I cry through my skin.

Mood: Silly
Listening to: Willy's tank.

 Okay, well I finally got to see the shrink today. It turns out...I hate her with a bloody passion and I put on my best happy face and convinced her that I don't need her to sort out my issues. Skye decided not to come to school today...I'm so sad about that...I missed her...I know it's pathetic and stupid...I just really did miss her so very much... I'm naming fish now...I wanted to name a big, scary, grey fish Jerrel but Robz said no. So, now I think I'll name it after this kid I hate named Peachy. The guy oscer fish is named Roy, and this little eel like fishy is named Willy, and the girl oscer fish is named Lorena. Is it just me...Or does the fishtank members sound like a gang? Seriously....Hehe. I want to call Skye...But I'm afraid to call people. Isn't that just silly?

Mood: HAPPY!:-D
Listening to: Fishtank...Blurble

 I spent the weekend with my girlfriend...So that's why I didn't write. I didn't die or anything...I was just busy and happy the whole time...:) Well, I have to go to bed now...Just though I'd drop a line to let whoever reads this that I'm doing so much better now(it's amazing what a day or two with your lover can do) and we are definantly not moving. My eldest brother just moved in...And there is no way we can afford to move with him around. So, I never thought I'd say this...But thanks for messing up Robz

Mood: Beyond depressed.
Listening to: AFI-Sing The Sorrow

 My mother is considering moving us. Far enough away so that I'd have to change schools and make new friends and I wouldn't be able to see Skye every weekend...But close enough so that I can still think about them every day and wonder what would happen if I somehow managed to walk back to my town and showed up and surprised them. I can't move...Things are finally starting to work out for me! I know, this web blog might make it seem like I should move...But, let me let whoever wastes their time on my thoughts in on a little secret...This is a huge improvement from what I was. I mean..I've tried to hang myself before...I shoved numerous bottles of pills down my throat and chased in with alcohol just so that I wouldn't wake the next morning. I still have scars from where a razor, or a box cutter, or almost any sharp edge I could get my hands on tore up my skin when I wished to inflict pain upon myself for being such a horriable person. I haven't done any of that recently...I mean, the worst that's happened recently was a superficial cut on the vein on my wrist...It was hardly noticable and not worth mentioning. Even my depression is better...I mean, I still feel sad a lot but now I get bursts of happiness...I never got bursts of happiness before! I was in all dark! Some of my poems can be of love rather than just pure depression and suicide. I'm doing so much better and moving me now would uproot all of that. Take me away from my friends...Take me away from my lover...Take me away from everything I've known for practically my whole life!!  It's hard, I understand that, but moving is not in the best interest of anyone. Except maybe the payroll...But...What's money? It's stupid bits of cloth! Stupid bits of cloth that buy food, clothes, heat, and electricity...But...Still...We've been living in this house for 4 years. Moving....I just can't do it. I wouldn't be able to. I'd do something stupid to avoid it...I'd run away, or I'd kill myself...Something drastic that I'd regret later in life but something that I'd have to do. I'm crying now...I don't want to leave here. Here is finally starting to feel a little bit like home...

Mood: Depressed
Listening to: My mother...Except not really.

 Yeah...Today was NOT one of the days I'll choose to remember when I'm old and senile. It started off fine...Except that my mom wouldn't leave me alone...And then she got angry about the way I styled my hair(not a mohawk, no obscene colors, nothing weird...I just parted it differently and wore it off to the side a bit.). I love it when I'm told that I'm now an adult and I can make my own choices yet when it comes to something simple, miniscule, and unimportant such as how I want to wear my hair for one day...The authorative steps in and freaks out. I guess I was alright until lunch...Skye and I hung out together as we always do...And some stupid homophobes started throwing things at us. She wasn't in a good mood, so I had to physically restrain her from going and attacking them. She's so much stronger than I am...It was not an easy task. Then my humor stepped in and I managed to coax her away...Then, of course, we tripped over some random, unseen object in front of the grou[ of homophobic jack@**es  and they laughed at us. So, pride and body bruised...We walked off. She started to tickle me(I'm extremely tickilish) and I fell and hit my head hard against a metal bar. I was on the verge of tears from it because it hurt so badly...I know it wasn't the tickiling that made me fall...My legs gave out without warning and she just happened to be tickiling me at the time. She thought it was all her fault though...And  she wouldn't believe me when I told her that my legs give out(they tend to do that every so often without any particular reason).  In English, the homophobes decided to tease me about falling...So, I muttered a few inappropriate words and the teacher immediatly called me up to the front of the room...I was so sure that she heard me but, it was just a pass for me to go see the shrink that I told you about. But, it turns out she was too busy to see me so I will have my first session with her tomorrow. Oh, one of my alters told Skye about my special little diet and she started to cry and begged me to stop. I'm so angry with them about it...But, I don't know which one did it is the problem. I'm very in tuned with my alters...I can talk with them and interact with them and all that...I don't know how, some people think because of this I don't really have MPD and that can just be your opinion:). I'm not looking to make up disorders for myself...Especially not one that gets me into trouble quite a bit without me ever knowing why or how or even what I did or said. But, yeah, I'm not too thrilled with the aspect of seeing the shrink tomorrow...She seemed like a nice enough woman...Just not someone I particularly care to share my secrets with...Certainly not my diet secrets, my alters, or my love life. I dunno...I'll give it a shot, I mean, it's not manditory so I can quit any time I care to. I dunno why my day was bad...Just not in a good mood and my head hurts.

