Bibles, Babies, and Bullets

Jan 7, 2006 at 16:13 o\clock

Popular Myspace site relieves boredom at US spy agencies

Mood: Excited, ready to score big time
Listening to: Foxy Lady

In response to compaints of mind-numbing boredom by the Bush administration's spy agencies,  Bush's close friend the media mogul Rupert Murdoch recently purhased the wildly popular MYSPACE site. It's no secret that what Murdoch owns (including Fox News), the NSA, CIA, and FBI get to play with as much as they want. With unrestricted access to Myspace accounts, the men and women employed by these agencies report a tremendous increase in interest and morale. According to one internet surveillance agent, "Myspace has put the fun back in voyeuristic invasion of privacy. I used to monitor chatter crap in foreign languages no one in my unit could recognize or understand but now get to see and track some really hot babes.....265 of them are already my friends!"

Dec 18, 2005 at 22:57 o\clock

PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH DELIVERS WEEKLY RADIO ADDRESS

Mood: Paranoid
Listening to: "Every move you make, every breath you take, I'll be watching you..."


DECEMBER 17, 2005

SPEAKER: GEORGE W. BUSH, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

BUSH: Good morning. As president, I took an oath to defend the Constitution. Like most of you, I don’t understand what it says, but I don’t have to. I’m president and I have no greater responsibility than to protect my people, my freedom, and my way of life.

On September the 11th, 2001, my freedom and way of life came under attack by brutal enemies who killed nearly 3,000 innocent Americans. It’s hard to believe that two planes could cause the perfect demolition of three of our nation’s best designed buildings. But never mind what engineers and physicists are saying, we all saw it on TV. It was the Iraqis! We’re fighting these enemies across the world, yet in this first war of the 21st century, one of our most critical battle fronts is the home front. That’s right, right here in America, Dick and I have enemies who are still whining about Florida.

And since September the 11th, we’ve been on the offensive against the terrorists plotting without our borders. I’m not sure who has our borders, but at least the terrorists don’t have them and you can thank me for that. One of the first actions we took to protect America after our nation was attacked was to ask Congress to pass the Patriot Act. We had to rush and borrow the Patriot act from some Germans. I don’t know German, but I know from my grandfather that the Patriot Act worked for his German clients long time ago.

The Patriot Act tore down the legal and bureaucratic wall that kept law enforcement and intelligence authorities from sharing vital information about terrorists threats. Me and my friends at the Federalist Society never liked that The Bill of Rights put a wall between the government and the people. The terrorists finally blew up that wall and the Patriot Act allowed federal investigators to pursue terrorists with tools they already used against other criminals.

Congress passed this law with a large, bipartisan majority, including a vote of 98-1 in the United States Senate. Only one senator read the original Patriot Act in German, but 98 acted like real American patriots by not reading it at all. Since then, America’s law enforcement personnel have used this critical law to prosecute terrorist operatives and supporters and to break up terrorist
cells in New York, Oregon, Virginia, California, Texas and Ohio. Having the legal system prosecute dangerous people just doesn’t work. 

The Patriot Act has accomplished exactly what it was designed to do. It has protected American liberty, and saved American lives. The good people at Halliburton, Monsanto, and Dieboldt were protected from terrorists who want to take away their freedoms and their profits. The lives of the unborn have been saved from anti-Christian extremists who plot to take down my government and Supreme Court as I speak. Yet, key provisions of this law are set to expire in two weeks. The terrorist threat to our country will not expire in two weeks. The terrorists want to attack America again, and inflict even greater damage than they did on September the 11th. They want to change America into a “collectivist” dictatorship where everyone has to give up basic freedoms like tax deductions, driving Lincoln Navigators and praying to Jesus at a football game. I can tell you where I would be without these basic freedoms,  I wouldn’t be one of the richest presidents of the US. The laws that protect people like me from extremists are the same laws that protect all Americans from Osama bin
Laden and Saddam Hussein.
 
Congress has a responsibility to ensure that law enforcement and intelligence officials have the tools they need to protect the American people. The House of Representatives passed reauthorization of the Patriot Act, yet a minority of senators filibusters to block the renewal of the Patriot Act when it came up for a vote yesterday. These guys want to go back to the future with their filibustering.

That decision is irresponsible, and it endangers the lives of our citizens. The senators who are filibustering must stop their delaying tactics, or else, and the Senate must vote to reauthorize the Patriot Act.  The Constitution does not give Congress the right to delay passing the prsesident’s laws and policies. I was a history major at Yale and I know what I’m talking about. The President is the CEO in charge of the great American nation, that’s why it’s called the “executive” branch. Executive means that I’m the boss who gives orders. Legislative means writing those executive orders into law.

