Fishcake FanFic Forum

Mar 30, 2005 at 21:28 o\clock

Time of the month...

by: DJMaru

Mood: Expectant
Listening to: Football commentary

It's that time again, well, it's a little late this month. But it's due this Saturday. Here's the press release...

Listing Details:

Upfront @ The Hancock, 2a Hancock Street,
Newcastle upon Tyne (Tel: 0191 281 5653)

Saturday 02/04/05
Saturday 30/04/05
Saturday 28/05/05

Indie, Rock & Leftfield Shenanigans

DJ Al Smith

Free Entry!

8pm - 12am



Info:

Attendances have been rising over the last few months. The atmosphere has become so electric that an electrical fire started the night after the last gig and the venue nearly burned down!
 
Increased attendance could be down to listings in the Guide and a lovely blue box preview in the Metro, thanks.

The music policy is the same as usual, but Al's getting far too many requests for Morrissey and The Smiths (but you can't complain too much about that).
 
Expect The Bravery, Kaiser Chiefs, Wire, New Order, Grand National, Lemon Jelly, Daft Punk etc.

Mar 25, 2005 at 11:52 o\clock

I am honoured...

by: DJMaru

Mood: Anticipation
Listening to: One of those behind the scenes film promos

If you look to the right you may see that I've finally been approved to show BBC news headlines!

That way you may never leave my blog and you'll get to know everything that is happening in the whole world.

Mar 24, 2005 at 11:42 o\clock

This Schiavo nonsense...

by: DJMaru

Mood: Yawn
Listening to: Posh people

I've said before that this isn't a political blog and it's not a newsblog either. But this Schiavo thing is really getting on my tits.

There seem to be a lot of American bloggers (aren't there always) whingeing on about how the courts are going to let Terry Schiavo die. These are the same courts that sentence people to death. Oh yeah, we can't interfere in matters of life and death, except when we want them dead.

Anyways, Terry Schiavo is already dead, she died years ago. A machine is breathing for her. The fact that she will die when she is taken off the machine proves the case in point.

How long would the 'Blogs for Schiavo' nutters want this to continue? When she's 80 or 90 would they switch it off? And these are the people who are always complaining about taxes.

I don't generally agree with the pro-lifers anyway, but this issue seems a lot less complex than some would like us to believe.

The BBC set up a talking point for comments on their website, and it's amazing how many people from all over the world can see that prolonging Schiavo's life is unnatural and has become a bandwagon for the zealots.

Mar 21, 2005 at 08:37 o\clock

Pictures...

by: DJMaru

Mood: Industrious
Listening to: An aeroplane

I've not updated in a while as I've been quite busy. I will be putting some pictures up in the not-so-distant future though and will write another installment of FATM.

Thankyou for your numerous kind comments and guestbook entries. Keep watching.

Mar 15, 2005 at 16:33 o\clock

Letter to HBOS

by: DJMaru

Following on from my earlier post (see below). I have written a complaint letter to Halifax, I suggest you do the same...

Halifax plc
Halifax Customer Relations
Trinity Road
Halifax
HX1 2RG

15/03/05

Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing to you to complain about the recent poor decisions Halifax has made as a company.

As a loyal customer of HBOS I feel entitled to some explanation as to your corporate actions. I am not referring to the way you constantly fine me and have little respect or understanding of the fact that I am a student and sometimes I need to pay my rent, even if I don’t physically have all of the money. I understand why you do that, it makes good business sense, you’ve taken a lot of my cash (as I’ve already said, I don’t have much) and invested it elsewhere.

What I do wish to complain about is where that cash has gone. Whilst I have no say over what happens to my money once you have confiscated it I feel very aggrieved that you’ve given it to that Howard Brown. I have more talent in my little finger, no, not the right one, the left one.

I am sure Mr Brown has given you many years of loyal service and he’s probably good at working in a bank. Lets face it, he’s no Elton John or Gary Barlow now, is he? Please don’t let him sing, or smile to himself on a poster, mind you if I were earning all that money I’d smile too. If I send you a picture of me smiling will you give me some money? I promise I’ll be smug.