Mood: Hideous
Listening to: My alters arguing.

 Hmmm...Well, this is a bit of an awkward topic to discuss in here. I came home from school and ate something to please mother(as I always do) then I went to go shower and did what I always do *sticks fingers down throat to try to make you understand* and yeah...I saw some blood but I figured I just ate something red and that it was no big deal...THen there was more blood...I never really thought that could happen. I always knew logically that it could...But never thought that it would. Not to me at least...I have hardly lost any weight at all though! I'm still a fat cow! I'm so angry with my body...I know that illogical and stupid...But that's who I am. Illogical and stupid. I'm angry with myself...I kill myself with excersize...Then I don't eat much...But I'm still huge. I hate myself. *Beats head* . I know, I'm a stupid angsty teen...Just like every other stupid angsty teen in the world. So why do I feel so different? So alone? So completely...Isolated from the rest of the world? I know in my head that a lot of kids go through this every day...I know that a lot of kids battle with what I'm going through and resist suicide and suicidal tendancys. So...Why do I feel like the only one? I just wish that I could cut again...I got rid of my pain so easily that way...But...I can't. I made a promise to Skye...I also promised her I'd stop this...I promised her I would do it anymore...But, I can't stop. Maybe the therapist that I'm supossed to eventually see can help me rationalize these feelings. Ha, doubt it. Headshrinks don't help...They confuse you and load you up with meds. Well....Blah. Other than that...Today hasn't been particularly good but I think I've complained enough. I'm gonna go excersize or do something else productive with my body now.

Mood: Depressed and annoyed
Listening to: Aboslutely nothing.

 Well...Hi people! I'm new here...I stumbled across this site looking for a journal site that is less popularized than livejournal and has a little less chance of being found and all my secrets being exposed to the world. Alrighty...My name is Kat...I'm 15 years old, I live in California but I'm not what you expect me to be. I'm ghostly pale, I actually do have blue eyes...But my hair is red...Not blonde...And I'm nethier stickly thin nor huge busted. I'm a sophmore in highschool...Which I hate.  Oh, yeah, and I'm a lesbian with an amazing girlfriend. Homophobes are GAY.. I also have MPD...FOr those of you who don't know what that means, it means I'm more than one person in only one body. Some people inncorrectly call it skitzophrenia...If you really MUST call it that...G'head but know that they are two completely different disorders. I don't actually expect anyone to bother reading this...So, I don't know why I'm introducing myself. But yeah...Here's my entry for today:

 So far, today has sucked. Mum kept me home from school...Want to hear something sad? I wanted to go to school...I wanted to see Skye(my girlfriend) even though I was with her just 18 hours ago. I miss her already. I guess I'm somewhat releaved about not going to school though...I had to transfer back to Algebra 1 rather than Geometry because my teacher sucked and didn't like to answer my questions because of my orientation. I also have to give up Drama...Which I love. It was my favorite class...But they only had it second period...Which happened to be the only period that I could take Algebra 1. So, I get to deal with it tomorrow instead. I don't know why I bother agonizing over these things...They're going to happen regaurdless of my anxiety so why do I continue to torture myself with them? Yeah...Now mum is on me about my eating habits. Ha, if only she KNEW. I guess this is where I'm a typical Californian, I'm terriably self concious about my weight and willing to do ANYTHING to get where I want to be. When I say anything...I mean it. And I'm doing everything I can. I'm glad no one has found out...I mean, it would be bad. They'd make me give it up and probably tell me how stupid I am for it. I know I'm sutpid, but it's the only thing that works so it's what I'm going to do. Well, anyone wasting their time on this probably thinks I'm a psycho...On that note; You honestly don't have a clue.