Beefy Or Peachy

This is not going to be a long post as I am very tired tonight. We had another chiropractic treatment earlier and while it helped me it has also left me a bit fatigued.

As I am lying here getting ready for sleep with my hubby's gentle snore beside me the thought came to my mind, 'am I happy with how I behaved today in all circumstances?' So I pose the same question to you to contemplate. If we take time to reflect about our behavior at the end of each day perhaps it will influence us in a positive way in how we act or react the next day to be the best person we can be.

Give love. Show love. Smile. Be merciful. Be compassionate. Be honest. Be kind. Be courteous. Imagine the impossible and make it possible. Don't let the light within you go out just because something bad happens as that is a temporary blip in your life. Move on. Hold on. Be brave. Be humble. Remember you are a unique and unrepeatable person every day of your life.

Good night,
Aly

My soul could not be soothed today by anything it seems so I went to a casino for a little while thinking I would stop feeling bad for just a little while, but nay, that didn't work either so I called my son to come pick me up.

There are days in my life that are so filled with grief that I can't seem to be soothed at all. I hate these days and I am so glad when they are over. I know I am grieving over the condition of my body and worried about my future with my hubby and how we are both going to deal with it, sigh. I know it just ruined today intellectually but my soul seemed to reign supreme today.

My son rented Reno 911 the movie and if you haven't rented it already save your money as it is too stupid for words. I love smart humor and hate just flat out dumb humor, and that describes this movie to a T.

Well have a good Monday all,
Aly

Don't you just hate it when you feel all nervous about some impending event but you don't know the specifics about what it is that is making you feel that way?

I got so nervous last night that I could just never totally settle down. I had those 'danciang restless legs' and that nervous energy that would not quit. I tried watching abit of tv with hubby, playing spades, talking to my son, not much helped that is for sure.

I was up late last night and here I am again up early this morning. I still feel tired, but wired, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I will be relieved when this passes.

On another topic, hubby is going to be able to go with me Thursday for my next injection since the last one hurt me so much so I won't have to grin and bear it alone and that I really appreciate! Just his presence helps me in many ways :).

Well later folks, but in the meantime, share a little sunshine with someone, even if it is just your pet, grin!
Aly

Even though the car has been repaired and the house has been cleaned up again, areas reorganized, I feel a profound sadness inside my soul. I hurt so much today from the arthritis in the various parts of my body that I can almost not deal with it so I suppose that is what is making me feel so sad.

I long to do so much more then I am physically capable of doing. Mentally I can do it all and without anyone's help, however that is not my reality these days.

I feel myself envying others who are so mobile and seem to not have pain in their simple movements in life. I do not want to feel sorry for myself, I simply want to do more.

Signing off,
Aly

Well yesterday after I managed to get my shower taken I experienced such pain that I became nauseous and full of fear that I could not get through another hour of this pain. I called my friend and asked if she could come over until my hubby got home. She did and we talked a few minutes and then she played Pogo while I tried to center myself again.

Once hubby got home I was so relieved to see him and to have him hold me that I simply collapsed ih his arms and slept for several hours. He rested and slept awhile too. Later he woke me up telling me dinner was ready but I wasn't hungry. I was in and out of sleep for another hour. Finally my friend was leaving and she needed him to run an errand for her which he did, and he came home with small dairy queen ice creams. I did eat that. He thought I would wake up enough for that and he was right as usual. Our friend left around 11 pm and we went to bed and again I slept all night I am so physically and emotionally tired from this pain.

Today is hubby's big interview for a manager's position and I'm hoping we hear soon as that is what I've been waiting for to tell my doctor we have to do something with this knee bc I can't bear it any longer. I hope they are swift in their decision making process. If I have to wait another week I'm not sure what I will do. I did speak to my aunt in Florida yesterday and she said if I needed her she would come. I know she has procedures scheduled for herself later this month so I have tried not to ask her.

I will have 'HOPE' today that hubby gets this long awaited promotion. I will have HOPE today that the pain will be less today so that I can deal with it. I will have 'HOPE' today that our nation will learn how to bring more joy and peace to our nation and less loss of lives and useless deaths to so many innocent people. I will have 'HOPE' today that when we are confronted with tough issues that we will make the 'right' decisions' and not based on material gains or oil or political gain.

