Vote for Me, Dump Hillary!
Mood: Darwinian with a touch of Marx
Listening to: It's a Small World After All
Everyone on my block agrees that I have no qualifications for most jobs
let alone the presidency of the United States. My family and friends will
tell you that I’m a terrible person who will burn in Hell for depriving
them of spiritual comfort, self-esteem, and security. What’s worse, I
don’t and I won’t wear one thousand dollar power pant suits. No disrespect to
Hillary, but this is America and it’s OK to wear Goodwill sweatpants at
the Aldi supermarket.
That’s right, I get my clothes at the Goodwill, not at the Gap or Gucci. I also cut my own hair. Unlike stylish Hillary, I’m an affordable presidential candidate who won’t beg for campaign money or waste it explaining her economic policy to the American people. My economic policy is simple. I’m the Aldi shopper who brings her own bags and always returns the cart for the deposit----25 cents is one quarter of a US dollar or, in Aldi shopper terms, about half a pound of turkey dogs. Turkey dogs have lots of salt, so if you’re prone to heart disease and don’t have health insurance, you should gently boil the salt out the turkey dogs twice and drain the water. Forget Social Security and Medicaid reform, my food and healthcare plan is both affordable and simple: (1) Aldi’s accepts 25 cents but not credit cards; (2) boil it if it’s salty, avoid it if it’s sweet; and if that doesn’t work, (3) a cheap packet of antibiotics from the Farm Bureau Coop can heal a whole village of sick pigs, turkeys and humans.
In fairness to Hillary, she knows a thing or two about villages. She’s right that it takes a whole village to raise a child and just one bomb to raze the whole village. I just don’t agree that if you want your village to raise a child, you’ve got to bomb some other village in Iraq. It’s a fact that insane Saudi Arabians attacked Hillary’s own Manhattan village. It’s also a fact that Saudi Arabia and Iraq occupy different places on every map I’ve seen, so bombing a village in Iraq to keep Manhattan village safe from insane Saudi Arabians makes about as much sense as shooting a squirrel to prevent the bird flu. Every Aldi shopper knows that you shoot a squirrel because you’re hungry and running out of cheap of turkey dogs.
That’s right, I get my clothes at the Goodwill, not at the Gap or Gucci. I also cut my own hair. Unlike stylish Hillary, I’m an affordable presidential candidate who won’t beg for campaign money or waste it explaining her economic policy to the American people. My economic policy is simple. I’m the Aldi shopper who brings her own bags and always returns the cart for the deposit----25 cents is one quarter of a US dollar or, in Aldi shopper terms, about half a pound of turkey dogs. Turkey dogs have lots of salt, so if you’re prone to heart disease and don’t have health insurance, you should gently boil the salt out the turkey dogs twice and drain the water. Forget Social Security and Medicaid reform, my food and healthcare plan is both affordable and simple: (1) Aldi’s accepts 25 cents but not credit cards; (2) boil it if it’s salty, avoid it if it’s sweet; and if that doesn’t work, (3) a cheap packet of antibiotics from the Farm Bureau Coop can heal a whole village of sick pigs, turkeys and humans.
In fairness to Hillary, she knows a thing or two about villages. She’s right that it takes a whole village to raise a child and just one bomb to raze the whole village. I just don’t agree that if you want your village to raise a child, you’ve got to bomb some other village in Iraq. It’s a fact that insane Saudi Arabians attacked Hillary’s own Manhattan village. It’s also a fact that Saudi Arabia and Iraq occupy different places on every map I’ve seen, so bombing a village in Iraq to keep Manhattan village safe from insane Saudi Arabians makes about as much sense as shooting a squirrel to prevent the bird flu. Every Aldi shopper knows that you shoot a squirrel because you’re hungry and running out of cheap of turkey dogs.
Let’s
face it, most American villages are running out of lots of
things, including the oil it takes to produce all those cheap turkey
dogs in plastic wrapping. Hillary knows this, she’s just too
depressed to admit it. She cheerfully pretends that a “free Iraq” will
provide America and its friend Israel with a “free lunch.” I
don’t believe in free lunches of any kind. Whether you live in Sadar
City or Scarsdale, you’ve got to expend energy and kill something
directly or indirectly to eat. The indirect method, called a “cheap
lunch” by freemarket economists, appeals to Hillary’s supporters in
Scarsdale. Scarsdale folk don’t generally do their own killing
and butchering; they’re upscale market shoppers, way too civilized to
admit
that people in Sadar City are dying because there’s really no such
thing as a free “cheap lunch” anywhere on this overcrowded planet.
I’m not upscale or particularly civilized. I'm just an Aldi shopper who can’t afford to be soft on the problem of free lunches. If you're soft you tend to become someone's cheap lunch or starve. The ugly truth is that you don’t even have to be hungry to start hoarding squirrel meat and shooting at your neighbor, you just have to be human. Right here in my own village there’s more and more hoarding of the American dream by fewer and fewer people. Unfortunately, soft and stylish Hillary doesn’t know what to do about it. Instead of voting against the bankruptcy reform bill, she couldn’t make up her mind about something as simple as feeding a person instead of a bank. It’s a no brainer for me. Bank of America will absolutely donate more money to a presidential campaign than my friend Tricia who can’t make payments on a huge medical bill. Bank of America sends me lots of junk mail, Tricia gives me compliments on the funky haircut and the recycled urban teen sweatpants. She makes me feel like a "hot" Hillary and I wouldn’t trade that for a cool million.
If you think that Hillary will trade just about anything to become president of the United States, then you should vote for me. Since I’ve never wanted to be president of anything, not even student council or PTA, I’m the most qualified to resist bribery from the Bank of America. My motto is, "If you don't want it badly enough, no one can pay you to take it." I won’t lie to voters and pretend that God likes me, if anything God doesn’t believe that I exist so I’m totally on my own. But being on my own has it’s advantages. For one thing, I can spot other people who are also on their own from at least 10,000 miles away. There are billions of them! Here in the US they’re easier to spot, all I have to do is watch C-Span or preacher Pat Robertson’s “Give me Heaven on Earth” show. These people are so convinced that God doesn’t believe in their existence that they’re taking no chances and padding their earthly nests right here, right now, just call this 1-800-$$$-$$$$ number.
Deferred salvation sounds good in principle, but remember that this is America, a land where deferred gratification is worse than Hell. If I’m elected president, I’m going to help all Americans, rich and poor, adjust to living in Hell. I guarantee that it’ll be OK to walk to work in Goodwill sweatpants, to shop for generic turkey dogs at Aldi’s, and to grow nutritious organic dandelions in every suburban lawn. As for those Scarsdale and Manhattan village people who refuse to wear anything but pricey pantsuits, they and Hillary will have to move to China.
I\'ll send you my £10 anytime for your campaign funds.
Was in my local supermarket the other day, and noticed that all the cut flowers and much of the fresh vegetables were from Kenya. Good, right? We are helping out a poor country by buying their produce, Right? Wrong. While the poor people of Kenya are filling our supermarket shelves with stuff we could grow ourselves, they are not growing sufficient basic foodstuffs to feed their own people, so my pretty \'village\' is full of sweet smelling flowers while the children of Kenya are underfed, and the air transport used warms our gasping world with even more CO.2