Belfast today

Mood: tired, giddy

Well today is my last day at work, im taking a few weeks off so that i can get the flat sorted! Cannot believe this is my last day before christmas! I still have a few things to get lol

Had a really bad day yesterday and the blogigo server was down according to my laptop! Worst day i think iv had! I just told everyone that i was taking myself off on christmas eve and that i wasnt coming back until the new year, that way i would skip all the hassle and i could be by myself which is just what i wanted to do! Even the bf was worried about me!! I am so lucky to have such a great family, we had a chat and i had a chat with the bf and we sorted a few things out! I was just sick of being miserable all the time and feeling unhappy and i dont normally feel that way and i knew that i hated it! Feeling a bit better today though after we had a chat the bf and i had a quiet night we didnt talk much and i was glad we actually had a quiet night in without an argument and if i could feel there was one brewing i diverted it which is what i should do in future! I was just sick of the arguments and i was starting to feel really miserable in myself, i even wanted to take our christmas tree down! We're so cold with having no oil and heating but that wasnt really bothering me, it was just feeling coldness in my heart and i hated that feeling! i hated the numb feeling i had towards everything and i just wanted to sleep! I am glad we had a chat and that i am feeling alittle bit better today! I still want to get christmas over and done with although i am looking forward to the actual day when i get to see my little nieces and we go to my sisters for a huge feed! The bf is actually looking forward to it as long as i can get my brother in law stinking drunk lol When my sister phoned yesterday to see if we were keeping warm i just told her that we wernt going and that i didnt care what the bf was doing and she got really upset ( shes very caring and hates someone suffering or in pain) when i told her how i felt!

I am in a better mood today and i slept better last night after about an hour of lying there worrying about last minute things i have to get! But i am not grumpy about that, i enjoy getting last minute things, i hate the crowds but i dont mind knowing its that time of year and the things that i am getting are the last things i will have to ger for anyone! Still have to get the bf a last minute surprise and i have to get my parents, but apart from that thats everything i think lol!

I definately dont feel as stressed as i did over the past few weeks, a friend is coming for a christmas drink to our house tonight and i am looking forward to the catch up shes had a really bad year herself and her probs a lot worse than mine! I should be lucky i havnt had the year that she has had! We should have a good night though we normally do when were together! Must go and make my breakfast, i just hope i am not on here again in the next few days before christmas bawling my eyes out because something else has happened or i am feeling bad again! Fingers crossed!

Merry Christmas, Happy new year! Have a really great one!

Mood: tired and freezing

Mood: hungry

Yes another bloody crisis and this is christmas week!! We have run out of oil! So no heating over christmas lol hilarious i thought! There is not much point in us putting in oil if we are moving out after christmas and wont get to use it all up is there?!?! So what can we do? Hmmmm well last night we just cuddled on the sofa with blankets and a small heater, lol luckily enough it was fine and there have been colder snaps, i just hope that by the end of the week its not sub zero tempratures becauase then that will be a nightmare! Didnt have a bad weekend considering we were shivering!! Well the heating only went off on sunday morning so it wasnt that bad, very quiet, which is fine by me!! Still cant wait until the whole christmas thing is over and i am sure that i am not the only one! Just want to get moved into the new flat and start the new year with a clean slate! This is was actually quite quiet compared to last year and i liked it! Hopefully the new year will be just as quiet! Must look for a new job after the new year though!

Really cant believe we have ran out of oil! We only got it put in over a mth ago and it didnt last us that long,i think the company actually ripped us off, but there is nothing that we can do about it, our new flat is gas heating so it wont be as bad, the funny thing is the flat acually has some gas and it would be warm, it just doesnt have any furniture or floors or curtains or anything really lol Anyway i am so tired today, didnt get much sleep last night, we went out for our dinner (we deserved it we havnt been out in mths and the whole heating situation pushed me too far) and then we got back and jsut watched TV the meal was top class and it was lovely but when we got to bed we couldnt sleep, well i could he couldn he wanted to talk all night and dont get me wrong i dont mind sitting up talking but not when i have to get up at 7am the next morning so i had a restless night in general! Although i dont feel too bad yet! Gotta go get some breakfast and a cup of tea!!!

Mood: lost

Its so close to christmas now i am actually getting scared! i must go into the city this weekend and try and finish my shopping! Although not sure how i am going to do that without much money lol Hopefully it wont be too hard! I have tomorrow off so i might try and start my shopping then! My sister is giving us a christmas tree, i wasnt going to put anyhting up as we are moving just after christmas but its fiboroptic so i wont have to dress it or anything! I am glad cos i think i would have missed a tree this year! I cant wait to move into our new flat and get everythign in it the way i want it, i already know what colour schemes i am going for! I think it will turn out really nice! People have already started getting us stuff for the flat which is really nice of them!

I still have to write out my christmas cards so i might do that tonight also, ooooh someone wants to come and view our house this friday morning, cant believe its so soon! People must be really keen to view it! I have to ring and cancel that because i we wont be there tomorrow morning!