Whatever possessed you lot to release a single? You, HBOS, are not a record company. I do not trust your musical judgement any more than I trust Anthony Wilson (Factory Records) as a mortgage provider. The song is appalling. It’s bad enough on the advert.

As a customer I understand that you invest some of my money (when I have some) and use the profits to pay for interest etc. Am I entitled to information on how this information is used? If so do I have to apply under Data Protection or will you just reply in answer to my questions? That was the fifth question so far.

How much money does Howard Brown receive for an advert? How much has he received for “singing” on the record? Do you intend to pollute the airwaves with a subsequent release? If so, can I request that “Kelly (Training)” who served me in the Newcastle branch (near Dobson’s bar) yesterday releases a cover of ‘Nights in White Satin’ by the Moody Blues? You could alter the words to be about ISA’s or something.

As I understand it you are happy to respond to any comments I may have and expect a prompt reply as detailed in the banking code.

If this insanity does not end soon I may look into other financial arrangements, maybe a current account with Def Jam records.

Yours truly,
Bobby France

Mar 15, 2005 at 11:45 o\clock

Why God why?

by: DJMaru

Mood: Despair
Listening to: I'll tell you what I'm not f*cking listening to...

Some things in life make perfect sense, like the buttered cat theory (toast always lands butter side down, cats always land on their feet, therefore buttered cats would hover indefinitely).
But not everything does make sense. I'm not sure how to phrase the next question, simply put, "Howard Brown: Why?".
This man is a complete abomination, a freak of nature, don't pay any attention to him because it will only encourage him. I can't believe I'm even writing about him. I'm seriously considering setting up a PayPal account so that people who visit this forum can donate to the "End Howard Brown Appeal" actually, scrap that, make it "MAKEHOWARDHISTORY" I could sell wristbands and everything.
Would you leave your kids with Howard Brown? Would you trust him to run your finances? I am an account holder at Halifax, I am going to close my account there and when they ask me why I'll tell them exactly why. I don't think my money is being invested wisely in keeping that jumped-up Brummy twat in jam jar lenses. They released the f*cking single on their own label! Sorry for the language kids but that f*cking appaling monstrosity was released by "HBOS".
Would you get a mortgage from record company? No, so don't let banks release music. Not unless I can have a Def Jam Current Account, loans are probably out of the question if you value your kneecaps.
I'm following the example of another site and including this useful link... Halifax Online Complaints

(as a side note I've just discovered the Labour Party are already using the slogan "MakeHowardHistory", jingoist bastards)

Mar 12, 2005 at 15:32 o\clock

An appeal...

by: DJMaru

Mood: Appealing
Listening to: Appeals

To the person who sent me a private message yesterday. The message was deleted, could you send again so I can link to your blog?

Cheers

BF

Mar 12, 2005 at 15:30 o\clock

Amusing Headlines...

by: DJMaru

Mood: Saturday
Listening to: A Welshman

Sorry, I haven't had time to post a very original entry recenty, here's some amusing (genuine) headlines to keep you busy.

Gunman Shot By 999 Cops

Victim Tied, Nude Policeman Testifies

KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS

MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH

Statistics Show That Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly After Age 25

MAN DENIES COMMITING SUICIDE

TIGER WOODS PLAYS WITH OWN BALLS, NIKE SAYS

NY Ponders Beating Victim

DEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLING

Man Recovering After Fatal Accident

Students Hear Reptile Lecture

Body Found On Boat Seized By Bailiffs And Due To Be Auctioned

Mar 10, 2005 at 12:36 o\clock

Dear God,

by: DJMaru

Mood: Afraid
Listening to: Chanting of angry mobs

Sorry I haven't posted in a while but I'm lazy.

I've noticed that a lot of people use their weblogs to talk about religion or even directly to deities.

Well I was speaking to someone yesterday, or rather squirming and trying to ignore someone, who was saying that you [God] aren't a big fan of the gays.

This puzzles me somewhat, she said you didn't like the gays and didn't even want them in your bestseller The Bible.

Was this a selected editing process? Were there initially a lot of gay characters but you carefully changed them to make them appear straight. Was 'Doubting Thomas' gay? "Ooh, I'm not sure about those sandals Jesus ducky."

Did you change it because it seemed a bit too much like Queer as Folk?

