I cry through my skin.

Nov 30, 2005 at 00:17 o\clock

One of the worse days of my life...And it's still not over.

Mood: Suicidal
Listening to: AFI-Miseria Cantre

 Today has been one of the worst days of my life. I don't think I've felt this bad in a loooong time. I thought I was depressed before? Heck! I trade to be there now. I got into several fights with Skye today...She stormed off on me. She thinks I broke up with her!!! I didn't frickin' break up with her...I love her so much. I couldn't break up with her if I wanted to!!! So, after school I confronted her...And people have been spreading rumors and she believes them. Do you know how much that hurts? You think someone knows you, you think they really know who you are and what you would and would not do...Then you find out they believe some stupid rumors. So, I lost it because today has been my emo day. I started yelling and crying...Telling her that everyone hates me and that I love her. She still doesn't believe me...I couldn't take it...I ran off. A very out of charecteristic thing to do. I ran off crying...I don't know if I'm single now or not...I have to call her after I calm down a bit. Wow, I actually have plans to call someone. This is a shocker.

 Oh, and I gave my speech today. I had invited my dad, and he actually showed up. Everyone says that I did the best...I really hope I did well. It's probably just because my friends were there...They made it sound like I was better than I was. I don't know when I find out whether or not I go to the next round...But everyone is saying I definantly won.

Nov 29, 2005 at 01:46 o\clock

Rawr

Mood: ANnoyed, scared

 Today has been very odd. My emotions have gone up and down like a roller coaster. Today guys have flirted with me left and right and I'm readgh to give the next one a fat lip.  It's probably because I'm growing in some of my northern regions and shrinking in a central part. I hate being judged by my looks...I'M AN UGLY FAT DYKE BACK OFF!!!!! I would have said that to the guys but I'm a little more timid in real life if you meet me. I guess now that I'm off the market and have been for nearly a year...I'm starting to attract attention. Well, you know what? I don't care. First off, I don't like guys...Second off...I'm head over heals for my girlfriend and she's the only one I ever want. Next guy that flirts with me...Is assigned a big, fat lip.

 Tomorrow I'm giving my speech...Wish my luck. I'm terrified. I found out it's going to be in front of 100 people. That's over 3 times the audience I had last time!!!!!! I'm going to stand up in front of 100 people and tell them I'm gay...I feel like I'm going to faint.

Nov 27, 2005 at 02:02 o\clock

Big idiot.

Mood: Nervous, stupid, lonely
Listening to: Mother's conversation with Cassie

 You are looking at a big fat idiot!! Well...Actually...You can't look at me because I have no picture of myself on here... There! The world's biggest idiot! Care to know why I have given myself such a title? No? Too bad. I called my Dad today...I invited him to hear my speech(did I mention I'm giving a speech as a semi-finalist in a contest at my school on Tuesday?). I didn't get to talk to him...But I left an invite on his voicemail. If he does come...He gets to hear a passionate speech about gay marriage and probably gets to see me interact with my girlfriend who he doesn't know about. If he doesn't come, he'll call me and offer some half-assed apology for not showing up which is worse than him rejecting me for my sexuality. None of this matters though. I miss Skye...It's our 10 month aniversary now. Yaay!!! We have made it 10 whole months...I can't call her either because I distract her from her school work that we don't have because it's vacation.</3. Only 2 more days until school starts...Only 3 more days until I give my speech..,.God only knows how long it will be until I drive myself insane with all these numbers. I guess I'll do my homework now.

Nov 25, 2005 at 20:20 o\clock

Hate...Pissed.

Mood: Pissed off.

 Wow....I make an effort to do something and it backfires. I tried to organize a nice day with my family and it backfires in my face because my sister is a brat. I hate her. I really wish I could destroy her from the inside out. I know, I'm a horriable person for feeling this way...But still. There is a limit to how much I can take before I want to hit someone. My stupid sister has been pushing that limit ever since we came to California 11 years ago and she learned to talk. Honestly? If I was offered the choice to clobber her upside the head with a baseball bat without conciquences I'd do it. I know I'm a bad person.

