ii reach out & ii brought you ALL my "Dreams"

Mood: BIG CHILLEN
Listening to: dead skin- crossfade

hey im just sitting here talken to my gurlfriend krystina!! i got my drivers permit today. i made an 88% on it!!!!!!!ahhh. but it sux cuz i love to drive but nobody wants to go anywhere... its such a waste of my time. but anyways....  after all that drama with my friends and guyz i have calmed down alot and im just ballen Doin What I Do.... i hate it when guys give you eye candy but they dont say anythang....  so remember that. thats BULLSHIT..

Mood: unpretty. unwanted, invisible

i met this guy, greg, in this alternative school called AEP. and he was nice and all that but i never really thought that i would like him farther than a friend. but after i got out and went back to my regular high school, i saw him everywhere. he lives about 2 miles from me and he lives in my best friends grandparents neighborhood. and my best friend, Aimee, and i are always over there. and i see him walken around all the time. so knowing me i start crushin on him. and everythang is cool. so my friend Kristen, has speech with him. so i asked her to talk to him for me. ((since i do her favors all the time)) and she gave him my nuumber. and he called me and hims friend told me that he liked me. I WAS SOO EXCITED. but anyways, kristen has always been the one that the guys like and all that. So She Got Mad. i geuss and started talken shit about him, to EVERYBODY. i would never talk mess about someone that she liked cuz they made her happy.  im better than that.  but lately greg has been ignoring me.....and i think that kristen told him somethang. im soo pissed off.  its like my one oppertunity to be happy ((in a long time)) and it gets fucked up. but i actually went over to himand talked to him. he said that he would call me but he never did.....

he was hiding from me........... what the fuck?  i wana kno why he is acting like that, cuz he liked me but then he just started haten me? i was told that since he was doing that he was a pussy and a coward and he probably gets raped in the ass and doesnt want me to find out.    it just made me feel unpretty, unwanted. invisible.   i dont hurt people that is not my thang, and for someone to hurt you this bad and not even give you chance is fucking stupid. 

Mood: confident
Listening to: cold- crossfade

i was thinking about the times that i let myself down. and the times that i could have changed, or would have. i have this problem dwelling on things that i could have done different than the things that havent even happened yet. maybe that is why i keep making the same mistakes and they are breaking me down, one by one.  if i could change anything about myself it would be

• i would stand up for myself and not worry what others think
• i would leave my house with no make up and still feel beautiful
• i would tell myself that i am worth it every morning

and maybe my out look would change. i really gotta step up my game and stop dwelling on the things that people have done to hurt me and bring me down. like my friends lying to me constantly, like i dont deserve the truth. i have spent to many nights crying over that cuz it makes me feel like im not good enough. but if i switch it around they arent good enough for me cuz i dont lower myself to to lie to people and make myself look better.  i say that i am goin to change but it feels way to hard, i have changed on the outside but im still hiding on the inside.  ahhh----->