I cry through my skin.

 As much as I would like to pretend that I'm special, that I have an amazing life ahead of me, that someday I'm going to be somebody big...I can't. I'm nothing but another ordinary girl. I've got so many stereotypical issues that I just want to fucking shave my hair of and scream I AM NOT LIKE YOU! Because I hate other people so much that I'd rather die than be like them. Though it's generally true that we hate in others what we dislike in ourselves. I dislike stupidity, laziness, ineptitude, meaness, loudness....Am I these things? Lately it seems so. Not lazy, persay, but my brain just stops working...Literally, I can't think at all. Maybe it's because I'm so distracted because of everything going on in my life. I really need to get far, far away from all this. The break up with Jordan completely threw me off, my flirting fling with Demon is over, so once again I am left alone.

 I saw Jordan yesterday...Well, Tuesday since now it's Thursday.  It fucking sucked. I flipped out and starting crying hysterically and I wanted to go home but I couldn't. God I was stupid to think that I was strong enough to be able to see him. And now it's like we broke up all over again. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to date anyone. I just want to sit here and be sad on life and cut myself. Yep. Sounds like a plan.

 And everyone just keeps fucking pushing my buttons. Mom won't buy food so I can feel myself getting pissy off of that. Annie is fine with her boyfriend, excuse me FIANCE, one second and then fighting with him next and it is absolutely imparitive that she goes to see him. My friends are all distant and cranky...I fucking hate people! Everyone! I want a new boyfriend...So I can forget. But I know that's not what I should have a boyfriend for. I hate everything.

 I hate this. Every song, every kiss, every time someone tries to get with me...All I can think about is HIM. Why can't I stop? Why can't I make him go away? I've had plenty of guys give me plenty of attention...I even have a friend that I was considering having as my boyfriend...But when I tried to tell him yes...My throat just closed up and my eyes started to water with the tears that I am too god damned stubborn to let myself cry. I feel like I'm living wrapped in cellophane...I can see everything, but I can't touch it and it's distorted. I can hear everyone talking to me but when I go to reply my words are cut off. Somehow though, a voice speaks...One that sounds remarkably like mine but isn't and just tells them to let it be. The voice won't lie...Not persay...It'll give the usual 'I'm okay' lie...But that's hardly a lie anymore. I'm trying to make myself believe it too.

 But every night...It's him I think about. It's him I miss. It's him I wish were beside me. Not my almost boyfriend, not any of the boys that are flirting with me...Not any of my old crushes...How do I make this STOP? It's been almost three fucking weeks now! 19 days. I've been sober for 19 days, single for 19 days, and going fucking crazy for 19 days. I miss him. And what's worse is I'm going to see him Tuesday and I already know what I'm going to do.

 I'm going to pretend I don't care. I'm going to pretend that every time he looks at me it doesn't hurt. I'm going to act like I'm doing perfectly fine...Why? Why am I so fucking fake? Maybe I am the blue eyed barbie everyone tells me I am. Maybe I am just a lying, manipulative bitch...I just don't want...I don't want to be the weaker one. I don't want to be emberassed. I don't want to be the only one crying. And yet I know I will be. Why? Because I am too God damned stubborn...I can't let him see the weakness in me because he exploited it and hurt me. I can't be real because if I'm real then he knows exactly where to stab me next to make it hurt the most.

 I need to be more real. I need to let him see how badly it hurts...And maybe he'll leave me alone...Maybe he'll let me get over him for real. Or maybe he'll just exploit me more. I really don't know. I just...I think I need to do this. I think once I stop the games that it'll end.

  No matter how bad I think things have gotten...They always get worse. My fiance, the great love of my life, decided that we needed to take a break. That was devastating. Then we break up. Then he wants to be fuck buddies. That's enough to destroy me. My best friend is getting married and I'm not. My little bratty sister took my fan....Which was one of the few joys I had in this world. I'm fucking hullicinating even though I'm completely sober. Seriously...The other night my ear started gushing blood...I felt it trickling down my face and everything...It came away on my hand. But once I turned on the light to inspect and see if I needed medical attention...There was nothing. My blankets were clean, my hand was dry. I keep getting nose bleeds out of nowhere and for no reason. I seem to be living in a constant state of dead.

 One of my best guy friends asked me out today. Awkward since I thought he was gay. More awkward since I'm still in love with Jordan. Another guy friend of mine and I hung out last night...It was really nice but according to Annie he's completely into me.

 And yet, I'm certain that tomorrow will somehow manage to suck even more. Annie went away to her summer cabin for the weekend so I am completely alone and I want to tear my wrists apart and make sure that I don't wake up in the morning. I want to run away and go sleep under a fucking bridge. I just don't want to be HERE. It's fucking hot, there's no food, the benefits are shower, bed, elecetricity and the pretty much general guarentee that a hobo won't fight me for my place to sleep.

 What's wrong with me that I can't be happy? What's wrong that good things can't happen to me? What did I fucking do to make God hate me?...I really don't know. I wish I did. But I'm either numb, angry, or suicidal all the time now. I can't fucking do this. And the heat is making it so I'm feeling more fucking suicidal because I seriously would rather die than be hot. FUCKING CUNTFACED BITCH THAT STOLE MY FAN! I'm going to kill her...I've actually given serious thought to it. That's how I'm pretty sure that I'm completely mentally ill. That and the hallucination bit. I think I want to throw a brick through her window and watch it hit her stupid, ugly face and smash her nose. I hate her. I hate me. I hate the fucking sun. I hate my mom. I hate this life.

 Maybe I do need medical attention. Or maybe I need to be back on drugs. My homicidal feelings were more subdued when I was thizzed out of my mind or too stoned to even smoke my cigarette.

 He broke up with me. He didn't even do it himself...He did it through my best fucking friend...He wouldn't answer my calls...My text messages...Just fucking ignored me. He hates me. Completely.  I've never had somebody I love so fucking much hate my guts...Want me destroyed so completely and utterly... I can't stop crying...My insides are so torn up....I just want this hellish nightmare to be over...I can't do this...And everybody is saying I know it hurts...Hurt isn't even half the world. Hurt doesn't begin to describe it. I'm dead and I've gone to fucking Hell...