Nov 24, 2005 at 21:50 o\clock

Turkey Day

Mood: Scared
Listening to: Sounds of family togetherness(bickering, the dead turkey body being forced to dance)

 Thanksgiving...It is upon my family. It's not like everyone goes all psycho-turkey obsessed...It's just mum tries to cook and my Grandma usually calls and everything is all family orientated. I miss my family. Not the one I was born into, the one I created of my own choice. I don't really think 'family' has much meeting unless you created it and sometimes it inclued the people that live in the same house as you and share DNA. I don't know if Grandma is going to call this year...I don't know if Thanksgiving is happening on my Dad's side. If it is...Do I want to go? Do I want to go now that I've discovered this whole new part of me and I openly accept it? Do I even want to tell him that about this part? The number one reason why I hate telling people that I'm lesbian is because they think that I'm a completely different person because of it. They think Oh my God! She does not have an attraction for males! THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING ABOUT HER!!! In truth, no it doesn't!! It just means that I've found love in a less conventional place than some. I'm scared to tell him...I don't really want to be rejected by him more than I already have been. I mean, he's going to see me for the first time in 10 1/2 months...Nearly a year. What happens when I tell him? Will he freak? Will he be okay with it? Will he do what my mum did, say that he's okay with it but secretly try to set me up with everything he knows with a penis? Why worry? I might not even get to see him. I don't know though. If I do see him...I don't know how I'm going to tell him. I wasn't even going to tell my mum. My mum found out from two sources. THe first source was the entire school conspiring against me and watching me every moment so they saw me kiss Skye and reported it to my mother. The second source was Skye's mother had a hissy fit because she found out we were dating and tried to get my mum to throw a hissy fit too. My mum knows better than that though. She didn't want to make me 51/50 myself again. However, over the past*almost* 10 months she seems to have forgotten that she has a mental daughter and has comenced in blaming me for everything. But, c'est la vie. It doesn't matter, This day marks the downhill snowball to Christmas where everyone is wound so tightly I just wait for everything to explode. If I see my Dad's side...I'll let you know how it goes. If I don't, I'll let you know how it goes. You just can't seem to get rid of me:-p

Nov 24, 2005 at 02:10 o\clock

Two entries...One day. Dang I'm a sad person.

Mood: Shocked.

 I just found out something that could have knocked me over with a feather. My guy friends like likes me!!! He was asking me advice on how to tell someone that you like them(a topic I've had a lot of expirenence in...Just never actually turned out well for me.</3) and then he just randomly blurted out KAT I LIKE YOU! I used to have the biggest crush on him...Until I met Skye. Then I became all doe-eyed and soft-kneed for her and realized that I honestly don't like guys as anything but friends. I'm really shocked...And now I feel kind of guilty and I don't know why.:-\

Nov 24, 2005 at 02:10 o\clock

Two entries...One day. Dang I'm a sad person.

Mood: Shocked.

 I just found out something that could have knocked me over with a feather. My guy friends like likes me!!! He was asking me advice on how to tell someone that you like them(a topic I've had a lot of expirenence in...Just never actually turned out well for me.</3) and then he just randomly blurted out KAT I LIKE YOU! I used to have the biggest crush on him...Until I met Skye. Then I became all doe-eyed and soft-kneed for her and realized that I honestly don't like guys as anything but friends. I'm really shocked...And now I feel kind of guilty and I don't know why.:-\

Nov 24, 2005 at 01:32 o\clock

Happy*almost* Thanksgiving!!!

Mood: Restless, Unhappy, PMS-y
Listening to: The refridgerator humming.

 I hate being a woman. I hate my period(sorry to any guys reading this). I got it twice last month...And then again this month! What did I do to deserve that?! Is this some weird sign that I have too many hormones and a surplus of blood? Sorry, I'm cranky. Holidays frazzle me more than usual. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving...What am I thankful for? I'm actually thankful for a lot of things...More than I let on. I'm thankful for all my friends who have stuck by me through Hell and back, I'm thankful for my lover who has waited patiently for me to sort through my sh*t, endured my bouts of cold unpentrable and completly random moodswings, and still loved me through it all and not pushed me to do things I'm uncomfertable with. I'm thankful that I'm left alone enough to be what I am and society will no longer imprison me for that, I'm thankful for the times that I am in good health and the people around me are as well, I'm also thankful that despite my stupid habits(the not eating, the purging when I do eat, the over-excersizing, the cutting...All that good stuff.) that I'm still strong enough and well enough to do things like normal people. Maybe those are little things...But they mean the world to me. Honestly they do.