In the war on terror, we cannot afford to be without this law for a single moment. To fight the war on terror, I am using authority vested in me by Congress, including the joint authorization for use of military force, which passed overwhelmingly in the first week after September the 11th.
How could Congress give me complete authority? When you’re fighting a war, you don’t have time to study history like I did,  you don’t have time to think the difference between habeus corpus and a carrot. In times of war, you pick up the carrot and use it like a stick.

I’m also using constitutional authority vested in me as commander-in-chief. Congress called me into perpetual, life-time service, just like the Constitution says it can.  In the weeks following the terrorist attacks on our nation, I authorized the National Security Agency, consistent with US law and the real, pre-1791 Constitution, to intercept the international communications of people with known links to al Qaeda and related terrorist organizations. Since the terrorists don’t have our borders, we’re playing it safe and intercepting everything without worrying borders. Borders don’t prevent suspicious phone calls from Liberal, Kansas to Freedom, Indiana.

Before we intercept these communications, the government must have information that establishes a clear link to these terrorist networks. What could be more clear than the link between Liberal and Freedom? It’s my job to listen in and stop them! This is a highly classified program that is crucial to our national security. Its purpose is to detect and prevent terrorist attacks against the United States, our friends, and allies. Yesterday, the existence of this secret
program was revealed in media reports after being improperly provided to news organizations. Freedom of the press is an extremist attack on my program for keeping America safe from enemies. As a result, our enemies in Liberal, Kansas and Freedom, Indiana have learned information they should not have, and the unauthorized disclosure of this effort damages our national security and puts our citizens at risk.

Revealing classified information is illegal for everyone except the members of my administration, it alerts our enemies, and endangers our country. As the 9/11 Commission pointed out, it was clear that terrorists inside the United States were communicating with terrorists abroad before the September the 11th attacks. And the commission criticized our nation’s inability to uncover links between terrorists here at home and terrorists abroad. Well, we knew about those links but it was classified information. If we had leaked that information, the terrorists would have gone underground and waited to attack America after the 2004 elections. We couldn’t take the chance of being attacked with a weak, indecisive president in office. The future safety of all Americans depended on keeping classified information a secret, we weren’t able let the terrorists that we were onto the danger.

Two of the terrorist hijackers who flew a jet in the Pentagon, Nawaf Alhazmi and Khalid Almihdhar, communicated while they were in the United States to other members of al Qaeda who were overseas, but we didn’t know they were here until it was too late because of a border problem. We may not have known where Nawaf and Kahlid were in the weeks before 9/11, but thanks to classified information we knew their names as soon as they hit the Pentagon. In fact, we knew the names of all the 9/11 hijackers, that’s how good we are at getting and keeping vital information a secret. But we need to get better at it before some free speech extremist blows my national security plan sky high.

The authorization I gave the National Security Agency after September the 11th helped address that problem in a way that is fully consistent with my constitutional responsibilities and authorities spelled out in Article I, Section 8. I’m in charge of everything, including captures of enemies on land and sea.  The activities I have authorized make it more likely that killers like these 9/11 hijackers and their supporters in Florida will be identified and located in time.

And the activities conducted this authorization have helped detect and prevent possible terrorist attacks in the United States and abroad. By allowing activities to conduct authorizations,  I’ve been able to detect and prevent the possibility of attacks worse than Hiroshima from ever happening again in the future on America’s soil. The activities I authorized are reviewed approximately every 45 days. Dick, Karl, Rummy and I review them personally. Each review is
based on a fresh intelligence assessment of terrorist threats to the continuity of our government and the threat of catastrophic damage to our homeland. We're a bit behind catastrophic damage to our homeland, but Dick, Karl, Rummy and I are experts at asssessing threats to the continuity of our government.

During each assessment, previous activities under the authorization are reviewed. The review includes approval by our nation’s top legal officials, including the attorney general and the counsel to the president. These are guys are my best friends. You can trust them to approve any review of activities that help me keep and do my job. Some of those activities include keeping
track of 9/11 conspiracy theorists and Cindy Sheehan supporters, Moms for Murtha may be next so there’s a lot of work ahead. I  have reauthorized this internal self-review program more than 30 times since the September the 11th attacks, and I intend to do so for as long as our nation faces a continuing threat from al Qaeda and related groups without borders.

