I cry through my skin.

Dec 27, 2005 at 04:50 o\clock

Too much.

Mood: Overwhelmed, depressed, confused

 I can't take this!! I'm dying on the inside and absolutely nobody can help. Nobody understands. My Dad wants me to move in with him...I don't know if I want to or not. Skye didn't bother even calling me today and it's our aniversary. Sooo...I feel hated now. I should just die. Send a knife through my heart...What's left of it at least.

Dec 24, 2005 at 04:29 o\clock

Baby steps

Mood: Super depressed.

 Sorry I didn't write yesterday...I couldn't. I didn't do anything yesterday...I couldn't even talk to Skye on the phone...I gave her the brushoff, which is very unlike me. I guess I'm better today...Compared to yesterday at least. I got up and did things...I baked for my mum, made dinner, ran errands, even managed a smile or two. I know it doesn't sound like much, but I've been so down lately that I haven't done anything. I could barely leave my room...So, I guess it's a posative sign. Tomorrow is Christmas eve!!!! Yay! My mum's side of the family(the side I live with) celebrates on Christmas eve...My dad's celebrates Christmas day. I get two Christmases(?) this year. Wooo! I talked to Skye for more than 30 seconds today as well...9 minutes 40 seconds. Truth be told, I really didn't want to talk on the phone...It wasn't personal, I love Skye, but despite all the things I've gotten back to doing...Talking doesn't happen to be one of them. Not that talking requires much thought, everyone requires the same generic responses to the same generic statements. Conversation is a joke really, nothing is said but words are still uttered. My take on it is, why say anything if you have nothing to say? I guess it makes people feel closer to eachother if they can say the same things over and over and they still feel like the other person is listening and responding with new words each time. That's probably why I don't have very many friends...I don't like to talk unless there is something real to talk about.  I know it's terriable of me to hate talking to people...Especially someone so close and dear to me. But, I really can't make myself do it right now...I'm just trying to find a way around this paralyzing depression. If I can make myself get out of bed and get dressed, it's consideered an accomplishment right now. I always get this way over vacations...Depression devours me because my idle mind breeds more dark feelings and thoughts. I'd like to try volunteer work to see if it helps, but I can't get around town and my mum doesn't like me to go out very much. Well, I guess I'll just take small steps towards normal depressed me instead of super depressed me. Hopefully by the time school rolls around I'll be able to get out of bed without fighting with myself about it.

Dec 22, 2005 at 03:28 o\clock

Crying.

Mood: Beyond describable depression

 I seriously have no clue what just happened...But all of the sudden I'm crying and I don't know why. I hate crying! Crying is for babies! I'm not a baby...Far from it...I'm such a hypocrit though. I tell my loved ones it's fine to cry and that it's good for them...And then I go around and tell myself that crying makes me weak and is a horriable thing to do. I hate bitter salty tears though...And I hate the absolute feeling of desolation that comes with crying. I just want to lay down and die.

Dec 21, 2005 at 03:29 o\clock

Depression...Wee.

Mood: Depressed

 You know, I was doing alright for the majority of the day...Then all of the sudden, out of nowhere, WHAMO! Killer depression hit me hard. I really do wonder what's the matter with me...No one else seems to have the same feelngs as I do. I can be surrounded by people...But still feel like there is absolutely no one near. I guess I'm just crazy to have all these feelings...I'm 15 years old!! How can I feel like this already?! How can I feel like every breath I take is another mistake and that the world really would be better off if I died? I'm not supossed to feel like this...I'm supossed to be happy and giggly and be living it up...These are supossedly the best years of my life! Highschool is supossed to be the best time you'll ever have...The peak of everything. If that's true...I'm killing myself graudation night. If I've peaked my happiness already, life is NOT worth living. I can't imagine feeling much worse than this...Let alone on a day to day basis! It would be unbearable...I'm not very good at describing depression...But here's an attempt to show you how I feel on a daily basis...Darkness devours everything. It allows no light, no love, no happiness to penetrate and there is nothing in my world but hate, dispair, devestation, and resignation to the deepest circle of Hell. Maybe this is Hell. Have you ever thought of that? Maybe life is Hell...And Hell is really what life is like. Maybe everyone is being punished except for the early deaths and the suicide people. Wow that's a depressing though. But, what if it's true? It seems logical enough for my case...I already died and now I'm being punished through what we think is life but it's really the after-life and ghosts are really people but people are really ghosts... Kind of a backwards land. That's an interesting thought to ponder over. I could already be dead. Maybe I should go be born then.