 Today I found a new way to use alllllll the time that vacation is giving me to work against the fat that encases my entire body. For every chapter of a book I read I have to mutiply the last number of the chapter times the number of the pages in the chapter and do that many sit ups(IE chapter 18, 11 pages=88 situps). So far I suppose I've only done around 500 situps. The day is young...And I have 3 3/4s more books to read. Hmm...I wonder if this goes under beneficial or destructive? I don't care either way...And anyone who says anything about it to me will probably be rewarded with an attack of PMS induced rage. Maybe I should drink milk...I really want to go see the new HP movie...Despite the fact that HP makes me want to break things. Honestly? I just want to get away from my thoughts. Reading doesn't do that...Nor does excersize...Nothing on TV catches my atentions...And HP movie is full of fake magic and cheap computer graphics!! Who doesn't want to pay $10 to see that?! Happy Thanksgiving all...Remember what you're thankful for:)

Nov 23, 2005 at 01:46 o\clock

The psychotic redhead blogs again!

Mood: Condemned, doomed, lonely
Listening to: Dishwasher

 It's been nearly a week since I've written...Not by my choice, but my browser kept telling me that this site was hacked and they had to take it offline. It seems like a million years since I've last written...Skye and I got into a spat yesterday...I cut my vein a bit and she saw it...And it upset her. I know it's stupid for me to fuel my self destructive habits...But when nobody finds out about it...Then it doesn't matter because it doesn't hurt anyone. Well, not anyone I care about at least. Her mother hates me. She's not allowed to see me because I 'distract her from her work'...Bullstars. I don't even talk to her outside of school!!!!!!!! I have a weird phone phobia so I don't call her(or anyone for that matter) and I don't live near enough to surprise her randomly with a visit. If she's distracted from her work it because of someone or something else...But not me. I hate how people want to seperate us. It's just mean...If we're meant to break up then we'll do it in our time...But this feels like it's meant to be...It feels like I really did find someone who loves me and wants me because of who I am not what. Why does God(or whatever you care to name the higher power...It's just the most convient term to use) hate me so much? Why does *s*he test me to the point of breaking? Does it give him/her some sick pleasure watching some stupid teenage girl cut herself and hate herself and majority of the people around her? So much for unbounded love and mercy...I know this is odd, but I don't believe in Satan. I don't believe that there is an absolute evil in anyone or anything. I believe that all this doing is a mixture of God's mischief and my own stupidity. Yay stupidity</3. It's Thanksgiving break now. Fun. I get 5 days locked away with my family and my own stupid habits. Maybe I'm just cranky because I've(on my own decision) not eaten for the past 3 days. Probably. And whoever reads this random nonsense is probably screaming at their computer IF YOU EAT, STUPID GIRL, THEN PERHAPS YOU WOULDN'T BE SO DEPRESSED ALL THE TIME!!! Well...Want to know what I have to say to that? ** I might get to see my dad this Thanksgiving...If I do, I'm going to tell him about Skye and me. He should know that his youngest daughter(unless he had another one...Which is entirely possiable) has a girlfriend rather than a boyfriend. If he throws a bunch of sh*t at me about it...I'll tell him that he doesn't have to worry about me getting pregnant...And then I will get out of the car and walk home. Oh, but two good things have happened. I'm going on to semifinals for my sophmore speech and I may have already one a million dollars.

Nov 17, 2005 at 00:05 o\clock

Trapped and useless

Mood: Depressed, and suicidal
Listening to: Six Feet Under...Ironic.

 You know, today I feel really stuck in my life. I feel like I'm tied up and unable to move or even really breathe...Today has not been a good day so far either. At school...Skye still can't hang out with me outside of school because now her grades are too low. Her mother wants to transfer her...But...THe jokes on her. She can't transfer Skye until senior year because it's too late in the year and there is a freeze in transfers between schools. Besides that, my own mother couldn't get me transferred for a whole semester and she works in the school system. I don't see what Skye's mother's problem is though. Why does she hate me so much? I'm poliet to her...I don't touch Skye or anything when I'm around her...I don't unerstand why she hates me. It's not like I turned Skye lesbian...I'm going to be in big trouble though. I slipped shaving and it left a big cut all up my leg...Everyone will think I did it on purpose. No fair...I try so hard to quit cutting...Not for me either, for everyone else who seems to think it's such a bad thing for me to do, and everyone still thinks I do it. You know what I realized as I sat down to go online? It wouldn't matter if I died. It wouldn't matter to anyone. I'm nobody in the world and I do nothing important. All I do is take up space, air, food and water that could be going to someone who deserves it...Someone who is going to do something with their life other than waste it away like I am. I really am a waste of skin, just like everyone keeps telling me. Maybe i should listen to Evette(one of my alters) and kill myself. The city would be better off without me...I'd say the world...But who am I kidding? I don't effect the world...I hardly even effect this city. You know, the sad of it is, I'm not scared of death. All my friends tell me that they're afraid of dying because they don't know what's on the other side...I don't know why it doesn't bother me that this might be it...That once I'm gone I might really be gone. Or, if I do get another chance at life, then I won't remember anything of this one...I won't remember anything of the manic depressive redheaded lesbo I once was. None of this bothers me or makes me sad. The only thing that makes me sad is how much I hurt people. I bring no joy to this world, only pain and suffering. Why stay alive? It makes no difference to anyone whether I'm laying in my bedroom or laying 6 feet under.