The NSA’s activities under this authorization are thoroughly reviewed by the Justice Department and NSA’s top legal officials, including NSA’s general counsel, inspector general and the American Enterprise Institute. As I said, they’re my friends, they’re my daddy’s friends too, and we hand picked them for a reason, to keep our way of life safe form all kinds of foreign and domestic terrorists.

Leaders in Congress have been briefed more than a dozen times on this authorization and the activities conducted under it. Just last month I told senator Hillary Clinton that we found out Arab terrorists aren’t the only ones who like falafel. Intelligence officials involved in these activities also receive extensive training to ensure they perform their duties, consistent with the letter and intent of the authorization rather than the law. Sometimes that letter is a blank because anything is possible and everything is classified. But if you’re a law enforcement agent, a blank letter of authorization is easier to understand than the Fourth Amendment. This authorization is a vital took, I mean hook,  in our war against terrorists without borders. It is critical to saving American lives from un-American activities right here in our in our own homeland.

The American people expect me to do everything under my power under our laws and constitution to protect them and their civil liberties, and that is exactly what I will continue to do so long as I am the president of the United Corporate State of America. Thank you.

Nov 26, 2005 at 00:50 o\clock

Vote for Me, Dump Hillary!

Mood: Darwinian with a touch of Marx
Listening to: It's a Small World After All

Everyone on my block agrees that I have no qualifications for most jobs let alone the presidency of the United States. My family and friends will tell you that I’m a terrible person who will burn in Hell for depriving them of spiritual comfort, self-esteem, and security. What’s worse, I don’t and I won’t  wear one thousand dollar power pant suits. No disrespect to Hillary, but this is America and it’s OK to wear Goodwill sweatpants at the Aldi supermarket.

That’s right, I get my clothes at the Goodwill, not at the Gap or Gucci. I also cut my own hair. Unlike stylish Hillary, I’m an affordable presidential candidate who won’t beg for campaign money or waste it explaining her economic policy to the American people. My economic policy is simple. I’m the Aldi shopper who brings her own bags and always returns the cart for the deposit----25 cents is one quarter of a US dollar or, in Aldi shopper terms, about half a pound of turkey dogs. Turkey dogs have lots of salt, so if you’re prone to heart disease and don’t have health insurance, you should gently boil the salt out the turkey dogs twice and drain the water. Forget Social Security and Medicaid reform, my food and healthcare plan is both affordable and simple:  (1) Aldi’s accepts 25 cents but not credit cards;  (2) boil it if it’s salty, avoid it if it’s sweet; and if that doesn’t work, (3) a cheap packet of antibiotics from the Farm Bureau Coop can heal a whole village of sick pigs, turkeys and humans.

In fairness to Hillary, she knows a thing or two about villages. She’s right that it takes a whole village to raise a child and just one bomb to raze the whole village. I just don’t agree that if you want your village to raise a child, you’ve got to bomb some other village in Iraq. It’s a fact that insane Saudi Arabians attacked Hillary’s own Manhattan village. It’s also a fact that Saudi Arabia and Iraq occupy different places on every map I’ve seen, so bombing a village in Iraq to keep Manhattan village safe from insane Saudi Arabians makes about as much sense as shooting a squirrel to prevent the bird flu. Every Aldi shopper knows that you shoot a squirrel because you’re hungry and running out of cheap of turkey dogs.

Let’s face it, most American villages are running out of lots of things, including the oil it takes to produce all those cheap turkey dogs in plastic wrapping.  Hillary knows this, she’s just too depressed to admit it. She cheerfully pretends that a “free Iraq” will provide America and its friend Israel with a “free lunch.”  I don’t believe in free lunches of any kind. Whether you live in Sadar City or Scarsdale, you’ve got to expend energy and kill something directly or indirectly to eat. The indirect method, called a “cheap lunch” by freemarket economists, appeals to Hillary’s supporters in Scarsdale.  Scarsdale folk don’t generally do their own killing and butchering; they’re upscale market shoppers, way too civilized to admit that people in Sadar City are dying because there’s really no such thing as a free “cheap lunch” anywhere on this overcrowded planet.

I’m not upscale or particularly civilized. I'm just an Aldi shopper who can’t afford to be soft on the problem of free lunches. If you're soft you tend to become someone's cheap lunch or starve. The ugly truth is that you don’t even have to be hungry to start hoarding squirrel meat and shooting at your neighbor, you just have to be human. Right here in my own village there’s more and more hoarding of the American dream by fewer and fewer people.  Unfortunately, soft and stylish Hillary doesn’t know what to do about it. Instead of voting against the bankruptcy reform bill, she couldn’t make up her mind about something as simple as feeding a person instead of a bank. It’s a no brainer for me. Bank of America will absolutely donate more money to a presidential campaign than my friend Tricia who can’t make payments on a huge medical bill. Bank of America sends me lots of junk mail, Tricia gives me compliments on the funky haircut and the recycled urban teen sweatpants. She makes me feel like a "hot" Hillary and I wouldn’t trade that for a cool million.

