Butterflies and Hurricanes

Dec 12, 2005 at 17:24 o\clock

SICK

Mood: Bored

I have been really ill this past week, real flu that renders your whole body a lump that will not move. 

This morning Jay made an appointment for me at the Dr's, I wasn't going to, but it's a good job he did cos I've got pleuracy (prob spelt wrong), which leads to pnemonia if not treated.  Needless to say it is very painful and I am scoffing the steroids he has given me with glee.

I tried to e-mail my good friend today but he has blocked me out.

Thanks Russell. 

Can anyone tell me how to make some of my previous entries private? 

Sep 23, 2005 at 00:03 o\clock

Back to work, sleep paralyses and pre-romantic meal

Mood: Tired but relaxed
Listening to: Dare - Gorillaz, What a top top track!

Went back to work today.  It went well, should start finding some sense of normality again now.  Although I am sleeping very badly again.  I think I've had 2 nights decent sleep in the last 4 or 5 weeks at least.

I've had sleep paralysyes again last night, had it a few times recently.  It's pretty freaky but I've got quite used to it now and can actually manage to wake myself up from it.  I get it when I'm stressed or over tired.  Think I might take a trip to my Dr to see if she'll give me some sleeping tablets.  How I would love to have a full nights sleep for a few nights on the run.  That would be like heaven!

After my last lengthly blog I've kind of been busy and haven't felt like writing anything.  But since I wrote it its given me a sort of calm and strength.  He's been texting me (soon to be ex husband) trying to make contact but I've just ignored him.  He's been all nice and thoughtful about me in his texts.  But I feel ok, not tempted to respond.  I've been blocking him out of my thoughts really without trying very hard at all... and

While I was sat at work today I was thinking of J with a smile on my face and he's taking me out for a romantic meal tomorrow!  He's certainly put a smile on my face.

 

Sep 17, 2005 at 18:34 o\clock

Male Escort!

Mood: Hungover
Listening to: the sound of running water in my fish tank

I've just got out of bed which is quite disgusting considering it now 4pm!  I did get up and 10am and went out and got some breakfast with J (new man) but went back to bed at 1pm cos I was feelin well rough... plus my son, K is with my husband for the weekend and it's rare I can do it.  Plus.. I have to be up at 4.30am in the morning cos I'm doing a car boot sale and getting rid of loads of stuff I don't need.

 
When my husband suggested we go out for tea, as a family on Wednesday, it was meant to be to talk and try and find some kind of peace and good level of relationship between us.  For the last week he has been turning on the 'I am still in love with you' and 'I do want to be with you for the rest onf my life'  but also the 'I can never forgive myself for what I have done and how I have hurt the person I love most in the world, how can I ever be with you now Knowing what I've done' (You're probably being sick now!) and going on that its killing him to know I am seeing someone else.
 
So, he  then texted me on Wednesday saying he would pick me up at 4 but had to leave by half 6.  Which I thought was a bit odd since we were meant to be talking.  Suddenly any talking would be rushed.  When he came, I said, how come you have to leave at 6.30.  He said I just do' and was being all defensive, next he's saying he doesn't want to tell me cos I will probably get upset.  So I said, oh right, you're meeting a woman then.  Yes, he said.  It's nothing serious, met her a couple of weeks ago and was just goin for a few drinks.  I was absolutely gutted but didn't let it show.
 
We ate out, then, had a couple of drinks afterwards.  I asked where he had met her, then he said he had actually gone out a few times with her friend, and then this woman rang him asking if she could take him out.  He said she was rich, a bit older than me (I'm 32) (he's 29).  She paid for everything.  Then he said he felt she was trying to buy him, so when I asked what he meant he said she had asked him if she could take him away on holiday!  So, obviously I said how wierd it was for two women who are supposed to be friends seeing the same man after each other and that it was just not normal and pretty fucking wierd.  He just shrugged and said, well, it's just something to do, I might as well go if they're payig for my night out, it means nothing to me etc and you're seeing someone else.
 
10 minutes later he started to tell me, and said I would probably laugh, that he was thinking becoming a male escort, that he could make up to £500 a time.  You don't have to sleep with them but if you do it's called extra's, and he wouldnt be doin that.  YEAH RIGHT!
 
I am so stupid, but was also so hurt about him still going on this date when we should have been the priority with our talk, that I didn't put 2 & 2 together, ie, rich women, using same man, paying for everything, until I told my friend yesterday and she said 'that sounds like a male escort!  Then I remembered what he'd said he'd been thinking of doin! 
 
I texted this morning, and put... put 2&2 together about your rich dates who pay for everythin and exchange men... enjoy your escort work!
 
To which he texted back ...Sarah, I am not a male escort!  Yeak right, course you're not! 
 
Bloody man whore!  Can't beleive that this is the same man who I married, loved and cherished.  It's bizarre.

Sep 16, 2005 at 11:37 o\clock

Positive Mental Attitude!

Mood: Smiling! Buzzing!
Listening to: My inner guru!!!

Well, last night I went to bed before midnight.  For weeks now I have gone to bed later and later, knowing that once the light is off my head will go into torturous overdrive and that my eyes will spring wide open while I lie for hours trying not to think.  Eventually I fall asleep waking only a few hours later to get up with my son, feeling tired, drained, depressed and lost.

Last night, I went to be, turned of the light and kept saying positive things in my head.  I will be ok, I am strong, I will survive, I can do anything I want, I don't know what the future is but I can make it good, I will be happy again... I led there repeating it, telling myself I would fall asleep, I was smiling while I said it all.  And do you know what?  IT WORKED!!!  I fell asleep and woke up this morning feeling better than I have in weeks!

My son helps, he is a bundle of happiness in a morning and makes the sun shine in my heart.

