Butterflies and Hurricanes

Butterflies and Hurricanes http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Butterflies_and_Hurricanes <embed FlashVars='idno=21098-f2db199609855b6980e76ecd1e4cfec1&channel_id=1&ticker_type=2&width=90&hline=Bought+This+HolBRfor+my+husbands+birthdayBRbut+heBRand+IBRIt&hfnt=Arial&hfnt_size=16&hfnt_color=ff008c&eline=Fun+in+the+Sun%21BR&eyear=2005&emnth=10&eday=1&ehour=15&eminute=0&tfnt=Arial&tfnt_size=10&tfnt_color=ffffff&banner_bg_color=00f7ff&wallpaper_id=0&event_outline=1&no_action=0' src='http://v1.blogsnip.com/event-viewer3.php' quality='high' bgcolor='#ffffff' width='90' height='305' name='event-ticker' align='middle' allowScriptAccess='sameDomain' type='application/x-shockwave-flash' pluginspage='http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer' /> <a href='http://www.blogstreet.com/bin/profile.cgi?url=http://www.blogigo.com/butterflies_and_hurricanes'> <img src="http://www.blogstreet.com/images/owner/blogstreet_home.gif?WWZSQAVF1126735267" border=0 /></a> en Honest_Mistake Honest_Mistake Mon, 12 Dec 2005 17:24:00 +0100 daily 1 SICK I have been really ill this past week, real flu that renders your whole body a lump that will not move.  This morning Jay made an appointment for me at the Dr's, I wasn't going to, but it's a good job he did cos I've got pleuracy (prob spelt wrong), which leads to pnemonia if not treated.  Needless to say it is very painful and I am scoffing the steroids he has given me with glee. I tried to e-mail my good friend today but he has blocked me out. Thanks Russell.  Can anyone tell me how to make some of my previous entries private?  Mon, 12 Dec 2005 17:24:00 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Butterflies_and_Hurricanes/SICK/6/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Butterflies_and_Hurricanes/SICK/6/ Back to work, sleep paralyses and pre-romantic meal Went back to work today.  It went well, should start finding some sense of normality again now.  Although I am sleeping very badly again.  I think I've had 2 nights decent sleep in the last 4 or 5 weeks at least. I've had sleep paralysyes again last night, had it a few times recently.  It's pretty freaky but I've got quite used to it now and can actually manage to wake myself up from it.  I get it when I'm stressed or over tired.  Think I might take a trip to my Dr to see if she'll give me some sleeping tablets.  How I would love to have a full nights sleep for a few nights on the run.  That would be like heaven! After my last lengthly blog I've kind of been busy and haven't felt like writing anything.  But since I wrote it its given me a sort of calm and strength.  He's been texting me (soon to be ex husband) trying to make contact but I've just ignored him.  He's been all nice and thoughtful about me in his texts.  But I feel... Fri, 23 Sep 2005 00:03:26 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Butterflies_and_Hurricanes/Back-work-sleep-paralyses-and-pre-romantic-meal/5/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Butterflies_and_Hurricanes/Back-work-sleep-paralyses-and-pre-romantic-meal/5/ Male Escort! I've just got out of bed which is quite disgusting considering it now 4pm!  I did get up and 10am and went out and got some breakfast with J (new man) but went back to bed at 1pm cos I was feelin well rough... plus my son, K is with my husband for the weekend and it's rare I can do it.  Plus.. I have to be up at 4.30am in the morning cos I'm doing a car boot sale and getting rid of loads of stuff I don't need.   When my husband suggested we go out for tea, as a family on Wednesday, it was meant to be to talk and try and find some kind of peace and good level of relationship between us.  For the last week he has been turning on the 'I am still in love with you' and 'I do want to be with you for the rest onf my life'  but also the 'I can never forgive myself for what I have done and how I have hurt the person I love most in the world, how can I ever be with you now Knowing what I've done' (You're probably being sick now!) and going... Sat, 17 Sep 2005 18:34:27 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Butterflies_and_Hurricanes/Male-Escort/4/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Butterflies_and_Hurricanes/Male-Escort/4/ Positive Mental Attitude! Well, last night I went to bed before midnight.  For weeks now I have gone to bed later and later, knowing that once the light is off my head will go into torturous overdrive and that my eyes will spring wide open while I lie for hours trying not to think.  Eventually I fall asleep waking only a few hours later to get up with my son, feeling tired, drained, depressed and lost. Last night, I went to be, turned of the light and kept saying positive things in my head.  I will be ok, I am strong, I will survive, I can do anything I want, I don't know what the future is but I can make it good, I will be happy again... I led there repeating it, telling myself I would fall asleep, I was smiling while I said it all.  And do you know what?  IT WORKED!!!  I fell asleep and woke up this morning feeling better than I have in weeks! My son helps, he is a bundle of happiness in a morning and makes the sun shine in my heart. I feel more positive, I am going to keep on... Fri, 16 Sep 2005 11:37:44 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Butterflies_and_Hurricanes/Positive-Mental-Attitude/3/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Butterflies_and_Hurricanes/Positive-Mental-Attitude/3/ Head in Bits My husband started taking steroids last summer, he was injecting loads of different types, stacking them over days not weeks.  I didn't realise how much he was doin. Obviously he changed, turned into a selfish, arragant volatile person.  Never hit me, it wasn't like that.  I tried to tell him but he said I was making it all up.  It was hell.  He said he'd stopped but he hadn't.  We'd been so in love, everyone thought we were the perfect couple.  Got on like best friends, loved each others company, did everything together.  Had a beautiful 2yr old son, good jobs, beautiful home etc.  Really felt like we were gonna be together for ever.  How wrong I was. At the same time he took steroids, a new female started on his team.  Nobody liked her, she was having a hard time.  He took her under his wing.  Thats the sort of person he was, always looking out for people.  But I became suspicious after a series of events.  Had... Thu, 15 Sep 2005 13:36:25 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Butterflies_and_Hurricanes/Head-in-Bits/2/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Butterflies_and_Hurricanes/Head-in-Bits/2/ Butterflies and Hurricanes I am fluttering through a fierce storm I am tired and my wings are torn. What brings me here?  Love, emotion, devastation.  Deceipt, lies, treachery, betrayal.  Disbeleif, sadness, loss.  Anger.  Insanity.  Foolishness. Not one muscle inside me can I move The heavy pressure upon my soul Holds me down and I’ve lost control And in the dark I move slowly   To the world outside they see a smile Hiding turmoil and sadness that wells deep down As the days go by and inside me a frown And in the dark I move slowly   I want to step outside of these shoes Tired of the hurt, tired of   these blues I want to run away not sure if I should stay But in the dark I move slowly   And slowly I try to make my way   I wrote this poem,... Wed, 14 Sep 2005 23:25:52 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Butterflies_and_Hurricanes/Butterflies-and-Hurricanes/1/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/Butterflies_and_Hurricanes/Butterflies-and-Hurricanes/1/