Dec 20, 2005 at 07:10 o\clock

Reocognize yourself

Mood: Depressed

 Have you ever glanced at yourself in the mirror and not recognized yourself? Not actually looked...Just glanced, unintentionally and maybe freaked out and thought that someone you didn't know was in your room? I have...I can honestly say it's hard to recognize myself nowadays. I'm waiting for it to register that the sullen looking girl in the mirror with the sad eyes is me. I hope something good happens tomorrow...

Dec 19, 2005 at 02:56 o\clock

Party recap

Mood: Distressed

 The party last night/today REALLY sucked. I was ready to go home before the first hour was up...Everyone thinks I'm anorexic because I wouldn't eat at the party. Okay, sort of kind of, but I have a huge rule that I break only when my mother is concerned:I never eat in front of people. I guess I hold on the old stereotype that fat people are fat because they eat all the time and that if no one sees me eat maybe they won't think I'm fat. I know, it's stupid, but hey...Stupidity is my speciality. It seems to be everyone's specialty this week though...Kaddie(the girl who's party it was) was hypnotizing people and sending them into their past lives...First off, that is one of the stupidest things to do if you are NOT well trained in it but second off it's even stupider in a house full of spirits that you don't know!! It was Kaddie's new house and there is an evil spirit in there...Yet despite everyone's warnings she went ahead and played with the ouija board and hypnotized people. She hypnotized Skye...Skye has MPD, hypnotizing a person with MPD and sending them into a state where a spirit could potentially enter their body is DANGEROUS. If a spirit enters the body of the MPD person, then it gets stuck there! And, more added fun, it's an evil spirit! Do you know how hard it is to watch someone you love...Who isn't really the person you love? They're the right body...But it's the wrong person...And you can see it in their eyes and then they pretend to be them. Maybe you people think I'm being paranoid...Seriously, I'm not. I have on and off psychic powers...Now, I know it sounds wacko...But it's totally true.

 Oh, but on the semi brighter side...Skye and I have re-established our relationship...Yay for love.

Dec 17, 2005 at 05:17 o\clock

It's Christmas!

Mood: Happy, bouncy, hyper

 Guess what? For the first time in two years...It's Christmas. I feel it...For the past two years I haven't felt like it's Christmas...I felt like it was just another ordinary day except for holiday themed TV...But now, I feel like it's the holiday season. I don't know what caused this random holiday spirit...But, I like it! Yaay!!! You better not shout, you beter not pout, you better not cry I'm telling you why...Santa Clause is coming to town! Yeah, this is good mood Kat. Tomorrow I'm going to a party. Yay!  And guess what? Every kiss begins with K...So does Kat...Kissy Kat...Hehe. Finally, the happiness I've been waiting for!

Dec 16, 2005 at 18:24 o\clock

At school

Mood: Sllightly depressed

 I'm at the Hellish school right now...I have about 40 min before I actuallly have to be to class...It's my final final and then it's winter break! I'm not really excited about break...I just pretend to be because it's easier that way. 2 weeks of absolute nothing...Fun fun. I guess I'm in an okay mood today...I woke up in pscyho-b*tch mood...But it's improved and now I'm just a regular b*tch. On a bright note, I got marbles! Woo, marbles! Yeah, at school I'm more of a dork than usual. There is nothing to really write about right now...So I guess I'll stop my yammering. I just wanted to post from school.

Dec 16, 2005 at 00:25 o\clock

Feeling better.

Mood: Pure

 I'm feeling better today...Kind of washed clean and started over. I wrote down everything I was feeling to Skye...All my concerns and bad feelings about where we are and where we've gone...And of course how much I love her. And I told off the jack@$$es that have been depressing me on so many levels since the month's beginging.  I might go firedancing with my Dad tonight..I hope I can. Fire cleans everything.