Almost got everything packed apart from the things we know we will need everyday until we move! Some clothes have been packed along with some dishes and stuff! You really dont realise how much stuff you keep until you have to start packing and then you realise that sometimes u really have kept a lot of rubbish sometimes! Anyway i hope every one has a good weekend and i hope i have nothing major to report back on next week lol

Mood: tired and hungry but feeling better
Listening to: telly

What a start to the day! Its weather for ducks out there! I dont even have that far to walk to work but there was no way i was walking this morning! Had a relaxing night last night we hardly spoke of christmas and watched a dvds and snuggled up on the sofa! Think we needed it! Everything was fine until my alarm went this morning and he wanted me to stay in bed an extra 5 mins and i seriously could not afford too! Like i told him if i thought i could get an extra 5 minutes in bed then i certantly would! Well at least he was annoyed i was leaving rather than being there at all which sometimes i do have to wonder about! I have to run some errands this morning! I thought i had almost everyone in i needed to get for but then i sent me cousin an e-mail and i started naming the people i still had to get for and theres more than i thought which i kind of scared me a little lol i actually thought i had almost everyones present but then i thought i actually dont! I have my nieces and most of my bfs but i have to get him shoes and then i have to get my parents,his dad and brothers and something else for a niece! Funds are seriously low at the minute! My sister is staying at my mums tonight and i should talk to her, i just dont want to let her down about christmas but i am going to have to tell her now, it wont be as hard on christmas day! I hope! We are still going over for our dinner to theirs but we are not staying and ill just have to tell her that! Anyway its still v early and i need a coffee! Roll on the weekend thats all i can say cos i wanna sleep lol

Mood: wimpering

Oh how i wish that christmas was over, its not that i am a depressing person! This year has just got me depressed and i know there will be plenty of tears before this year is over take it from me! I hate upsetting people and i just wish that everyone could get along! That is a dream world though, because no matter who you are you always know someone who wont be having a good christmas and you cannot stop it, is there really a point in feeling bad about that? i cannot help it! I feel drained and emotional today, everything is starting to take its toll and im starting to stop caring! I mean about christmas, and presnets and dinner, the OH said that he would be happy to sit at home and eat a ready meal (oh v dramatic) lol which i told him was NEVER going to happen, but today i kind of agree with him and it would make so much more things a lot easier! I am still deeply missing my phone, i know that sounds really selfish especially this time of year when so many people go with out the essentials never mind luxury items!

Its raining heavy here at the minute and its veryy dull and depressing! abit like how i feel really! I cant believe how i am feeling this christmas, i have never felt this bad before, there have been christmas times where it hasnt been the best buti always made the best ofit even if i didnt get ot see certain family members and large parts of it where spent alone, it wasnt as bad as this! I was younger then though and now i have other people to think about, if it ws up tp me i know i would have a gr8 christmas this year but there arecertain things stopping me, like i said before and things are out of my control! Like i said if it was up to me it would be a different story but unfortunately it is not up to me! The only good thing i am looking forward to this christmas is seeing my little niece on christmas day, she is spending christmas at my mums with her own mum and dad and its going to be really special! Also for my mum and dad as they havnt had a youngster spend christmas there since i was a kid! So i am looking forward to seeing her on christmas day at my mum and dads! Bless her! Shes a bit grouchy at the minute and i think its her teeth, shes 2 in march and shes been in bad form these past 2 days! Her mum thinks its her teeth her back ones! I cant imagine what it would be like growing two big back teeth! i know i did it once before lol but i cant remember, maybe thats a goood thing! Anyway i dont mind the rain so i might go a walk andtry and get my head cleared! I guess i should just try and stay positive! At least we have somewere to go this christmas, at least poeople woant us there!There are so many lonely people out there this time of year!

Mood: hopeless
Listening to: too many voices in my head!

Well its the start of the week again! and Things are definately not better! The bf and i are fine, well fine as we can b i suppose! The thing is we went to my sisters last night for some dinner and we made a night of it, there was lots of wine and baileys! i was up for work this morning so no matter how much i drank something was telling me to stay sober! Although my sister got completely drunk! Shes such a happy drunk lol their christmas tree is massive, it takes up most of the room! We had such a good night and i wsa really looking forward to christmas dinner and i thought the bf would be too but when we got home last night he told me that whenever my sister and i went out for a cigarette break her husband was back stabbing my family and really firing some awkward questions at him! Now he has done this before but not for a long time, and i just dont know what hes thinking because he knows that i am going to cancel going to theirs for christmas now and its going to upset my sister, she was really looking forward to christmas with us, but i have to cancel, i dont want my bf being put on the spot like that andnot being able to relax on christmas day! I just dont know what to do now, or what to tell my sister! In the end the weekend turned out to be ok on saturday night the bfs younger brother came up and we sat talking until 3am, and then last night we went to theirs and we had such a good night, well i thought we did! i just want christmas to be over and i just want to take myself off somewere quiet and peaceful and alone!

