26 o\clock

Irony

Mood: Depressed

 Want to hear something ironic? The more weight I lose, the worse I feel about myself. The worse I feel about myself, the more I cut. The more I cut, the less I eat and the more I excersize to keep myself from cutting and the more weight I lose. This cycle sucks.  I've started taking diet pills...Stacker 3. So far, no big difference but today is the first day I've started taking them. I'm really depressed and I don't want to go to school tomorrow. 

Jan 21, 2006 at 00:27 o\clock

Open book

Mood: Depressed, confused.

 How is it somehow everyone magically seems to know everything about me? Somehow, someone found out I cut...And now, all of the myspace community knows it. I'm going to play it cool, of course. They'll all ask to see my wrists-HA! Joke's on them. I don't cut my wrists. I don't even know what I want that I think will make me happy anymore. You know what I think I want? I think I want to just forget everyone and everything. I just wish that I could go away for a while and then come back when everyone has forgotten about me.

Jan 19, 2006 at 04:59 o\clock

Eh...

Mood: Not good, not bad...Not really okay either.

 Guess what? We, that is my family and I, may foster a special needs baby!!! I really hope we do, I positivly love children. I'm not sure how today went, I mean I don't know whether to classify it as good or bad. I got poor grades on the tests I took on Friday, but I expected that, and I cut myself, and I threw up rather than starving myself, and I didn't excersize nearly enough and I got called fat. But,  I got to stand out in the rain for about 20 minutes, a girl who I want to be friend's with talked to me(I pick out people I want to befriend randomly), Skye was a sweetiepie to me, and I was in a generally good mood the whole day long. My question now is, if I've been happy for the day, why did I cut? It's a self destructive habit and definantly one I need to watch. I don't think I should seriously hurt myself with it. I know I'll regret my scars later, no matter how I feel in the present. Maybe tomorrow will bring happiness.

Jan 18, 2006 at 03:40 o\clock

Gah.

Mood: Doomed, depressed, lonely

 I thought today was going to be good...I really did. I went to school content, and ready to make the day be good. Still, it turned out like crap. Most of the day was actually good...Until after school. After school things went to Hell. My friend, Audrey, and I are fellow anorexics, if we were less extreme about our eating habits, we'd be called diet buddies. Well, we decided we wanted to join a gym together, and we were going to go check it out today. Well, I mentioned it to my other friend, who invited herself along. I honestly didn't think much of it, but then Audrey got really upset and put out about it. It turned out to be this whole huge ordeal that I got caught in the middle of and that ruined the day. Then my friend started dissing my girlfriend, which I got kind of put out about and worried about. Then she started asking me all these weird questions, like if I thought she and I(my girlfriend and I, that is) were going to last, if I thought she was having an affair, if I trusted her, all this weird stuff that she KNOWS is going to worry me! She's know me since 7th grade, she knows I have problems with paranoia and trusting people hasn't been one of my strong suits in a really long time. When I asked her about it though, she got mad at me and was like "No, I don't know anything. I'm just asking, Jesus." I know it's stupid of me to be paranoid by a bunch of questions, but I can't help but worry. I don't want to lose Skye. I know it's a one in a billion chance of finding your one true love when you're a kid still, but I don't want to believe that it won't happen. I don't want to believe that she won't be the one for me someday and that we won't be together. I know it's juvenile, but I need SOMETHING. I mean, I love her. Honest to God, I do. Some people say I'm too young to know what love really is, well maybe I am. But what I'm feeling I can only classify as love. When or if the time comes that we break up, I'll deal with it. But right now, I just need to pretend that happily ever after is real and that I'm going to get one.

Jan 17, 2006 at 04:26 o\clock

I hate my life.

Mood: Depressed, boarderline

 I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my frickin' life! I don't know how to make it any clearer! Everyone thinks I'm this happy little yippy-skippy-microbopper, meanwhile I'm in my room cutting myself open. I just want to cut my wrists and see if anyone gives a damn. People keep pressing me to get professional help(that's not directed at you, Mey<3). My friend Audrey spent nearly an hour on the phone with me yesterday trying to get me to telll my mum about my issues so I can go see a shrink. I don't want to see a shrink. I don't want to pay someone $150 an hour to judge me. But, more than that, I would rather cut off my right arm with a dull blade than tell my mum ANYTHING that goes on behind this smile. She just doesn't get it. The one time I did let her in on what was going on for real, she started to yell at me and asking why I didn't talk to her about everything. To be brutally honest, I can't. I don't trust her, and this is terriable to say but I don't like her as a person. I know teenagers aren't supossed to feel that way about their mothers, they're supossed to be all angsty and hateful towards them and start loving them at some random point when they 'grow up'. I do love her, I just don't like her. And that's where most the problems lies, I can not talk to someone I don't like.  Maybe that's why I'm not good with shrinks either. Out of the three I've seen, I've only liked one. The one I liked, however, was a school shrink and is no longer working for the school I go to. The other two, I couldn't talk to. They talked at me, didn't listen or really care what I said, and then it just felt like they were judging me. It makes it hard to get help when you can't pay for it, you can't talk to the person who can pay for it. and the one time you got help outside of school you disliked the person and couldn't talk to them. My mum has us on a medical plan that offers only the absolute sh*ttiest possiable. Pessemism isn't helpful, I know, but it's hard to keep focusing on the tiny pinprick of light far off in the distance. And it's getting smaller all the time. Every time I look in the mirror, or put on a pair of pants, or attempt to connect with kids my own age....It gets farther away and harder to focus on.

Jan 14, 2006 at 01:54 o\clock

Seperated

Mood: Depressed

 Have you ever felt so detatched from everything around you that you feel like you're dead? Or that the world you're living in is just a movie and you're a spectator? I feel that way. It's like I'm not even living anymore. I almost wish I weren't. Well...I can't quite say that. It's just that, I'm not sure I want to live but I'm not so sure I don't.  Nobody knows I feel this way...Everyone thinks I'm a happy, bouncy, teenager like I potray. Lately I find myself less and less involved in things that used to make me feel, content if not happy.They just don't make me happy like they used to, I don't know what changed...Me or them but something definantly did. At this  point I just want to curl up in my bed and never get up again. I guess I won't though. Time to take some more painkillers...Shame they only work on physical pain.

Jan 12, 2006 at 19:11 o\clock

See? I didn't fall off the face of the Earth.

Mood: Depressed, sick, lethargic

 My phoneline has been broken for over a week, I couldn't get online. In said week, however, a few different things have happened. Sadly enough, none of them are good. Skye's mum thought Skye and I were doing it when I was staying the night at her house, so now Skye is very grounded and her mother thinks I'm a two bit floozy. MPD is causing a lot of problems, someone will say I said something just God awful that I wouldn't dream of saying and I won't remember it so we get into a spat about it. The fun of being more than one person sharing a body.  And I've taken up full-fledged cutting and anorexia again. I know both are bad ideas, but right now I just don't want to deal with anything. Oh, yeah, and I'm home sick with some random ailemnt that makes me feel,like I'm slowly dying. But, there is good news, I just watched someone save a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico.

Jan 3, 2006 at 22:20 o\clock

Miss me?

Mood: Depressed

 Sorry for not writing in so long...It's been storming and flooding and my AOL spazzed and decided not to work since my last entry. I'm sad to report nothing of real consequence has happened. Depression still sucks and still has ahold of me, my family still drives me bonkers, and nobody seems to understand.