I cry through my skin.

Oct 30, 2005 at 04:19 o\clock

FREAKY DEAKY

Mood: Freaked out
Listening to: Anime...Ahhh

 Okay...Something really scary juts happened. I was having a complete laughing fit, I could not stop laughing if my life depended on it. So, my sister recorded me laughing...Then she played the tape back to me and nethier of us had said anything the entire time...Other than me laughing insanely. The tape played back and there was voices on it...Creepy voices. First it said, "I hate you." Then "Next year I will kill you." Then it was screaming "HELP ME! HELP ME! HELP ME!" It was kind of White-Noiseish...Anyone see that movie? It scared the sh*t out of me...And now it's kind of happening to me. Mmm...Anyone have any evil spirit banishing spells that I might be able to perform? For some odd reason, I don't want spirits in the same vicinity as me threatening death. Talk about crazy? I guess it sounds kind of crazy to everyone else...But it's SO true! I SWEAR!

Oct 29, 2005 at 20:21 o\clock

Bad start

Mood: Antsy, depressed
Listening to: Moon shoes commercial and annoying beeping

 Want to know the best possiable way to start the day(sarcasm)? Your mum and step dad fighting. They want a divorce again...I wonder if it will actually happen. I honestly doubt it. They aren't in love with eachother or anything...But, they're dependant on eachother. I really don't have much to say...The day is going to suck big time.  I have nothing to do. I already cleaned my room...I wish I had some homework I needed to do just to distract my mind from being depressing. Blah, hopefully I'll think of something. I think something bit my lip...It's weirdly swollen and itchy and kind of painful. Maybe I took a hit last night and didn't realize it. You never know.

Oct 29, 2005 at 08:07 o\clock

Now I know

Mood: Undecided
Listening to: Fishtank

 Well, now I know my family doesn't care. I did walk off today. Not without telling anyone, but I walked off. I went to a school dance that I wanted to go to but wasn't going to because Skye wasn't going and dances without dates suck. I actually took the bus, which is odd for me because I'm kind of scared of buses, I was just so tired of being their target...That I couldn't do it. PMS goes out of controle, I guess. The dance was actually a lot of fun. I taught a couple of my friends to swing-dance, socialized, forgot about being different from everyone for a while and just pretended like I was a normal girl living a normal life. Then the dance ended...My mother was waiting to pick me up. She yelled at me the entire way home about nothing, I kind of tuned her out. Then when we got home she was like YOU'RE WELCOME!...I guess I should have thanked her for the ride home? In truth...I would have rather walked the entire distance barefooted over broken glass and naked. I live about 10 miles from my school(where the dance was) sooo...That's a pretty big statement. Now I'm home, I find out Jon got drunk off his good for nothing lazy...Robz is soaring...If you know what I mean, and Cassie just sat at the computer. Everything was so peaceful without me...Maybe I make everything bad. Maybe I make everyone angry at eachother and fight all the time. This is not a good feeling. I had so much fun at the dance, I just wanted to keep that good-feeling natural high that came from it. I guess that's impossiable for me though.*sigh*Oh, well, I'm going to go read now and then probably go to bed...Or...I can sit up all night and watch the sun rise! Probably the latter.

Oct 28, 2005 at 02:43 o\clock

Do they even CARE?

Mood: Alone, unloved
Listening to: Yelling and dishes breaking.