And if you didn't want any of the gays in your book why did they all dress so gay? They always seem to be walking around with white towels rapped around their waists like they're in an all-male sauna.

Freud may even say that you have a complex, your fear over the feminine side of humanity with all that "original sin" lark may reflect a fear of your own femininity. Were you breastfed as a child?

I'm not saying that Christianity is wrong, I'm not even dissing your book, although some of those 'letters" could have been shorter and snappier. Some of the interpretations are so 400BC though.

Cheers pal,

Bobby

Mar 5, 2005 at 00:23 o\clock

Fishcake is a weapon of mass destruction...

by: DJMaru

Mood: Apocalyptic
Listening to: The voices...

Inspired by crazy American weblogs, where those loveable yanks review their personal handguns (one of the few true comments I have made on this site), I have compiled my top ten weapons...

10. Steve Penk - a variant on the T-1000 series, Penk is a relentless killing machine intent on tracking down the one known as Jonathon Wilkes, only then will machines rule the future.

History's greatest monster

9. Windows - many men braver than I have tried to harness it's powers, those that can go on to great things, others are destroyed by a talking paper-clip that haunts their dreams.

"It appears [insert name here] is going to die, would you like me to show you a more efficient way to do this?"

8. Paper cuts - for those who suffer this terrible injury there is little we can do. First aid will not help, they should be left alone to contemplate their advancing doom.

"Leave me, I'll only slow you down, save yourselves."

7. Monkeys - I've seen "2001 - a Space Odysey", "Wizard of Oz", "Congo", "Jumgle Book" and "Outbreak". How many more warnings do we need?

"Do you feel lucky, punk?"

6. Brisbane - so many inhabitants of Ramsey Street have ventured to Brisbane never to return

"I'm going to Brizzy"

5. The Ark of The Covenant - Deadly to all, except people who look away, so not that deadly really. Still, the Nazi's couldn't resist staring at it.

"To me"... "To you"...

4. The Deathstar - not so impressive as it was destroyed so easily.  Plus Adam & Joe were right, Darth Vader was trying to build a giant mirrorball gay nightclub...

The Deathstar, yesterday.

3. Yorkshire Terriers - nature's deadliest killing machine

"I crave blood"

2. Westlife - just one miligramme of Westlife is enough to make the entire population of Wigan sterile.

 

"My God, what have we done?"

1. Jessica Fletcher - those around her die. She either inspires those around her to kill or she murders people with her demonic typewriter, I'm not sure which.

Please do not look at this picture under ANY circumstances, your loved ones may die, it was probably you that killed them.

Mar 4, 2005 at 21:14 o\clock

Popularity (your rules do not apply to me)

by: DJMaru

Mood: Southern Comfort
Listening to: Mighty Moz

If you type Fishcake into Google my site is the fourth reccomendation! Wow.

Had to remove an earlier post about someone who really pissed me off yesterday as it's not fair bitching about people behind their back.

More original content will follow. Don't worry gun lovers I may comment on my favourite weapons later.

Mar 3, 2005 at 15:14 o\clock

My beef with Fiddy...

by: DJMaru

Mood: Angry
Listening to: The Magic Roundabout theme

I'm sure I don't need to tell you all the contents of 50 Cents latest "track". I thought we were homies and now I hear on the radio he's got beef with me. Well Fiddy, if that's what you want that's what you've got.
I know you used to be a dealer and you used to get shot on a weekly basis. I'm fine with that, but what I'm not fine with is the content of your lyrics.
Man, I was there for you when you had nothing. We're both from the streets, only difference is that's where I'm stayin'.
And you know what, you can keep your beef, all of it, even the Fresian shit. I made you and I can break you.

Mar 3, 2005 at 15:07 o\clock

Ingenious but slightly annoying

by: DJMaru

Mood: Frustrated
Listening to: Bluebirds

A website that can link ANY actor to Kevin Bacon. The damn thing can't be beaten. Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon

Mar 2, 2005 at 14:10 o\clock

Murderers Anon

by: DJMaru

Mood: see below
Listening to: the voices

got the urge to kill again at lunchbreak. spoke to my ma mentor pat. managed not to act on the commands of the red light.

