Buffy

Weight 350 pounds

Weight Loss 1st December 11 pounds

New weight 339 pounds

What to say?

I guess the purpose of this diary is mainly so that I can explore the reasons for my being overweight as well as some other pivotal beliefs and behaviours that shape who I am and what I do and the consquences of the same.  In other words the cause and effect of my life passage.

Just last week I weighed a whopping 350 pounds.  The most I have ever weighed in my life.  I have become my oldest sister, I have become my worse nightmare.  I read somewhere recently that fat people like those suffering from anorexia are trying to hide.  Anorexic people starve themselves to make themselves smaller and fat people make themselves fat in the hope of disappearing. You may ask youself how this can be so, well I think when you are fat you become a social nobody, you are ignored, passed over, dismissed.  You are therefore invisible.

Pondering on this matter and how it might relate to me particularly  I discovered that for me at least this may be true.  I dont really like to stand out from the crowd - if I did I might have to do something and if I did something I might fail and the failure would lead to pain and pain is to be avoided at all costs.  So yes, I think that I hide, I hide behind my fat.

There is something else though that bothers me about all this.  Last year my husband and I were at a party and I had lost a lot of weight, was feeling pretty good.  His uncle said to me  "you get better looking every time I see you"  (he was drunk at the time which always helps) but it touched something inside me, something inside me absolutely freaked and then, after that night,  I began to eat and eat - in fact my eating just spiralled out of control until at last I realised I had reached 25 stones.  My bathroom scales dont even register over 24.  Go figure!  There is something though within me about being slim and attractive that bothers even scares me, I know its something that is buried and I probaby shouldnt even try to tap into it but still I know its there I feel it.

Added to the above at the beginning of the year I caught pneumonia again thats the third year running.  Consequently I stopped smoking as it was systematically ripping out my lungs.  This time, unlike all the other times I stayed off them.  Consequently, I had to fill that addictive gap with something and I turned to my old friend food to fulfill that wee niche.  I guess food has always figured high in our family.  I remember my mother saying when I was a very young child that as long as we had something to eat we would be alright, my father had the same view and so food was important, sustaining and all consuming.

I have a buddy who said to me she wants to lose weight not for health purposes, not to live longer but for pure vanity - well personally I couldnt think of a better reason than that

So thats how I started.  350 pounds, 350 pounds, 350 pounds. If I carry on doing what Ive always done, Ill get what I always got. 350 pounds.

Amen