  Sometimes I wonder if people can see through the shallow act I put on. I wonder if they can tell that I'm not really this light hearted girl without issues. Nobody ever notices when I'm sad...The only time anyone notices I'm anything is when I'm p/oed and I tell them to back off. Everyone around me is yelling again...Mum is yelling at me because I'm the only one who she thinks is mentally stable enough to take it. Robbie is yelling...Cassie is yelling...They're all yelling and screaming and saying horriable things. I often wonder what would happen if I didn't step in and keep them from physically killing eachother. I've toyed with the idea of leaving...Just up and walking off...No one would notice. It's not like they notice me anyways...Unless they think I've done something wrong. Unless they want to yell at me. They don't notice the good things I do, they don't notice when I'm sad or when I just really need someone there for me. I try so hard for them...I wish that I'd been born into a normal family. A family with a mom, a dad, and maybe a brother or sister. Instead I've got a woman who never really grew up, an alcoholic who married the woman who never grew up because he thought he was in love, and I'm one of 7. I haven't heard from my Dad in over a month...He called me on the 18th of last month to tell me he forgot my birthday and he wanted to make it up to me. Great way to make it up Dad! I guess it's for the best though, I don't think I could handle him rejecting me for my homosexuality right now. I'm in a bad mood now...I want to cut. I can't though, it's bad. I promised I wouldn't. Every scar on my body...Is from them. They haven't layed a hand on me in years...But, the scars are from the pain they've put me through. The times they've called me hurtful names, the times they ignored me simply because I didn't scream and demand attention. It's all from them. Sorry, I wish I was happier and I could fake happiness for this bloggy thing too. But, I'm supossed to write how I really feel...And I feel like hit with an S and they don't care about me...No one does.

Oct 27, 2005 at 04:26 o\clock

Good Day

Mood: Content
Listening to: TV

 Today was a good day...A really good day. It was raining when I woke up(I love the rain) and I didn't get into any fights at school today...Not even when the homophobes made evil comments about Skye and me. Plus, she was a sweetheart to me today. It was our nine month aniversary. Yaay. Mum didn't let me go to gay group therapy though...So, I got angry about that. But, it doesn't matter. Maybe tomorrow it might rain.

Oct 26, 2005 at 02:26 o\clock

Cut

Mood: Depressed
Listening to: King of the Hill-TV show

 Tomorrow will be 9 months with my girlfriend...YAY! I'm not sure if we'll be able to do anything...Tomorrow is even a half day. If I can get a ride...I'll go to the gay group therapy. I just want to be with her...I know, stupid. But, I'm on my lovely monthly...So...If you care to keep your head...BACK OFF!!! Today was Hell. I got into a fight with my mother this morning...Because I wanted to go to school. I can't stay home...Home is bad. Home is worse than the homophobia and discrimination I face every day at school. I guess I switched out sometime during the fight though...Because when I came back there was blood all over my bra and new cuts on my breasts. Not good...Very bad actually. I've given up cutting!!! Cutting is bad for me...It's not a constructive outlet...So why don't the other people within me recognize that I'm trying to do something good for myself?! For all of us...

Oct 25, 2005 at 02:51 o\clock

=-o HAPPY

Mood: Joyus/ecstatic
Listening to: Fishtank blurrble

 Do you want to hear something that you may never hear me say again? I'M SO FRICKIN' HAPPY RIGHT NOW!! A long long time ago a poem of mine that I'd written for my best friend was selected for publication...I ordered the book...I just got the book! I don't know why it makes me happy...I won't question it. *Dance of unadulterated joy*

Oct 25, 2005 at 01:16 o\clock

Weekend recap+Today

Mood: Neutral.
Listening to: TV

 Okay...So, since I didn't get a chance to talk to you over the weekend...I'll recap.

 Friday-Aunt had psychotic attacks and mum had to go up to the hospital with her. I remember writing about this already though.

 Saturday-Mum came home. My friends Audrey and Kaddie wanted me to hang out with them...But I couldn't. Then Skye called and wanted me to hang out with her...My mum said no to that to. Then I started to cry because no matter how hard I try to take care of everything while she was gone...I still didn't do good enough. She didn't even bother to recognize that I kept the fort down and didn't kill my siblings, or that I cooked and cleaned like she would have if she'd been there. She just yelled at me and told me how lazy and stupid I was. So, she felt bad for making me cry and let Skye come over. I wasn't using tears for a manipulative...I'm just so tired of people telling me how bad at everything I am...And how I can't ever do anything right. It just hurts, you know? So, Skye and I hung out together...But...We got into a bit of a spat. She read an angry blog of mine on Myspace telling people who leave anoymous comments saying I'm a fat, slut, dyke to fcuk off. She took it as I don't want to be with her anymore...Which was wrong! Okay, *sappy moment coming up. WARNING* I love her more than anything ever! More than the universe and more than life...I would do anything for her. I'm so convinced she's my one true love...I've even talked with her about spending forever with her. Nine months of my life...Devoted to her and her alone. I honestly want to be with her til time's end and even longer! Okay, sappy moment over. It's safe to stop throwing up. Then she and I went to her house and spent the night together.  Her mum finally likes me! YAY!! She hugged me...Which was kind of shocking and unexpected.