Dec 15, 2005 at 01:58 o\clock

Sucker punch

Mood: Suicidal, depressed

 Sometimes life can really hit you hard, right in the weak spot too. Life just KOed me. I guess I'm being distant to everyone...That's what my ex best friend Nicki says anyways. Skye told her that I'm being distant and unclear about what I want. Apparantly I cheated on her with my friend Emily....Which I didn't. THIS WHOLE FRICKING WEEK IS JUST HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't even want to bother living anymore! It just isn't worth it! All this pain isn't worth the breath I take in...All the sad moments aren't cancled out by the happy ones...This is just too much for me...I can't keep doing everything all by myself....I hate my life so much right now. I don't even deserve to live...I'm a horriable person which is why I'm getting all this pain. I should just go drink bleach and die.

Dec 14, 2005 at 05:33 o\clock

They want me to die

Mood: Suicidal, confused, hurt, depressed

 My life is a big black hole. All the light is devoured by the pain and misery. People want me to die, they actually told me to go and kill myself. I wish I could! I wish I didn't have to keep living...I don't know why I can't die...Maybe I should have cut a little deeper on my wrist...Or maybe I shouldn't have stopped halfway through. Nobody wants me on this earth...Nobody at all. I'm nothing to everyone and I'm just taking up valuable resources that other people could use. How should I die though? Slowly? Quickly? And everyone thinks I'm a whore! Somehow everyone thinks I cheated on Skye...Even though I didn't!! I feel like I'm screaming the same thing at the top of my lungs over and over again and nobody even bothers to listen. Why do people think that I cheated? I WOULD NEVER CHEAT!!! NEVER NEVER NEVER!!!!!!!!!!! I'M NOT A STUPID WHORE!!! I'm so tired of everyone hating me...I don't even know why they hate me. Why do they hate me? Why am I such a terriable person that everyone wants me to die and makes up terriable rumors about me? Why me?! What did I do! I can't handle this..This life...All this depression...Everything is just too much and I'm going to explode. I feel tears well up in my eyes...I blink them away. Crying makes me weak. I'm already weak though...My wrist is proof. I should just go the rest of the way and kill myself...It'd be the best thing to do. I'd be doing everyone in the world a favor. I don't know...If I knew my death would make everything better I'd do it! I'd take a razor to my throat in a second if I thought it would help! I don't know if it will help though....I'm just so confused and hurt right now...I just want everything to stop...I want to retreat and hibernate until things blow over. I can't though...I have to stick this through...I blame birth controle of the 90/80s.

Dec 14, 2005 at 00:27 o\clock

Screwed for life.

Mood: Depressed

 Guess who had a terirable day? The same person that always has a terriable day. And guess who screwed herself over royally? The same person that always screws herself over royally!! Allow me to explain though...Yesterday, I asked Skye if she was doing drugs because people have been talking a lot lately and I had to know. She wasn't and she got really upset about it. So blah, blah we made up about it and we were on the same page until lunchtime...We were talking to her friend Kaddie and then Kaddie started talking about how Skye was hooking her up...Which Skye thinks I don't know about. I love it when people think I'm stupid...Just because I turn the blinde eye doesn't mean jack sh*t. THen I switched out...And the next thing I know Skye is storming off the other way and calling me a whore. Needless to say, that pushed me over the edge. Now here's the part where I royally screw myself over, Fumes(alter of mine) talks to me and tells me that Skye broke up with me...And that it's all my fault. So, I go into a bathroom stall...Write my suicide note...Cut open my left wrist...THen some girls come into the bathroom and I quickly hide my boxcutter(I always carry a boxcutter around with me...) and then Skye comes into the bathroom and calls for me. I stay quiet, of course, but she looks over the stall walls and sees me.So then we talk...And she tells me I have to decide what we're going to do in our relationship...So...THe bell rings and I spend the next period bleeding from my self inflicted wound and crying but trying badly to hide it. So, yeah, long story short...Skye and I are still together but I have a cut wrist that I'm really not sure how to hide because I had every intention to die so I didn't bother making it light and easy to just cover up.So yeah, I'm screwed...I have a cut on my wrist that no one can know about....But, I still have a relationship. For now...

