What makes us feel beautiful?
Mood: I feel loved
I must admit that as a young woman I felt ugly most of the time. I know at times I was too heavy and I know my weight problem was a direct result of being molested at such a young age. My weight kept boys or men from looking at me so much and I felt I could use that as a protection from further molestations. I was not an unattractive young girl as a matter of fact many people said how pretty I was. I had hair down to my waist, a nice smile, and my features were good in general. The problem was I had been tainted by my uncle since the age of 4 and I felt hiddeously ugly from the inside and that is how I must look to anyone who looked at me. My perception was that I had this flashing sign over my head and that the whole world knew my shame, and so I hid as much as possible behind my weight.
My mom hated me being overweight and would put me on diets and I would lose weight and then I would be 'back on the meat market' again. Sigh. I didn't know how to stay safe other then using my weight as a safety net around me. Even my closest's friend cousin who was 21 and I was then 13 would not keep his hands off me. Looking back on those days I don't know how I survived it all, period. 7 years of abuse by my uncle, a family who didn't protect me and my sister before me, from him, but rather medicated him and thought they all watched him carefully enough so that he would never harm us. He had a pedophile history before us but they thought they could contol him. Of course they didn't want the rest of the world to know their family had a pedophile in it. He is dead now and I feel nothing about him anymore. I have only asked God to please never return him to earth again unless he a normal and healthy human being who does not want to harm little girls.
Now, in my adult life, I don't feel ugly from the abuse any longer. It was not my fault and I know that now. I am loved by a wonderful compassionate man and although he is much younger then I am in years, in his heart and his wisdom he is much much older and because he is that way is why we 'work' together. My only grief is that I can not have his children and that I will not be able to have as many years with him as I would like to have but I do not regret our decision to marry and to live and love each other for as long as we can.
Being loved, and giving love in return is the most beautiful gift in the world. I believe the essense of true love transforms us all into beautiful people and the warmth and glow of love is seen by all who look upon us.