 Sunday- Hung out with Skye for most of the day...Went home at three. Then Audrey and Kaddie called me to go to the Cemetary with them and do some spiritual work. I read everyone's palms, we went to the cemetary and we tried to coax a spirit into Kaddie. It actually worked, her name was Marina...She was a bride to be...Then she was murdered and she didn't know by who or even when. She also couldn't remember too much from before the time she passed. Then we played with the ouija board. Next time the three of us get together they're going to try to hypnotize me and let someone go into me. Dangerous work...I know. But, I want to try. I want to see what happens.

 Today- Eh, I was drained from the spiritual work yesterday. I had to lend Kaddie a lot of energy to let Marina in. I went to school despite mum's repeated offer to let me stay home(she could see how completely dead I was.) because I wanted to see Skye. Today was alright...Homophobes still saying stuff like 'fat dyke' and 'slut' for no real reason. It doesn't really bother me so much anymore. Except the fat part...But, I'm working on it.

Oct 22, 2005 at 19:15 o\clock

Blah blah blah

Mood: Hopeful
Listening to: Death metal:-D

 Hopefully today I can hang out with Skye. Audrey wants me to sleep over at her house with Kaddie...But I don't want to. I don't really like Kaddie and the only reason why Audrey likes me is because I can read palms. It sucks knowing when people are using you...I just hope today is a good day. It's not blazing hot like it usually is...So..Maybe?  Mom still isn't home from visiting with Aunt Patty...Although, if she went to work like she was planning...She wouldn't be home from work yet either. I have a huge research paper I should be working on...I don't really want to though. Blah, I guess I'll start anyways.

Oct 22, 2005 at 04:57 o\clock

Set back

Mood: Ugly and depressed
Listening to: Old school Degrassi

 I feel like such a complete loser...Not only am I home on Friday, but  I had to turn down a date. Mom had to go stay up with Aunt Patty(dying aunt) because she's having psychotic attacks again. I don't know why the medicine they give her has that effect on her. I also don't understand why on Earth they have to give her medicine that will make her react that way. Maybe it helps the cancer...I doubt it though. There has yet to be a cure for it. Doping her up on the same drugs that you doped up the last person with cancer won't cure her this time any more than it did the last person. I don't know...Today I find out that one of the homophobes from the other day is spreading sh**(dare to think what those two stars stand for?) about me and my girlfriend. Apparantly I've been caught making out with three different girls...One of which is a vampire. I have had one relationship my entire life, and I'm not the type of person to just hook-up...Even if it is just kissing. Oh, and I'm really fat. I can't tell you how much that set me back...I'd finally given up purging...Now, I've taken it back up. I know it's stupid, but...Everyone still thinks I'm fat. I keep trying so hard though! I just stopped throwing up...The blood was kind of a bad sign. I just doubled my exersize routine. Still...I'm fat. So, now, one step forward...Two steps back.

Oct 21, 2005 at 01:26 o\clock

Almost had a good day.