Dec 13, 2005 at 01:52 o\clock

I'm a mistake

Mood: Rejected, hurt, misled

 My mum randomly told me today that she never wanted me. She told me that I was a mistake and that she had taken a lot of steps against having me. She'd even taken a pill that prevented the sperm fuzing with the egg. And then she told me that she was going to abort me but couldn't get to the doctors office and then she couldn't kill me when I was born. I don't know what on Earth brought that up...But that was one of the most upsetting things I've heard in a while. Oh, but I threw a hissy fit today. I found out for sure that Skye is still doing drugs. Do you know how much that piffed me off? I gave up drinking for her! And, despite my curiousity and normal willingness to explore, I've never ever done drugs ever! I got so mad...I actually confronted her about it which is very out of charecteristic. Of course, I confronted her through a note...But still...I have to see what happens tomorrow...I'll let you know. Right now I'm going to go be a mistake elsewhere.

Dec 12, 2005 at 02:06 o\clock

Fat Kat

Mood: Repulsed, fat, ugly.
Listening to: Spongebob!

 I don't know which is sadder...People forcing me to eat or the fact that I need to be forced. Maybe I'd eat if food didn't repulse me so much. I find the whole process of eating and just food in general absolutely disgusting. Seriously, think about it, in order to eat whatever you stick in your mouth is encased with salivia and for lack of better words dissolves into your tongue, then you mash it with your teeth and it proceeds down your throat where it is seperated into useable and unuseable...The useable stuff goes to your body and is stored away until needed and the unuseable stuff comes out the other end. And then if you look at your food after you take a bite...It's nausiating. Look really closely at your meat and think about where it came from...Think about everything that is in it. Nerve endings, flesh that was once living and breathing, whatever you're eating's calories. I can't stand eating meat...It makes me want to puke. Bread is alright...But my mum wouldn't let me get away with just eating the bread off a nasty cheeseburger. Nope, I had to eat the cow's nerve endings as well. I'd gotten away without eating for 2 whole days!!! If I had gotten through today to then I would have been content...But nooo...I can't do that because everyone wants me to be a fat@$$. Well, you know what? The joke is on them...Because now I'm going to go excersize until every last calorie has been burnt away and I'm back where I started because now I'm repulsed with myself and how much I ate. In one day...Normal people eat enough to feed 20 African children for a week...I don't want to go to Africa and eat obese portions of food. I just want to be thin and pretty like everyone else in the world...Maybe if I'm at least normal looking on the outside people will leave me only. Time to go excersize now.

Dec 11, 2005 at 05:49 o\clock

Sick

Mood: Sick
Listening to: Drake and Josh-TV show

 I'm sick today. Being sick sucks. If I find out who got me sick I'm going to inflict pain upon their bones...Well, not really of course but I shall pretend. I saw the Chronicles of Narnia today...It was such a kickbutt movie!!! Woo! I feel fat...Blah. I guess I'm not particularly depressed today...But not happy either. Nothing relaly to write about so I'm gonna go now.

Dec 9, 2005 at 01:33 o\clock

It all falls down

Mood: SUicidal, resigned.

 I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of everything being a struggle....What am I fighting for anyways? Skye and I got into another fight today...I don't know what's wrong with us lately...We used to be so perfect together...We never used to fight. Is our relationship disinigrating? We spent about 20 minutes figuring out if we should break up or not...Well, rather, she told me I had to decide because every decision she makes goes to heck. The entire time she was telling me to choose whether or not we break up I just wanted to burst into tears and tell her how much I love her and how I never want to break up with her...I didn't of course. I guess this is where my cold detatchment comes into play...I can't ever let anyone else see me cry. It's physically impossiable no matter how sad I am. It seems like everything I thought was stable isn't...It all crumbles eventually. Even I will soon crumble...But when I fall it will be into a pool of my own blood and tears.

Dec 8, 2005 at 04:54 o\clock

Just can't talk.

Mood: So close to death...
Listening to: Anime TV

 I hated today. I really can't talk about it...But I'm balanced on the edge of a razor...If I slip either way...I die.