Nov 16, 2005 at 04:56 o\clock

Depressed and angry ramblings

Mood: Suspicious, depressed, sick
Listening to: Movie...I have no clue what it is...

 Today I was a grouch. I don't know why but I was in such a prissy mood today that I didn't allow people to touch me. Usually I'm pretty tolerant of being cuddled and petted...People are oh so fond of doing that to me. Today...I just couldn't stand it. Tomorrow I am going to gay group therapy...I didn't want to...One of my alters decided to go. Tomorrow is also a day that I have to wear my ROTC uniform...I hate uniform days. I can't be unique and 'freakish' if I wear them. And, the worst of it...It's a minimum day. I hate minimum days because I have to go home and sit...By myself...I guess it won't be so bad because I'll get some socializing in. I found out another girl who I'm friends with is anorexic...She and I started talking about it...It sounds kind of crazy doesn't it? Saying it so plainly...But yeah. I gave a speech today in class...Everyone told me I did it really well and they're going to vote me onto semi-finals. Public speaking scares me to the point of having sezuires>_< Oh, yeah, and I think Skye is seeing other people. She and I haven't hung out outside of school in over a month...When I am with her she seems uncomfertable and it always seems that she's looking at other girls and uncomfertable when I hug her or cuddle her. I dunno...It's just a bad day today. I'll look at my evidence when I'm a little less depressed and angry with the world.

Nov 15, 2005 at 01:09 o\clock

Me against my body

Mood: Pessemstic, and sick
Listening to: Seinfield

 Today isn't a good day again. My body is fighting against me. My muscles gave out during gym, I colapsed at several random intervernals during the day,I coughed up more blood, and I just couldn't make myself move. I've stopped throwing up for fear of health...I don't think killing myself would be a good idea. But, if I'm dying...That sucks. Blah.

Nov 14, 2005 at 04:52 o\clock

RAWR

Mood: Piffed off
Listening to: King of the Hill

 Today has been one of those days...The type where you want to destroy the world and scream at everyone to leave you alone. Of course, it was a family fun day...My mother decided it was time to go Xmas shopping. I HATE Xmas.I hate to sound Scroogeish, but the holidays bring forth the absolute worst in people. Kids say gimmeh gimmeh gimmeh...Adults give give give...Everyone gets cranky because they don't get what they want and they don't even have money to go out and buy what they really want because they spent it all on gifts that nobody really likes. Nobody cherishes the together time...Mostly because it's forced to spend with your family and everybody would rather be with their friends. Now, even though Xmas is 41 days away...I'm in a bad mood and dreading the holidays. It's not  that I hate getting things for people...But I positivly loathe getting things. I don't know...It makes me feel like I owe people something...I hate feeling like I owe people something. That's why I never borrow anything. Seriously...I don't borrow pens or pencils for school even. On the bright side, it only comes once a year...After this...I'll probably see my Dad twice...Then I won't have to see him for the rest of the year...And he can ignore me and pretends he cares me. None of this matters anyways. Once a year...Then it's done. I'm just focusing on getting through it alive. And not socking my sister....That's a very important thing too.

Nov 12, 2005 at 23:28 o\clock

Blood, Skye, and lonliness.

Mood: Longing...Lonely...Depressed.
Listening to: Stupid Anime.

 Blah, depression...Depression...Depression. Skye called me today...She's at her Dad's. We were talking...And I told her about how I'm coughing up bloood and told her I couldn't kiss her and I think it hurt her feelings...She got really sad and was saying things like please baby...I don't care. It was really depressing...It made me want to cry. I don't want to hurt her...I just don't want to get her sick. I'm not sure how bad coughing up blood is...And it might have something to do with my purging habits/anorexic habits...But...Still...I'm not entirely sure. Last night I found a new way to make myself feel better without breaking any rules...I can't tell anyone...Because if Skye finds out she'll make it against the rules. So, yeah, I feel better today because of it.At least I'm not quite so ready to kill myself...I wish I wasn't sick though...Because, believe it or not...I like kissing my girlfriend