Mood: Sick and grumpy
Listening to: Some dance techno music

 I just saw one of the most ironic things. It was one of those silly advertisement spam thingies that reside at the top of your screen...It said your scars will fade fast. In my expirence, that is not so. Physical and emotional scars heal slowly...If at all. That's why I use coverup! Today almost went okay.  I was actually in a good mood until fourth period, ROTC(Some military training thingy...Don't worry, no aspirations to the army. Just something to fill a period.) These people kept tickiling me, and I'm super tickilish...So, it was annoying and the teacher got angry at me for not being able to controle it. that is one creepy smiley...Okay, yeah, back to describing my day. Some kids in Biology were talking about drugs and alcohol...Then this preppy chick who always disses me asked me what drugs I did and how often I drank. I told her I don't. I used to drink...A lot. I quit though, it became a big problem of mine and it was unsafe for me to do it. So I stopped. And I've never ever done drugs. Never have the intent to either. At lunch the homophobes threw stuff at Skye and me...She was going to kill them. I wouldn't let her though. If she gets in trouble once more, she's expelled from school and she's going into foster care. I don't really know what happened for the rest of the day..I wasn't around for it. One of my alters must have done it for me. I must say, I'm thankful. I was on the verge of tears...I really don't understand why people seem to hate me so much. I didn't do anything! I'm differen't...Big friggin' deal! So, my lover lacks some equipment downstairs...It's not a huge thing. Blah, I was so hoping to hold onto my good mood...I guess not though. However! I have found a cure to my sleep problems...If I draw the penticle on my forehead and over my major solar plex I go to sleep quickly. So, yay! Maybe I can join the land of the living once I have had enough sleep. Not a particularly exciting day, my stomache feels sick...My body feels fat....I guess I'll go excersize now. Bundles of fun.

Oct 20, 2005 at 00:48 o\clock

Alien

Mood: Suicidal and depressed.

 You know, I don't really think I'm human. I must be an alien put here as a sick and twisted joke. I can't relate to what people tell me...I don't understand how they're all so happy in this world that has so many things wrong with it. I don't really think I'm being pessemistic...I just can't believe I'm the exact same as everyone else. I feel so different, so isolated...It doesn't make sense that I'm from the same planet as the rest of these people. People like to see other people get hurt, people like to be mean, they like to make eachother cry...I don't understand that. I don't understand how anyone can possiably get any type of joy from that...Yet, they do. Why is it I feel so different? I always feel like everyone is watching me...Waiting for me to screw up again. It's almost like they can see right through me, see into the torments of my soul and they think it's funny. I don't understand any of this, logically I know none of this is so.

 On the bright side, Skye isn't going to Bootcamp. On the not bright side...I don't think she wants to be with me anymore. I know this is fickle, I always talk about her...But, I'm just feeling really insecure and unloved. I'm not going to Rainbow's End today...Group therapy doesn't appeal to me...I might actually talk about how I'm feeling. I don't want to tell anyone that. The only reason why I can write about how I feel in here is because I really don't think anyone wastes their time reading this. Blah, I just feel really sad...Really alone...And really isolated. I feel like death is my only answer yet I know this isn't so. Logic means little to depression though...I just want all the pain to stop.

Oct 19, 2005 at 03:27 o\clock

Pretty cruddy day.

Mood: Sad...Disapointed...
Listening to: Dishes clanking.

 Well, today hasnt been generally good. Third period, some girls in gym gave me sh*t about my girlfriend talking about sex. They kept saying stuff like "If you don't make her stop I'm gonna kick your ass." I was just like O.O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's not like she was talking about what we do...Or don't do. Then this girl who I thought was my friend said that Skye was only lesbian because a guy cheated on her and she stilll liked guys and wanted to be with guys. I started to cry then...She has no clue how much hearing that sort of stuff hurts me. She has no clue how many times I've thought the same exact thing and wondered if in the long run I'm getting my heart torn to shreds all over again. That's why for so long I kept everyone out...I didn't want to get hurt...I wouldn't let people in to see what's inside. Finally, I meet Skye and I let her in...The first person in such a long time...Then this girl comes and says that...I don't know why either. But, apparantly one of alters talked to Skye about it...(RAWR!) and the girl was lying. I really don't know who to believe in this situation. Would Skye admitt it if she stilled like guys and was only with me because one cheated on her? Or would the girl who I thought was my friend lie to me and hurt me in the only way that I allow people to hurt me anymore? So, yeah, Skye and I are kind of in a little spat about it...Then today is doomsday. The final decesion whether she's going to Bootcamp or not...And when. I was supossed to go to my friend's house after school today...But my mum went all psycho beetch mode one me and wouldn't let me go. I really don't know what I did to make people treat me the way they do...Or why everyone hates me so much. I wish they didn't...But, if wishes were fishes the sea would be full. That didn't help. Dang optimism. Oh, yeah, my Biology teacher talked to me about my homework...Apparantly I'm not turning it in enough. I'm trying! So VERY hard...I just forget it on my nightstand a lot...Or lose it in my bookbag.