Perhaps my ideas of 'HOPE' are too big too attain? I hope not.

The fatigue of all I have been dealing with finally caught up with me yesterday and as a result I slept part of the afternoon, and evening and again so fatigued I couldn't get up to watch 24 and Heroes with hubby. I woke up long enough to take my meds and say good nite to hubby and fell back to sleep until 6 this morning.

I woke up in pain, and in tears as I guess the pain woke me up. I am so worn out from all of this I don't quite know what to do next. I did fax in a request for a release of all of my medical records from my surgeon to be sent to me for us to review before my next visit. If the pain continues as it has these past 4 days I won't be able to stand it until May 24th when my next appt is scheduled to be. We are tossing around the idea of a second opinion. I think hubby thinks I should just get the knee replacement but I have two other things to be done this year, one being having surgery to have my gallbladder removed. I feel overwhelmed with all my health problems and my spirit is so worn out I woke up asking hubby to pray for me before he had to leave for work as I feel like I am giving up, but perhaps it is more that I am giving out under the duress of almost constant pain.

So another long day ahead of me.. hoping for moments of relief, and sleep to escape the pain.

Aly

Well I had a really horrific dream of losing blood and seeing it splash on the floor! I can tell you I was quite upset when I did wake up so I looked up dream moods.

To dream that you are bleeding or losing blood, signifies that you are suffering from exhaustion or that you are feeling emotionally drained. It may also denote bitter confrontations between you and your friends.  Your past actions has come back to haunt you. Women often dream of blood or of someone bleeding shortly before or during their periods and when they are pregnant.

If you are interested in looking up a dream mood here is their link:

http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamthemes/bodyparts.htm

I have had far too many days alone with my cat Jordan and many of those days in pain looking around and seeing all that needs to be done in our home and yet I am unable to do very much of it. I must find a way to get out more and be with people. I can only play so many games and write so many emails and then the lonliness, despair, fear, and all the negative emotions want to take over. I simply can't allow that to happen as I know once the decent into hell begins it is a long way back to good health and feeling good about yourself again.

I can't imagine being severely disabled all the time. My heart goes out to all that are after these past 7 months of feeling so cut off from a normal way of life. I pray for peace and love for all those that do suffer from a severe disability and pray there are people there to help you along through your days and nights.

May God's mercy look out for us all,
Aly

Well I am feeling more hopeful about my knee as the pain is finally decreasing some however due to all the antibiotics I've been on I now have a systemic yeast infection which is making me extremely tired besides uncomfortable :(.

I have called my PCP and advised her that the over the counter meds and acidopholous are not working and will she prescribe me something stronger. I am longing for a day of feeling 'well.'

I am sure my hubby is waiting for that day as well as he must be sick of me being laid up or sick for so many months.

Today is his day off and I still can't be up and about. I feel like I'll be sleeping again shortly and I've only been up a few hours.

I have also heard the news about the massacre at VA Tech and feel so outraged and sad at the same time. I hate guns. Always have and always will. So many parents must be out of their minds with worry who have their sons or daughters at that University. The violence in this world is so out of control it is mind boggling.

Take time to give someone you love a HUG today,
Aly

After reading Driftings' post I started to think about the subject of our reflections in the mirror and whether or not the mirror has the capability of showing a person's 'total beauty?' That total beauty encompasses the beauty of their heart and soul that eminates all around them and adds beauty to those people who are just around or near them. You know, not everyone can be a size 0, and frankly I wouldn't want to be because if you become seriously ill you have nothing to live off of as there is nothing extra to pull from. We have been brainwashed so long to think that only stick figures are pretty that we have forgotten to appreciate our curves as well.

If we learn to love who we are, how we are in the world, well then and only then do we possess a secret inner beauty about life and our existence in it.

Have a nice evening or morning folks wherever you may be!
Aly

After going to church this past Palm Sunday and feeling the love and warmth of our church community I realized how very much I missed not being able to get there for the past several months due to hubby working on Sundays. Now that his schedule has changed and he has Sunday and Monday off we can now reconnect with our church friends and time to worship.