Mood: shrug

My phone is broken! I accidently dropped it into a glass of juice last night and its died! i am in deep mourning! Seriously i really dont know what to do i know that its not like i have just lost a relative but i pracitally had my whole life on that phone and now its just gone! I even had pictures of our new flat in it! We're moving in as soon as we can actually! I was very upset last night when ever that happened my phone, i was in just a good mood the whole because we got the flat and the keys and everything was great and then that had to happen, then we had another argument! and i left, didnt have anywhere to go so i walked about in the rain not that the other half cared by the time i got back he was asleep, cant say i am that surprised to be honest, although everything was my fault and blah blah! Not that it matters that he threw me out in the street in the rain! I am at my parents, i walked out this morning i had enough! I just dont know how to feel, i mean i wouldnt do that on a stray dog! Never mind a human, never mind someone i love, never mind someone i care about! NEVER! So i am a wreck today i think im getting the flu and im sore all over (sofa sleep) he didnt even realise when i got back he woke this morning and came down stairs to mind me on the sofa! Maybe he was surprised i came back at all! Actually he was probably pissed that i was sleeping on the sofa and he couldnt sit down and put his feet up! If anyone at all does happen to read this your opinions or some advice would be great! As i dont know what to do, i love him and ofcourse i will go back later because i love him and i care about him, i was actually worrying about him, wondering if he had eaten anything yet, but im sure he didnt let himself starve! I just feel so lousy today with him throwig me out last night and then my beloved phone! Hes probably glad, hes been jealous ever since i got it, because my sister got it for me as a christmas gift all i hear is "i wish i had a sister so generous" or " my phones crap, wish i had a phone like yours" or " if you keep playing with that phone ill end up breaking it on you" Like i told him i am not going to be sorry for what i have, i know i am lucky to have a generous family but i am certantly not going to apologise for them, i wouldnt mind if they treated him like shite but they dont, whenever i get something its usually for the both of us! the phone was a christmas gift! anyway i think iv got things off my chest, still feel lousy though and i still know the only person he cares about is himself!

Mood: nervous

Had a very quiet night last night, we hardly spoke a few words to each other and if we did we were snapping! We are going to view a new flat tomorrow morning and i hope it cheers us both up, well not really me because i love christmas and i am usually quite happy the whole month of december but this year i just get the feeling that he is ruining things and turning into a right miserable so and so! I can be miserable but this is the one time of the year when i am at my happiest, i love the rush of getting presents in, thinking about what i get people, hoping they will like it, putting a tree up seeing old frinds etc etc being with family! This time of year can really bring the best of the worst out in people i could be standing in a shop when this excuse for a man whacks into my because the book he wants to buy is fast selling out or i could get some old woman beating me with her umberella if i lift the last loaf of bread (i didnt think it had her name on it) then you can also see great generosity from the people you least expect it from or someone who looks like they're going to mug you can have the best manners in the world! Anyway going more christmas shopping tonight! Lets hope we dont end up fighitng in the street beating eachother with our umberellas!

Mood: tired

Mood: annoyed, cant pls everyone

Dont you just hate not being able to please everyone?! its the start of the week again, i cant believe its went in so fast! We didnt even do that much apart from attend my nieces birthday party! It was good fun and everyone ate too much as usual! Didnt get out just the two of us though, were saving the pennies for christmas, like everyone else although i do get a little bit jealous when i see people going out for their dinner and having a nice night, i think well they must be comfortable enuf to eat out everyweekend and probably get eachother cool christmas gifts lol iv already got part his in! anyway must dash!

Mood: optimistic
Listening to: actually watching tv

Well its friday again and i for one am really glad its that time of the week! Wireless network decided to break down on me this morning and i really thought i was going to have a break down after so much work i put into it yesterday, i had a little breakfast break and a cigarette and i decided that this time i would fix it once and for all! So finally got it fixed weather or not it will still work tomorrow is a different story though!Heres hoping! I wont worry about it though, i have officaly started my christmas shopping, online, but i am going shopping in the city centre tonight and im hoping to get almost everyones because i am sick of worrying about money! I am sure everyone is at this time of the year! I will need a little powernap before i do anything though because if i want to go vigarous christmas shopping tonight and then partying i need a nap otherwise ill keel over, i really dont know where i am getting the time for a nap though! Maybe half an hour will do me! I was up at 7am this morning and i didnt get to bed till late last night! At least i dont have a hangover, i couldnt go into work so early with a hangover id end up on the floor! Ah saturday tomorrow ill actually be getting up when its bright instead of when its still dark! i think i havea touch of SAD! hehe only jokin! well maybe sometimes! My little nieces birthday party is tomorrow also, yes i have her present but must remember to get her a card and some wrapping paper! Anyway gotta run hope we all have a good weekend!