I cry through my skin.

 I want a husband, and kids...I want twin girls and a boy. I want a nice house on the beach...WHere I can hear the ocean every night as I fall asleep in my one true love's arms. I want to be a well known novelist, successful enough so that I can support my family, but I still want my husband to work(I don't know why).

 But all of that is in the future. Right now...What do I want right now?

 I want Jordan. I have Jordan. Kind of. He's swearing to the Gods and the heavens above that he will take me back...Soon. I hate that game. And honestly I don't want to ask why because I'm scared of the answer. I don't know what he's waiting for...But obviously he's waiting for something.  It's scaring me...It makes my head scream GET OUT! NOW! RUN! Because it could mean that he's just waiting for another relationship to fizzle over.

 Am I just being paranoid again? I don't know...I think so...But at the same time I don;t?

 Because all my tears are gone. There's a gaping hole in my chest, and it hurts. A lot. I still miss Jordan...How stupid and pathetic am I? I would still leap at the chance to be with him, though he told me yesterday that he's already fooling around with a girl that he always told me that I didn't have to worry over.  I suposse it doesn't matter, he and I are very over.

 I'm trying to put things together again. I don't have Annie, she's off being in love...She never wants to hang out unless her fiancee is doing something else. She was complaining to me the other day how she has an amazing love life but no friends. Friends require maintainence, dear, we can't be put on hold forever. Skitzo, Tweek, and Saido might all be moving to Arizona, which means I'd be losing my best friends all over again. Hopefully I'm moving out of my mom's soon though...Tiff, her fiance, and I are all hopefully going to get an apartment together...Two bedroom, pets allowed, hopefully two bathroom but we'll manage if not.

 I'm just going through the motions of living right now...All I can focus on is the pain inside. That's all that's real.

 As much as I would like to pretend that I'm special, that I have an amazing life ahead of me, that someday I'm going to be somebody big...I can't. I'm nothing but another ordinary girl. I've got so many stereotypical issues that I just want to fucking shave my hair of and scream I AM NOT LIKE YOU! Because I hate other people so much that I'd rather die than be like them. Though it's generally true that we hate in others what we dislike in ourselves. I dislike stupidity, laziness, ineptitude, meaness, loudness....Am I these things? Lately it seems so. Not lazy, persay, but my brain just stops working...Literally, I can't think at all. Maybe it's because I'm so distracted because of everything going on in my life. I really need to get far, far away from all this. The break up with Jordan completely threw me off, my flirting fling with Demon is over, so once again I am left alone.

 I saw Jordan yesterday...Well, Tuesday since now it's Thursday.  It fucking sucked. I flipped out and starting crying hysterically and I wanted to go home but I couldn't. God I was stupid to think that I was strong enough to be able to see him. And now it's like we broke up all over again. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to date anyone. I just want to sit here and be sad on life and cut myself. Yep. Sounds like a plan.

 And everyone just keeps fucking pushing my buttons. Mom won't buy food so I can feel myself getting pissy off of that. Annie is fine with her boyfriend, excuse me FIANCE, one second and then fighting with him next and it is absolutely imparitive that she goes to see him. My friends are all distant and cranky...I fucking hate people! Everyone! I want a new boyfriend...So I can forget. But I know that's not what I should have a boyfriend for. I hate everything.

 I hate this. Every song, every kiss, every time someone tries to get with me...All I can think about is HIM. Why can't I stop? Why can't I make him go away? I've had plenty of guys give me plenty of attention...I even have a friend that I was considering having as my boyfriend...But when I tried to tell him yes...My throat just closed up and my eyes started to water with the tears that I am too god damned stubborn to let myself cry. I feel like I'm living wrapped in cellophane...I can see everything, but I can't touch it and it's distorted. I can hear everyone talking to me but when I go to reply my words are cut off. Somehow though, a voice speaks...One that sounds remarkably like mine but isn't and just tells them to let it be. The voice won't lie...Not persay...It'll give the usual 'I'm okay' lie...But that's hardly a lie anymore. I'm trying to make myself believe it too.

 But every night...It's him I think about. It's him I miss. It's him I wish were beside me. Not my almost boyfriend, not any of the boys that are flirting with me...Not any of my old crushes...How do I make this STOP? It's been almost three fucking weeks now! 19 days. I've been sober for 19 days, single for 19 days, and going fucking crazy for 19 days. I miss him. And what's worse is I'm going to see him Tuesday and I already know what I'm going to do.

 I'm going to pretend I don't care. I'm going to pretend that every time he looks at me it doesn't hurt. I'm going to act like I'm doing perfectly fine...Why? Why am I so fucking fake? Maybe I am the blue eyed barbie everyone tells me I am. Maybe I am just a lying, manipulative bitch...I just don't want...I don't want to be the weaker one. I don't want to be emberassed. I don't want to be the only one crying. And yet I know I will be. Why? Because I am too God damned stubborn...I can't let him see the weakness in me because he exploited it and hurt me. I can't be real because if I'm real then he knows exactly where to stab me next to make it hurt the most.

 I need to be more real. I need to let him see how badly it hurts...And maybe he'll leave me alone...Maybe he'll let me get over him for real. Or maybe he'll just exploit me more. I really don't know. I just...I think I need to do this. I think once I stop the games that it'll end.