Oct 18, 2005 at 01:10 o\clock

Aunt's surgery

Mood: Worried and depressed
Listening to: My brother...He just came home.

 I feel so much like everything I've ever held onto is crashing down. Everything I ever thought was stable, or true, is turning out to be unstable and a lie. My Aunt who is dying of lung cancer and brain tumors went into surgery today to do some or another operation on her lung...Now, someone called and they're talking about it. I just keep thinking that at any moment the hospital can call and say that she's gone...She's dead. I have to catch the bus to school tomorrow...If the bus even runs from nearish my house to school. With my luck, it won't. Especially not at the times I need it to. For that would be very helpful. I can't want to school either...I live across town from it. Maybe if I started at around 4 AM I should get there by 8. Telephone! Is it for me?...No. No one ever calls me. Sad.

Oct 17, 2005 at 02:52 o\clock

Sad today

Mood: Sad:'-(
Listening to: TV show...That's So Raven

 The universe is conspiring against me. I'm certain of it. My Aunt who is dying of lung cancer and brain tumors is in the hospital because she has some sickness other than the obvious and is convinced that the nurses are trying to kill her...So, mum is going to stay at the hospital with her...Which means I might not get to go to school tomorrow. I have to go to school EVERY day...Skye is being sent to Bootcamp...I can't miss a single day between now and then. I don't know how our relationship will survive the distance...But we can try. Homecoming last night...SUcked. I don't even want to go into details. Everyone told me I looked great(HA) but I felt so awkward and ugly. TOday, I find out spineless assholes on Myspace are calling me a fat, ugly, dyke. Great, huh? Well, I'm going to do something other than sit and feel sorry for myself.

Oct 15, 2005 at 19:14 o\clock

Poem

Mood: Depressed...Doomed...Unloved
Listening to: The Killers

 Just to see how people react...I'm going to put a poem I wrote on here.

 She cuts on the inside, in the places she hides. She bleeds out all emotion, it heals her like a magic potion. But they don't see her scars, invisable like daytime stars. At the night you can see...She gives in to her mortality. Her pillow is wet with tears she couldn't cry, her head is whispering for her to bleed herself dry. She can't listen and she can't feel, there is no way for her to heal.

Oct 15, 2005 at 02:35 o\clock

GOD HATES ME!

Mood: Sad beyond description...
Listening to: My own tears

 Yeah, the same God that told me to stay alive...Just punched me in the face;hard. Skye is being sent to bootcamp because of her grades!!! Her stupid mother is such a...Okay, I'm just not going to go there. Why does she think that bootcamp will change anything about Skye? Seriously...What the heck does is do? It teaches you to bite your tongue and stand up straight. She said she still wants to be lovers even when she's gone...It will take a minimum of 3 months...And that's only if she's a good girl and does everything she's told perfectly. It's hard for her to follow orders...It's not that she does it on purpose or anything...It's just that she doesn't understand so people think she's being a smarty-pants. I don't know what to do anymore...Losing her is going to be like losing myself. I know it's selfish...But I have no clue how I'm going to get on without her...:'-(

Oct 14, 2005 at 02:22 o\clock

CONFESSION

Mood: Tired
Listening to: CrossFate

 Okay, I have a confession...I was going to kill myself today. I had a sharp edge in my bookbag to do it with. What stopped me, you may ask? It's stupid...Really...It will make you laugh...I had a talk with 'God' last night...And I told it if it had any reason why I should stay alive then it had to make my left thigh itch. You honestly won't believe this...But my left thigh actually started to itch. I know that it probably wasn't God's divine will or whatever probably just my survival instincts taking over but I listened. And here I am.