I feel more positive, I am going to keep on telling myself good things and make changes to my life, my thought, me.  I have loads going for me.  And I do.  I think I was drowning myself in the hurt and misery, now I'm going to shake it off.  I'm going to sing and dance and wash away the blues!

No-one else can make me feel happy, I have to do it myself.  We are all in control of what we want to feel.  God!  I sound like a self help book!!!  GOOD!  BLOODY GOOD!!!

Hurray hurray hurray!!!!!! Stuff him!  He's the loser, not me!   

Sep 15, 2005 at 13:36 o\clock

Head in Bits

Mood: Confused and bewilddered
Listening to: Fimbles on TV!!

My husband started taking steroids last summer, he was injecting loads of different types, stacking them over days not weeks.  I didn't realise how much he was doin.

Obviously he changed, turned into a selfish, arragant volatile person.  Never hit me, it wasn't like that.  I tried to tell him but he said I was making it all up.  It was hell.  He said he'd stopped but he hadn't.  We'd been so in love, everyone thought we were the perfect couple.  Got on like best friends, loved each others company, did everything together.  Had a beautiful 2yr old son, good jobs, beautiful home etc.  Really felt like we were gonna be together for ever.  How wrong I was.

At the same time he took steroids, a new female started on his team.  Nobody liked her, she was having a hard time.  He took her under his wing.  Thats the sort of person he was, always looking out for people.  But I became suspicious after a series of events.  Had loads of evidence to say something was going on, from Sept.  We split up.  He treated me like shit.  Said he didn't know if this was what he wanted anymore.  I can't put into words how it devastated me.  He lied and lied saying there was nothing going on.  Evenyually, in January, we got back together.  He changed his job so he didn't have to work with her. He'd stopped taking the steroids and said they had screwed him up, he lost himself.  Still maintained there had been nothing going on with her.

Things were strained, in the back of my mind I had a seed of doubt, though I never brought it up.  I did actually beleive him, he was such an honest person.

Then, in July we split.  Too much hurt had gone on, he wasn't his self and I knew something was wrong.  One week later who should turn up at my door?  She did.  Drunk at 3am on a Saturdau mornin.  Wanted to tell me the truth.  I wanted to hear it.  They had had an affair from Oct to Dec last year.  She thought I 'deserved' to know the truth.  He denied it at first then admitted to it. I filed for divorce.  My world caved in, I'm losing my husband, my home (I can't afford it on my own and its up for sale) and I've had to cut my hours right down at work so I'm in a financial hell as well as everything else.

I went out, got pissed as you do.  Even when we split last year I never went with anyone, not even a kiss.  I still hoped we would get back together.  God, I could have done tons of times, but I didn't.  When we split up this time I was sure that was it.  How could things ever be the same?  He was making no effort to fight for me.  Nothing.  Then I met someone two weeks after we split.  It's not often I see someone who I think is really gorgeous, but I did then, he's friend of a friend.  Proper eye candy and sound, funny, really can't fault him.  He's only 22 (oh mu God) and I'm 32 so I was chuffed he fancied me!  Ha ha!  Lifeted my spirits cos when I say he's fit I mean fit, woman magnet! Went out with him  in a group for next few weeks, still didn't kiss him (!) and he didn't push.  Then he sent me 12 red roses on my birthday.  So, then my husband hears I am seein someone, even though I wasn't really, kind of, he sent me a text sayin he never really wanted me back anyway and good luck to my new man.  I was livid, like it was all just a sham, he'd strung me along all this time since January and caused me heartbreak all over again.  I'd been hangin on for him to fight for me.  Next minute he's tellin me he's still in love with me, wants to be with me.  

Last night I went out for tea with husband and son, for first time since we split.  It was meant to be to talk, to try and resolve some form of friendship/tolerance.  Then he told me he had to leave early, he had a date!!  Has been on a few. I died inside, pretended I was ok with it, but when he dropped me off I lost it, had a huge row, but he kept saying yeh, but how can you go mad, you've got another man, you're divorcing me.

Fucking BASTARD!

 

Sep 14, 2005 at 23:25 o\clock

Butterflies and Hurricanes

Mood: Nearly numb
Listening to: Look What You've Done - JET - (Album GET BORN)

I am fluttering through a fierce storm

I am tired and my wings are torn.

What brings me here?  Love, emotion, devastation.  Deceipt, lies, treachery, betrayal.  Disbeleif, sadness, loss.  Anger.  Insanity.  Foolishness.

Not one muscle inside me can I move

The heavy pressure upon my soul

Holds me down and I’ve lost control

And in the dark

I move slowly

 

To the world outside they see a smile

Hiding turmoil and sadness that wells deep down

As the days go by and inside me a frown

And in the dark

I move slowly

 

I want to step outside of these shoes

Tired of the hurt, tired of  these blues

I want to run away not sure if I should stay

But in the dark

I move slowly

 

And slowly I try to make my way

 

I wrote this poem, lyrics, whatever it is, on 28 May 2005.  I found it today, forgot that I wrote it, was reading e-mails, letter sent between me and my soon to be ex-(cheating) husband.  I though that I'd been happy then.  I remember now it was when I was wondering why I was still with him, I knew something was not right.  I knew there was a high possibility that they were all lies.  Now I know they are.  The truth came out.  Visciously assaulted after all the faith I held in him.  She put the knife in him and turned it.  She wanted to cause ruin and she has.  It will become clear as you read on.  I have been on an emotional roller coaster for the last year, maybe more. And I want to get off.  It's making me sick.

 

I beleived in true love.  I beleived in him.  He was honest, caring, loving.  Never known anyone like him.  And he has destroyed my life.  I don't know who he is.  I feel lost sometimes.  He lied and lied and lied.  God was he a good liar.

 

 

Let's run over our ex's! What fun!!