Mar 2, 2005 at 00:25 o\clock

A genuine entry on an American weblog...

by: DJMaru

Mood: Yawn
Listening to: Ranting

"Just noticed tonight on 24 that Jack Bauer was carrying my gun, a Walther P99. I would guess, however, that he is carrying the 40 whereas I have the 9. Either way, the easiest way to tell that it's a P99 is that, if you freeze-frame on the gun, you can see the distinctive trigger guard."

Pausing '24' to identify hanguns, genius. And Darwin said we were evolving. I've got the 40 myself.

Mar 1, 2005 at 23:49 o\clock

Fishcake and the Marshall pt.4

by: DJMaru

Mood: Creative
Listening to: Feargal Sharkey's Greatest Hits (The Remixes)

Allen arrived at Mr Wong's. He ducked under the police cordon, nodding at the assembled policemen who knew him. A stout man approached him holding his arm aloft.

"Oh no, not you," said Inspector Churchill.

"Oh, come on Winston, you know I'm working" said Ali.

"I don't care what you think you're doing and I disagree with your definition of working Fishcake."

"You know you still owe me one Winston, that time in the warehouse, if you don't want me to call the Captain then I'd suggest you let me pass."

Winston stepped aside. He cooled his temper, knowing that as soon as he had something on Alphonse he could argue, until that moment the best he could do was smile and nod.

The scene inside Mr Wong's all-you-can-eat-buffet was unlike anything Al had seen before. A full sized basking shark lay bloated and dead on the floor. It appeared as though it had committed suicide by ingesting tons of crispy seaweed, but somehow sucide did not ring true. Either someone was testing Mr Wong's gratuity or someone had seen Se7en.

"Shit, I wish I was Morgan Freeman," thought Fishcake.

Mar 1, 2005 at 18:04 o\clock

Such a let down...

by: DJMaru

Mood: Ice cream
Listening to: An old CD

I just found a blog called "Everything Branson". Imagine my disappointment when I found it was about a place in Missouri and not everyone's favourite ginger-bearded balloon failure.

Not quite everything Branson is it? Where's the shit trains for a start?

Mar 1, 2005 at 17:52 o\clock

I can see clearly now Lorraine has gone...

by: DJMaru

Mood: Ill defined
Listening to: Unclear

I thought I'd better explain a little about how this blog works for those of you trying to pin me down. As a friend said the other day "Ah, so you've gone political now". That is not the case. This is not a political blog as I'm not defined by politics.

With this in mind I began to look for my USP and decided it's not so much what I lack as what others have in abundance, this site is the equivalent of an additive free tasty meal (although those that know me will see the failings of this analogy as they know I hate healthy food).

Anyways, you'll be pleased to hear that I'm not an American soccer mom diarising her life (no disrespect, you go girl). Nor am I on a diet and monitoring my progress. I'm not an angsty teen on the fringes of society, as I'm not a teen. I see no need to dissect the news, again those that know me will know why. I'm not a member of any religious group.

And my greatest asset, I'm not a boorish middle-aged American right wing male who has nothing better to do than slag off liberals (no disrespect, you go girl).

This is my USP. As for what to expect, I'm not sure, it's not a diary, it's more a global think space - I'm not one to spout jingoisms or shit philosophy either.

Mar 1, 2005 at 17:28 o\clock

A new poll...

by: DJMaru

Mood: Subservient
Listening to: I'm not sure but it's irritating

By request from the US State Department, in the bid to fight the war on Terrahawks I've been asked to post this special survey (see sidebar). Please complete it as honestly as possible and I promise that you will not be arrested.

 

 

 

 

 

(promise may not be valid in some countries)

Mar 1, 2005 at 12:21 o\clock

Poll position...

by: DJMaru

Mood: Revolutionary
Listening to: Greek

The poll on everyone's favourite Fishcake film has now closed, with some astounding results. In joint first were Fishcake vs. Mother Russia and FISHCAKE, each with 25% of the vote. Fishcake in Charge, Lethal Fishcake, Fishcake III: The Reckoning and Other (which I'm informed was Fishcake at the Chalet School) all had 12.5% of the popular vote. The Shining received 0% - unsuprising as "genius" Kubrick cut all scenes containing the MAIN CHARACTER. We had a great response with nearly nine votes! Well done people.