 I ran an entire two miles today...I actually had no intention of doing it...But Skye asked me to be with her at the library so I ran there. Two miles...Wasn't fun. As a matter of fact, it made me barf. School sucked...As school always does. And Skye got grounded, so she now probably can't go with me to Homecoming. I know it's stupid, but I feel so sad about that. Of all the other things I could be feeling badly about...I choose one of the most miniscule and unimportant things. Don't ask me...But it was important to me. It doesn't matter anymore though. Oh! The gay pride thing last night...Didn't like it. It was basically a giant group therapy. I hate therapy...Plus everyone there knew eachother. Blah, I'm tired now...I'm going to go do my homework. God damned Biology.

Oct 13, 2005 at 00:36 o\clock

Gay pride thing and relapse.

Mood: Sad and nervous
Listening to: Video games.

 Later tonight I am going to a gay pride thingymabobber. I really don't want to go, I'm terriably shy and I'm worried that people will think that I don't belong or that I'm stupid because I say I'm bi. Yeah, I say I'm bi because I can't admit to my lover that I'm full-fledged lesbian. I don't know why...I just can't.:-\. Today there was a school pep rally for Homecoming. Why on Earth would you hold a pep rally for an event that's happening on Saturday on Wensday? That's what I want to know! I didn't like it...It was loud, crouded, and full of school spirit. Call me a stereo-typical teen...But I can't stand school spirit. At lunch some guy came up to Skye and me and punched us because we didn't move...Not fun...Then I had a relapse in depression. I suddenly couldn't take it anymore and just started crying and telling myself that I was going to kill myself. I'm better now, at least I'm not wanting to go slit my wrists...I just don't know what happened...It's scary when I get like that...The absolute desolation just seeps in and takes over everything and manipulates my thoughts. Oh, but Skye and I are definantly going to Homecoming together this Saturday. Sounds like fun...Hopefully it will be.

Oct 12, 2005 at 04:04 o\clock

Stupid teenage dramas.

Mood: Normal.
Listening to: The fishtank gang.

 Today has been packed full of pointless drama. None of it over anything huge...Just normal teenage stuff. Let's see...Skye came back to school! She had stomache problems the other night...Poor thing...But she and I almost got into it. I went with Audrey to her locker before break...And Audrey is the slowest person ever so I was late meeting Skye and she freaked. Usually that wouldn't ever be enough to even get a second thought...But Audrey likes me and flirts with me in front of Skye who is uber paranoid about me liking other girls. Then let's see....I have a huge hickey on my chest that this guy, Kevin, was staring at all period...Which freaked me out. I don't like people staring at my chest, I know I know...If I don't like people looking then why let it be shown. Preppy chick bothered me in Biology...Then lunchtime came. Oh, how fun that was. I went to GSA with Skye, as I always do on Tuesdays...And we talked about our coming out. After GSA, my buddy Jenna and I got to talking...And it turns out she used to have a crush on me. I used to have a thing for her too...So I was just saying how she should have asked me to dance or something at Homecoming or one of the random middle school dances. Then Skye got angry about it...And I tried to explain it was in the past...But she, once again, freaked and thought I still like Jenna. I don't anymore...It was just one of those 'might have been' things. We reconciled though...Thank God. English we had a big vocab test that I'm certain I failed, then I went home. After school, I got my hair cut for homecoming...My mother hates it because it's so short. I liked it...But, now I don't. Now my hair is dark red instead of the faded orange it was because I died it. Finally I got online and it turns out my bestest friend in the world, Ash, her boyfriend broke up with her and she's been needing me for over 15 hours. We live across country from eachother...So we can't communicate unless through phone(but I haven't been home) or internet. Finally I talk to her and she is in such a distressed state...I feel so bad for her and I wish that I could just make it all better for her now. I can't of course...I can only offer my hopeful optimism and pray that it may help her in some miniscule way. I actually feel like a normal teen for once...I'm not sure I like it...