If you think that Hillary will trade just about anything to become president of the United States, then you should vote for me. Since I’ve never wanted to be president of anything, not even student council or PTA, I’m the most qualified to resist bribery from the Bank of America. My motto is, "If you don't want it badly enough, no one can pay you to take it." I won’t lie to voters and pretend that God likes me, if anything God doesn’t believe that I exist so I’m totally on my own. But being on my own has it’s advantages. For one thing, I can spot other people who are also on their own from at least 10,000 miles away. There are billions of them! Here in the US they’re easier to spot, all I have to do is watch C-Span or preacher Pat Robertson’s  “Give me Heaven on Earth” show. These people are so convinced that God doesn’t believe in their existence that they’re taking no chances and padding their earthly nests right here, right now, just call this 1-800-$$$-$$$$ number.

Deferred salvation sounds good in principle, but remember that this is America, a land where deferred gratification is worse than Hell. If  I’m elected president, I’m going to help all Americans, rich and poor, adjust to living in Hell. I guarantee that it’ll be OK to walk to work in Goodwill sweatpants, to shop for generic turkey dogs at Aldi’s, and to grow nutritious organic dandelions in every suburban lawn.  As for those Scarsdale and Manhattan village people who refuse to wear anything but pricey pantsuits, they and Hillary will have to move to China.  

Oct 4, 2005 at 07:10 o\clock

EU PROTECTS ITALIAN CARROT FROM IMITATIONS

(AGI) - Rome, Oct 3 - In a bid to buffer unlawful imitations of Italian-made products, the European Union has licensed the first Italian IGP carrot, namely the "Fucino plateau carrot", Italy's Farmers Association Coldiretti has said. This brings the number of Italian-made fruit and agriculture products licensed under IGP up to 43, with the overall number of Italian-made specialties protected by the EU rising to 150. If the EU's decision is not vetoed by any member state over the next six months, the Fucino carrot will be officially included in the EU List of quality-controlled products. 

There are carrots and then there's the ITALIAN FUCINO CARROT! It's smaller but better, rather like the Italian shoe. But how can a carrot be unlawful imitation of a carrot? Is it permissible to advertise one's orange root product in this way, "Looks and tastes just like the Fucino plateau carrot!" One could grow genetic clones of the Fucino carrot near Gouda . Give or take a bit of variation in sunshine and soil, it's still a carrot of the Fucino plateau variety; the only significant difference is that a Dutch farmer would be pulling it out of the ground instead of an Italian farmer. Same carrot, different farmers!  Instead of pushing the EU to regulate, farmers should negotiate. The farmers of Fucino could negotiate an agreement with the cheesemakers of Gouda. "We'll allow you to grow and sell tasty Gouda-Fucino carrots if we can produce and sell Fucino-Gouda cheese. The Irish are interested as well." Before you can say Salvatore Ferragamo, we'll all be celebrating the end of unlawful imitation carrots, cheese, wine, bread, chocolate, and shoes with a glass of Guinness-Gouda-Fucino stout.

Sep 30, 2005 at 03:56 o\clock

Disaster Planning 101: Bells and Whistles

Hurricanes Katrina and Rita could be a Luddite's dream...millions of dollars of high tech gadetry and no power to operate any of it! Even in the best of times it's difficult to reach thousands of poor or tuned out people by home entertainment centers, CD players, Ipods, Laptops, and cell phones. In the worst of times, power to those devices is cut or runs dry. When that happens,  millions are left behind in deadly silence.

We live in a high-tech, high energy bubble planet that can burst with a pin prick. If the 300 channel sattelite dish blows over, victim and rescuer can be within a half mile of each other and not know it. This is not only tragic, it's insanely stupid. We of the Microsoft Age are not the first humans on the planet to develop communication systems for emergency situations big and small. During World War II high frequency hand cranked radios worked quite well without electrical power. These are still available. Sirens in London and Trieste were effective in urging people to seek bomb shelters. In the US midwest sirens are used for tornado warnings. In many villages and towns the church bells still ring out announcements. You don't need electricity to power a churchbell. Smart boaters carry flares and oars. Smart hikers carry a two way radio, a tiny portable radio, or at the very least a reflective blanket and a whistle. Smart disaster planners should take a hike and get a clue.