Arsenic and Aspedistras

The wheelie bin has been in the news lately because of the chip that some councils are going to place inside the re-cycle bin--obviously to monitor our dirty British habits. Actually, before I left Norfolk to work in Egypt a year ago, it was being proposed for the Norfolk bins as a test, so the news is nothing new. However one can imagine the implications as a continually nervous Britain copes with spies in the dustbin. Here's a short scenario of the "wheelie spies" at work.

Spy 1: 'Ere Fred, that looks like an envelope and the bluddy plastic window's still there.'

Spy 2: ' Cor, Jim, you're bluddy right. Write down bin no. 6548.'

Spy 1; That lad's in shit all right.'

Spy 2: 'That's nought Jim. Look at this !'

Spy 1: 'God, it's a bloody Heineken can and its still half full of lager.'

Spy 2: ' And fokkin' flat too.'

Spy 1: ' Bin 6548 is in deep horse manure. I reckon t' council will ban him.'

Spy 2: ' Prison for him ,mate.'

Spy 1: ' Too right.'

Spy 2: ' What the hell is that?'

Spy 1: Condom, condom mate.'

Spy 2: Is it tied off?'

Spy 1: ' Looks okay.'

Spy 2: ' What does book say?'

Spy 1: ' Book says: Tied off condoms must be disposed of."

Spy 2: 'Where.'

Spy 1: 'Doesn't say.'

Spy 2:' Doesn't say? You mean there's no rule?'

Spy 1: 'Yep, no rule for condoms.'

Spy 2: ' Let's go down t' poob.'

Spy 1: 'What about 6548?'

Spy 2: ' Booger 6548.'

 

Can you believe.....

That Ruth Kelly is going to sort out the racial problem in Britain. She and her new committee are to investigate why there are racial tensions; why people look at every Muslim as a potential terrorist; why other communities are not mixing with the British "normals"; why communities segregate themselves into cliques and groups (and do not assimilate to British life.)

This is the same Ruth Kelly, who, as Education Secretary, preferred to think that there was nothing wrong with our Education system. Never mind that many GCSE and A-level students have no life skills and some cannot read, write or spell.

Mind you it's not all Kelly's fault. It goes back years and years but we won't go into that. The point is : What is Kelly going to do? Is she going to shuttle from Manchester to Leicester to Peterborough to Birmingham and nod her head every time a British Muslim, Pakistani, Chinese, Ethiopian, Somalian et al, voices concern about being left out of the "mainstream", or, more importantly,voices concern about" not being left alone"--- and is she going to come to grips with the real problem: 

I do not pretend to know all the answers (if so I could help our Ruth), but I do see some of the problems that have to be overcome:

a) You cannot persuade non-British immigrants who have been here for two years or twenty to change their form of worship, dress or culture.

b) You cannot persuade those immigrants  that they should live like Derby and Joan from Norwich. They came here to make a better life but on their terms.

c) You cannot persuade certain sections of the immigrant population-who have a culture of spoiling the male heir--that it must change.

d) You cannot tell any immigrant family that they should feel welcome or be patriotic when they are treated with suspicion (worse so since 9/11).

e) You cannot be subservient. Immigrants must know that they are wanted, needed and are vital to the economy.

And this is what Ruth Kelly and her committee must do: Explain the importance of communities to the community in general. Boost the poorer communities with incentives and better housing and living conditions. Encourage community leaders to meet regularly with council bodies and hierarchy. Advertise/publicise widely on the true value of immigrant input and, most importantly, recognize that Britain cannot change but can value and gain from its multicultural mix. In short, it is being positive, welcoming and appreciating immigrant culture and its value to Britain. 

I'm being speculative and probably naive when it comes to advertising as I'm not an expert but I see a campaign centered around:

I'm a Muslim and proud to be a British Muslim.

I'm an immigrant and happy to be here.

Respect my culture and background but I'm with Britain all the way!

Etc., etc.

Final word: It's time Britain clamped down on immigration so that the multi-cultural communities already here can grow and prosper. That is half the problem.

 

 

Scene: The Oval

Players: Two umpires.

Umpire 1: This is a cricket ball.

Umpire 2: Yes, funny enough it is.

Umpire 1: It has been scratched.

Umpire 2: Yes, yes it has.

Umpire 1: This looks fishy.

Umpire 2: Yes, could have been a fish hook.

Umpire 1: This is serious. These blokes could have fiddled here for a reverse swinger.

Umpire 2: Nah, scratched by nails. Someone didn't cut his nails.

Umpire 1: That's not on. Some bugger has fiddled with this ball.

Umpire 2: Sure it's not that serious. I mean this is International, this is top stuff.

Umpire 1: You don't understand-- this ball is no good.

Umpire 2: Well, that's solved then. We get a new one.

Umpire 1: It's not as simple as that. These bastards are fiddling with the ball.

Umpire 2: Steady on. This is very easy to solve. We get a new ball. It's International. call for a new ball.

Umpire 1: It's not that simple. This ball is a perfect example of cheating.

Umpire 2: Simple really. We're International. Allegations won't work. New ball sorts it out.

Umpire 1: It can't, It cant..................................... 

 

I have lived and worked in six African countries but have a British/South African background--thus I'm quite conservative and fairly cautious about to committing my time or energy to worthy causes. Sure I give alms to the poor and to animal welfare but I seldom consider donations to countries in need. Add in a dose of cynical thinking here too for I suspect the money given to countries by the Red Cross and Oxfam et al, is skimmed off by NGOs driving fancy 4, corrupt government officials and, lower down, the men who sell donated food etc. I know Africa well.

 

If you had asked me 5 years ago to donate money to Lebanon, I would have backed off; I would have turned my back on the Middle East; I would not have done it in a bigotted way; people like me don't give donations to the Middle East --or Africa, that's me the cynical one.

Now, in a complete reversal of my thinking, I am going to donate to Lebanon.

Why? Recent Foreign Policy adapted by the UK is not consistent with UK life and the people living there. Recent policy has taken a country that is multi-cultural and very diverse into a war in Iraq. It has allowed the war in Afghanistan to flare up again. It has supported Israel to the extent that women and children lost their lives because The Great Bush" was looking at the" big picture". What big picture? Moslem versus West? Al Quaeda versus all? Bush and Blair are fomenting conflict not solving the "big problem!"

Tony Blair and Bush speak about a road map. What road map? That map went out of the window when the USA lost interest in the Middle East.

What's left? A Lebanon in complete tatters. Air travellers with frayed nerves. Britain with British terrorists. People panicking because a lady (innocent) takes a box of matches onto a plane. Blair should be kicked all the way to Timbuktu for putting his country in danger; for supporting a maniac; for going on holiday instead of insisting on an immediate ceasefire!

There is no "big picture" at the end of the rainbow (and I know a fair amount about the Middle East conflicts),and there is no quick fix to a sixty year old problem, but they still believe there is don't they?

So, I am going to donate money to Lebanon, a country destroyed by Israel, the USA and the UK. I'm sure Koffi Annan agrees with me if no one else does!

Open to debate.