Dec 7, 2005 at 03:00 o\clock

Depressed

Mood: Depressed, borderline suicidal.
Listening to: Eminem-Lose yourself on MTV2

  Why do people wear hoods over their hands? And why do they make happy little rap songs in hopes of raising people's self esteeme and then put these stereotypical barbies in the music videos? I'm feeling contemplative this week...My kitty cat scratched up my finger and it hurts.*Cry* My friend Ian got me in trouble with Skye today...I was trying to hug him because I'm the most affectionate girl ever born into existance(I know, I've said I'm unaffectionate but it varies with my moods) and then Skye came up and Ian was like "SHE WAS HITTING ON ME!!" Then, of course, Skye believed it and got upset. Like I would!!!! I'm as faithful as they come...I've never even looked at anyone else!! It hurts me that she would believe anyting else. We smoothed it over in about 2 minutes though...And, I found out something semi-interesting. This girl who I was convinced was plotting my death and hated the ground I stepped on really doesn't. Hmm...Someone doesn't hate me. Shock. I'm feeling so very pessemistic this week. I don't think it's going to be good a week. I hate the way people look at me every single time I say something...It's like I'm speaking a different a langauge and I have two heads. Why is that? Did everything I say suddenly become so absurd people have to stare? I don't know...I guess I'm just depressed today. I wish my mood would lift back up...You can't miss what you never knew...Hypothetically...So I wish I'd never had a happy moment in my life. I know, it's terriable but if you've never been happy and you don't know what happy is technically you can't be sad. I don't really wish I'd never had a happy moment in my life...I just wish depression didn't dominate everything. Remember this boys and girls:Drugs, suicide, and alcohol are not the answer. What the media neglects to inform us, however, is what the answer is. Just suddenly be happy? Right.  The media doesn't suffer from depression. I've tried alcohol and suicide...They haven't worked which is the reason why I'm assuming drugs don't as well. Well, if anyone out there HAS the answer and cares to share it with a depressed girl in California...I'd be much oblidged.

Dec 6, 2005 at 00:33 o\clock

Time makes us fools

Mood: Contemplative, depressed, scared.
Listening to: AFI-Black Sails in the SUnset

 Time saddens me...It changes so much, it destroys so much. I was walking through the park last night and saw an old friend of mine, when I had lost saw her she was very straight-edge, very happy, very pretty, and she was just her own person. I saw her, and hardly recognized her. She was so high it's a wonder she wasn't burnt up from the atmosphere, her hair was bedraggled, she looked like she'd been sad for a long time...She looked right through me. I guess I've disliked time for a while...I see what it does to people. The old grow older and past, the little babies grow up and start doing things you remember doing(I.E. Going into 5th grade...Obsessing over a silly school-yard crush.) and you just can't help but wonder what happened to the little babies. I know it's impossiable to beat time, but I'm somewhat afraid of it. All it takes is time to change someone into a completely different person...Which makes me wonder; who will I be in 5 years? Will I still be a manic depressive with out of control MPD? Will I be happy and somehow magically afford the therapy it takes to integrate my alters(the closest thing to a cure for MPD.)? And here comes the hardest question; will I still be with Skye? It's hard to imagine anything but the present. I can't imagine not having my alters to take over in situations I can't handle and not being able to speak with them. I can't really imagine being consistantly happy either. Logically, I know that my depression can't last forever...Some time it has to get better...But what I don't know, is when? I suposse eventually I'll figure everything out...Right now, time scares me. I'm afraid of the dark mystery that coats the future.

Dec 5, 2005 at 02:44 o\clock

Good mood:)

Mood: Content
Listening to: my sister decorate ginerbread house.

 Today, surprisingly, has been rather good. I expected it to be emo and sad like yesterday was. I went to a strip mall with my mum and I got to wander around by myself for about an hour. It was nice just to be by myself somewhere that wasn't confining like my room is. One of my alters spent my money on makeup*rawr* but I got to see what was out there and I got lipbalm! Which I desperetly need because my lips have gotten so chapped that they're bleeding. Then, my mum got me a ginderbread house that I got to decorate. Which was fun...I got frosting everywhere...Except for the house that is. Then I had a sugar high so I ran down to the convience store that I like and got headphones because my little sister broke my other ones. I've been in high spirits all day. The day would have been better if I'd been able to talk with Skye again but you can't have it all I suposse. Let's hope tomorrow my mood doesn't break. Although...My horoscope says I'm getting into fights. Nooo!!! Please no fights!