Nov 12, 2005 at 04:39 o\clock

Ready to give up

Mood: Depressed and suicidal

 I really am so ready to kill myself. It doesn't feel like I have anything to live for. The future seems bleak and hopeless...I was close to cutting again tonight. Not the places I usually cut either...I held the blade to my wrist. I don't know if I actually would have done it...But my mother interrupted my pending suicide. I don't know if anyone cares...It doesn't feel like it. My closest friends are a million miles away and I can't relate to anyone. It's like there is a thick, clear, concrete wall between me and the rest of humanity. No one understands me...No one understands why I'm so sad...Or wgat's wrong with me...Not even me. I hate myself...My family hates me...God must hate me. I don't even think Skye loves me. Why should she? No one does. No one cares. I have this entire weekend to hate myself. I just don't want to live anymore...It hurts...Every breath hurts...Everytime I wake up and realize that I'm still alive and that I've still done nothing of importance and no one loves me. No matter what I do...I'm never good enough. Not for anyone, not for my family...Not for my friends...Not for my lover...Not even for myself or my others. I should just reluinquish controle of the body to one of my alters and let my life waste away without me. I don't know why life has got me so down...I don't know anything. I'm nobody in the world...What would it matter if I died? What do I have to live for anyways? A life that nobody loves me in?  Blah...

Nov 8, 2005 at 02:23 o\clock

Happy Monday*Not*

Mood: Frusterated and depressed
Listening to: My sister explaining her math problems.

 I had a really bad day. I got a D on a math test that I should have gotten an A on, my teacher wouldn't accept my paper in English because it was in the wrong format, I've lost weight but then they made me eat disgusting food, one of my alters gave a mushy-gush love poem that I wrote to Skye and while she loved it...I didn't want her to see it because it's mushy-gush. Then this guy was hitting on her and telling her that she wants her to kiss him....And normally I'd go up and deck him...Big problem though:He's in a wheelchair and he plays it out to his full advantage. I honestly don't care that he's in a wheelchair, it's that he knows how to play it out to get everyone's sympathy that bothers me. Then Skye missed her bus and so my mum gave her a ride home, but then our tires gave out and we had to wait for 2 hours for them to get fixed. That made me happy...Until we came up to a touchy subject;my prudeyness. She thinks that it's because of her that I don't like to be touched that way...It's honestly not. I wish I could explain it to her and make her see that I'm just weird that way...Then she got kind of sad and thought that she was forcing me to do things that I don't want to. She's not, because I don't do things that I don't want to. Which means, yeah, I don't do that stuff. Now, she's probably grounded...AGAIN. Which means I can't see her this weekend...AGAIN. I miss her</3

Nov 6, 2005 at 17:05 o\clock

Still alive

Mood: Depressed
Listening to: Fishtank blurble

 Sorry I haven't written in so long...Don't worry, I didn't die. I've just had a lot of stuff on my mind...Soo...Let's see...What's happened since I last wrote? My friend Audrey got a bunny! It's big and black and completely adorable. She wanted me to take care of it for her...But that bunny was a boy bunny and mine is a giirl...I'd start out with two bunnies then I'd have 6 bunnies....then 27 bunnies...Then the world would be overcome with cute little bunnies!!! I would not be able to handle that:-p. Depression has been pretty bad...I've gotten better at hiding it though. My mom wants to send me to the shrink because I live in a house full of crazys...Where is the logic in that? Shouldn't they be the ones to go to shrinks? Oh! Ashes(my bunny) made her first ER run. While I was out with a friend she ripped a toenail off and my mum thought she was dying...So we went to the animal ER...Basically, the animal nurse told me I was crazy for bringing her in and that she was fine. I can not tell you how scared I was the entire time...I just kept thinking...What do I do if my baby dies? I know, it's silly. But to someone who can not yet have children of her own...Pets are pretty darn close!! I found out yesterday that one of my close friends(and ex flames...) is actually bi and she's dating a girl. I'm happy for her...She deserves to have some happiness and a good love in her life. I hope since this is her first girl-girl relationship it doesn't end badly...Like her deciding she's straight and then breaking the heart of her lover...Yeah, I've been pretty depressed in the love part of my life. I don't know why, I am in love with and I love Skye...I just can't help but wonder...Does she share the same feelings for me as I do for her? I know 9 months...Blah blah...Long time...Blah blah...Wouldn't still be with you if she didn't love you..Blah blah blah!! None of that is true...I can't help but wonder if she's playing games and if I'm going to get my heart broken. Crazy paranoid teenager I guess...Oh well!