We always are received with so much love and kindness that I often don't understand why but I know it feels wonderful to be blessed by their presence. Hubby and I helped out with some education projects and I helped with answering phones when we lived in that area. I guess they haven't forgotten. They also embrace our marriage even with our age difference and see it as a positive thing and never look down their nose at us but exactly the opposite. How wonderful it is to feel so welcome and cared for!

So I may still be hobbling in but I will get there this Easter Sunday. I may not be dressed in Easter finery but I will be there and happy to take part of this celebration of Jesus. We will have company again Saturday thru Monday with my sister and aunt coming up to spend time with us and with her daughter so I'm sure we will all spend some good times together. My aunt has told Tariq she will help him with the laundry and that is music to his ears, lol.

A time to be thankful for all that we do have

A time to be kind to our fellow man

A time to make those phone calls we have intended to make

A time to celebrate God's love for us

A time to cherish all children with love and respect

A time to honor our life.

Peace, courage, and Love,
Aly

Both hubby and I have had to face great challenges with my health and he with his job both focusing on either failure to accomplish something or a huge disappointment. How do we cope emotionally and physically without breaking down and being too angry over what has happened but rather find a real goal to work towards that will soften the blow and get us on the right paths again. We had started to let everything work on us to the point that is was harming our relationship as we were at each other for the silliest of things that normally we would laugh off - but have found that is not so easy to do in the face of negativity and disappointment.

My knee continues to hurt when I walk on it so I must call the doctor and see if they want me to get an MRI done or what to determine if there is a tear. It certainly feels like it.

My girl friend came over this afternoon and brought lunch and just visited with me for awhile and then we played games on the computers. It helps to have company now and then for sure. I managed to get the clean dishes put away and the dirty ones in the dishwasher but that was all I could do standing up. Hubby grumbled a little while doing laundry but not in any serious way, lol.

Our cat Jordan continues to howl at the bedroom door where my aunt stays when she is here. He loves her like he loves us and he's letting us know he's not happy she's not here. After he's done sulking I'll reopen the door to her room after a few more days.

Well my tummy was upset but has calmed down some so I guess I will try to get some precious sleep.

Sweet dreams to all,
Aly

When we look at ourself in the mirror and we don't particularly like the reflection of what we see, what do we do then? Do we take a pro-active stance to mend the things we don't like or do we simply fall deeper into depression over the things mirrored back to us that seem as though we are looking at a stranger?

What happened to the person I use to be? Where and when did I fall off the path that I thought I was on? Do we take the easy way out and blame our partner or someone else because we haven't taken appropriate actions to get back on track?

I know I can be a better person then what I am right now. I know I have let my faith slide abit. I also know I have let my reading slide for the past several years so now I have two books that I am reading simultaneously to start to pour in more goodness and beauty of life.

I know I need to take better care of my health. I know I have often let myself get depressed over my many health issues instead of being grateful to be above ground and being loved.

I know I need to look in the mirror again and say, "I love you and I will take better care of you." I know I need to thank God for the many blessings I do have. The hell of depression can rob you of the quality of life. It is up to us to find our way back with the help of God, ourselves and those who love us and those we love.

May the mirror of our hearts be reflecting love and grace,
Aly

and I wonder why I feel so empty inside and so alone. Depression sneaks up on you so quickly you never even realize it sometimes until it is too late and you just feel like a shell of the person you use to be.

Well it seems all of this waiting and all the pain has reduced me to a blubbering baby today and I can't seem to stop it. I hate when this happens. There is so much that needs to be done and I just freakin can't do any of it.

After watching the show, Heroes, and hearing so much about one's Destiny, it has left me thinking about this topic more. Do you believe your destiny is all planned out long before you are born? Can you change your destiny? Do you believe in coincidence? Our life journey is often a difficult one and some things that may have happened to us not always pleasant experiences. Some people believe we choose our parents and families for a reason. Looking back over my childhood I can't imagine why I would have made this choice as my childhood was so traumatic and life changing for me. I survived it, but the ghosts of my past still haunt me.

Aly

When I awake later on today if I am fortunate enough to open my eyes another day, I will invite hope into my heart, my mind, and my soul to deal with all the health issues before me. I will not invite gloom or fear to stay by my side, instead I will invite healing, hope, and good news to come my way.

I make this pledge to myself tonight.

May Love, and Courage, and Peace follow our footsteps,
Aly